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Read Letter

Forget the Babes

Dear Jack, there just comes a point you must say to yourself, “You know what, I’m done with womanizing!” You say to yourself, “I’m done, and I’m just going to face my wife and marriage.” Then you’ll discover the liberty and emotional depth in your marriage. 
Remember I warned you marriage is not the be-all-and-end-all young men imagine. It’s not a cure-all medicinal formulation, akin to those hawked in Lagos commuter buses, you know, the herbal formula that cures everything: AIDS, syphilis, barrenness, staphylococci, gonorrhea… Marriage is not like that. It helps you contain your sex drive; it does not eliminate it. Therefore you need discipline. That you can doesn’t mean you should. That it’s offered doesn’t mean accept. That it’s made available doesn’t mean take. You cannot be externally regulated. You must be internally regulated. Errant adulation comes with the territory.

It won’t stop as long as you keep succeeding. Success is attractive. Of course you know most of these girls wouldn’t have dated you back then – when you had no ride. Now they just want what they want. You. They have no respect for your marriage. The truth is, these babes are only feasible because you have stability and solidity back home. Remove that stable woman in your home and you’ll see their inadequacy. Isolate one of them in your head – see if she can fully meet your emotional and spiritual needs. (Physical no problem!). I’m just saying they’re only attractive as addenda. They can’t function as primary number. And the attraction is only strong because the whole thing is secret. It’s under-G. It’s what Solomon was talking about when he said stolen melons are sweet. There’s saccharine delight in secret affairs. Remove the secrecy and the affair becomes tepid.

And you have multiple babes. That creates delusion because they even each other out. What Babe ‘A’ lacks, Babe ‘B’ supplies; what Babe ‘B’ lacks, Babe ‘C’ supplies, and so on and so on. But none of them individually possesses the adequacy you need, except your wife. These girls are distractions. And they’re only coming at you because you’re sending out vibes of availability. Solomon, no stranger to multiple babes himself has a word of advice for you (If I were you I’d pay attention): “Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose – don’t ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted! Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a w****? For dalliance with a promiscuous stranger.”

The NLT translation is not so subtle. I’ll reproduce it for you, it’s so beautiful: “Let your wife be a fountain for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love. Why be captivated my son, by an immoral woman, or fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman?” (Proverbs 5:18-20). Told you it wasn’t subtle. Direct and explicit. Solomon can be that way.

The operative word is “captivation.” And that’s exactly what happens. You get captivated. Captivation provokes interest. Knowing currents are passed. And subtle flirtation begins. Which grows stronger with secrecy. Before you know it, if you don’t arrest that interest and brutally, execute disinterest; that flirtation will lead to a full-blown affair. You lose all moral rights in an affair. If there’s a pregnancy you can’t suddenly claim sanctity of marriage. And you’ll only complicate your life. What with the fog of incomprehension that descends on you.

Captivating lust is non discriminatory in its choice of agents. Can be an older or younger woman. Something just strikes you about that person – physical assets, culture, class, intellect, fun… These are words associated with captivation: “seize”, “capture” “attract”. It bespeaks “charm”, “art”, “trait”. You’re captivated if she charms you, or captures your imagination. Or you consider her a compelling work of art. The issue is not really captivation. It’s who’s doing the captivation – she or your wife? Interestingly, some of the synonyms of captivation are “beguile”, “bewitch”, “enchant”, “magnetize”. These are descriptions of the capabilities of a strange woman. You’re vulnerable if you don’t allow your wife to captivate you. Foreign captivation is an open invitation.

Marriage in itself can’t prevent adultery. It’s your personal discipline that prevents adultery. Take another look at your wife. Not just her physical assets, her! You’re safe with her. But that other woman… May you not run into trouble! That’s when you’ll know there was nothing to it at all. She was just using you, out for what she could get.

If you take a definitive decision to cut these babes out, you’ll feel a burden lift, feel a sweet lightness, freshness. That burden is the load of guilt on your conscience. Lightness, clarity, focus, love, joy, energy, peace, happiness, health… Now those are captivating words!

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder


Tags : Marriage, adultery, affairs

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