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Read Letter

Struggling With Human Desires

[Dear Jack, no, your mum shouldn’t have brought spiritist water for your wife to medicate upon! Surely, you don’t expect your wife to drink such. Would you take substance from an unknown and unapproved source? Your wife has no knowledge of the origin of this “spiritual water”. Neither is she privy to its solutes or composites. Not to talk of its hygiene standard. Even its spiritual provenance requires verification.
There are two powers in the universe! And how does so-called “spiritual water” assist conception, really? Thought it is faith God responds to! At best these liquids and tokens are “points of contact.” There’s no power in them. And if you have faith why do you need these tokens? There’s not one instance in scriptures for this practice of consumption of “spiritual water” for conception. So what is the practice predicated upon if not scriptures? To what spiritual enclave does the practice belong? You want pregnancy at the expense of your marriage. You want joy at the price of sorrow. Think. You’re a short step away from your wife being labeled a witch. Or why would she not drink, they’ll ask!

Perhaps what is most bothersome is the intrusion of your mum into your marriage. Her actions seem okay to you now, because they align with your desperation to have a child. But the chicken is coming home to roost. It will soon be dusk. You’ve given your mum a pirate’s plank to enter your home to impose her authority on your wife, and you’ll pay for it. Marriage is between a man and his wife. It is not a love triangle incorporating the mother-in-law. If you have an issue in your marriage, resolve it with your wife. Don’t bring in third parties, especially your mum. Unless of course you want your wife to bring in HER mum; and then your marriage becomes a melee. No marriage survives families coming in to protect their wards. The marriage will become an opposition to itself in itself. And no marriage survives the pull of families in opposite directions. It will be torn apart. Your home is your wife’s not your mother’s. Just as your dad’s home is your mum’s. These things are difficult to preach in a traditional African context but look at the wreckage around you.

And I’m worried you’re seemingly passing the message that without children this marriage is imperiled. Lightning is looking for a path into your home and you’ve created a line of fissure in your marriage. When the lightning strikes, you and your wife will suffer the terror. Your marriage may be incinerated. You need your home intact, and you want your wife happy. If she’s not happy she’ll make you unhappy. Some mothers-in-law naturally assume the problem of conception lies with the daughter-in-law. Of course they gave birth to a perfect biological specimen. He can’t have a spermatic problem. But how would your mother know if the fertility challenge is yours or your wife’s? Did she carry out a medical test before coming up with her prescription for assisted conception? I mean, on what basis did she conclude your wife has a conception problem and not you? I would have thought a couple with a conception challenge would go to a Gynae. Only when the Gynae has run tests and identified the issues can we be talking about solutions. How’s your mother’s holy water going to unblock a fallopian tube for instance? What’s in the water! And this marriage is only seven months old! Just seven months old! Gynaes insist on one year of unprotected intercourse 2-3 times a week before they make a pronunciation on sub-fertility.

You’re allowing your fears fire up your imagination. Funny thing is, the problem may just be misaligned calendars. Your sexual congress may just not be aligned to her ovulation calendar. Sometimes that’s all there is to these things. The solution may just be sex calendar adjustment. And it may be the quality of your sperm. Maybe low sperm count, or even no sperm count. And who knows, it may be a minor blockage in the fallopian tube. Or, or, or… The point I’m trying to make is that a thousand and four things may be delaying conception. Why don’t you find out exactly what the issue is before resorting to psychedelic solutions, which you shouldn’t! If you follow your mother through the door prized open into an alien corridor you’ll get lost in your marriage. Under no circumstance should you bring your mum into your marriage. Agenda-less mums deny such invitations. Even if your mum claims she means well, her non-consultative approach gainsays her warrant. She’s giving instructions to your marriage. She’s seeking to extend governmental control over your wife. Don’t allow your mum’s pursuit of the status of grandma turn your marriage into collateral damage.

And her efforts are not really about you. They’re about her. You’re just her accomplisher. I know you’re the firstborn and your siblings are yet to marry. So the grandchild pressure is on you. But you’ve got to be able to assert yourself against your mum’s tendencies. She won’t relent otherwise. She’s probably named the child you’re yet to conceive! And she’s going to usurp the naming rights. Your marriage is her validation. You’re just a tool of aggrandizement, a PR element. She’s resolutely pursuing her objective. The child is hers not yours. You can’t run your marriage on the vision of your mum. What is YOUR vision for your family? Realign yourself with your wife. Keep out your interloping mum. Your marriage is young! Don’t let Satan destroy your marriage. He specializes in reverse engineering of marriages. That’s exactly what your mum is attempting – reverse engineering your marriage, as if you never married.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Lust, Sex

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