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Read Letter

Wedding Goal

My dear Jil, the problem sometimes is that we’re so focused on our wedding objective we lose sight of the marriage. So determined are you to marry this guy you’re not thinking of the viability of the marriage. You’re focused on momentous victory, not what lies beyond the “victory”. Such “victory” can only be pyrrhic. A pyrrhic wedding won’t sustain a marriage. And we sometimes see such devotion to pyrrhic victory in instances where two girls viciously compete to marry a man They’re so focused on the objective they fail to see the moral quality of the man playing them against each other. They’re so lost in competition that they are lost in translation of the facts right in front of them.

You desperately want to marry this man and you’ve devoted two years of your life to the quest. But you’ve lost sight of marriage itself. You’re only thinking of getting married. After the wedding, then what? You’re so focused on your objective you even started dreaming. In your dream you overcame all the many obstacles in your path in your quest to marry this man. Well… But you make the mistake prevalent in desperate situations. You assume that a dream means God is speaking. The fact that you dreamt doesn’t mean God spoke through the dream, or that the dream is even supernatural. We tend to dream our dominant thoughts and desires. So be careful about dreams as directive for life. And don’t assume supernatural is always God. Satan is supernatural too. So are demons. Your dream might just be the fact you want to marry this guy so much you projected him into your sleep state.

But here are the troubling facts about this guy you so want to marry. And I’m asking myself that given all these facts, why would God tell you to go into a potentially calamitous marriage! I say this because you imply that God is leading you to marry this gentleman through your dream. This guy cannot make up his own mind. He relies on his family for the determination of wife candidacy. So much so he sent you to his family house to be assessed for marital qualification. You thought the purpose of the arranged visit was for you to bond with his mum and siblings. You didn’t know you were sent to be evaluated according to indeterminate and unrevealed parameters. And a major parameter as you later discovered is that you must be pregnant before you can marry him. It’s why your prospective mother-in-law complained you were STILL slim. She was talking about pregnancy.

So already you know three things: (a). Cultural tradition will be a dominant force in your marriage. (b). Your mother-in-law will be colonial authority in your home. She’s the final authority. (c). This man can’t go against the dictates of his family, and you’re an outsider as far as they’re concerned. Unless you subject yourself to the authority of the local government chairman – his mum, you can never please your husband. Your mother-in-law (to be) is the lawgiver, regulator and enforcer. And this guy is a coward. After subjecting you to his family and you failed the pregnancy test he couldn’t even face you. He refused to talk to you for weeks, until you finally cornered him on the phone. Then and only then did you realise you failed their pregnancy test. If you had asked at that point, I would have told you the relationship was over. His mother didn’t approve.

But the story got bizarre with the introduction of a prophet. A “pastor-prophet” had apparently “seen” you are not his wife. (At this I shudder in annoyance). This practice of consulting “prophets” on matrimonial choice, is it not divination? How does it square with Christianity? Give me one singular instance in the New Testament where the apostles consulted spiritually on marriage! And then show me in the Old Testament where an Israelite went to consult a prophet on who to marry. As if a prophet telling you who to marry or not to marry is any guarantee of marital success! Is the prophet going to be in the marriage? And what’s the success rate of prophet-approved marriages? Any statistics? Some people think they can abdicate responsibility for their marital choice by consulting a “prophet”. This “prophet” was apparently in communication with the family. You were the only one out of the loop.

The thing is, once a prophet disqualifies you matrimonially, a seed of doubt is already planted in the relationship. That seed of doubt will wreck the marriage. The man will become paranoid. He can’t trust his wife. Of course the marriage will collapse without trust. And that then becomes proof of the so-called prophecy! Mtsheew! So your wedding plan was subject to dictates of culture conjoined with a fake spirit of prophecy. How can you ever win! This is thus the fourth disturbing factor in this relationship: your boyfriend is subject to spiritism. He’s so superstitious he wouldn’t make a move without consulting a “prophet”. He’s subject to elemental spirits.

Is this the kind of marriage you want to go into? Are you sure this is something you should be wanting? Shouldn’t you count your losses, leave and then count your blessings? This much is clear: your marriage will be controlled by third parties from outside the marriage. If not his mother, then his siblings; if not his siblings, then his prophet. If not the prophet, then the combo. Either of these factors is enough to tear a marriage apart, not to talk of a combination of all three. You’re not going to be happy in this marriage. Truth can be bitter but I owe my conscience telling you the truth. The forces controlling your relationship are far too strong for it. Those forces will destroy the marriage. This man won’t stand up for you, and he won’t defend you. Is this the kind of husband you want?

Of course you can hang in there, push him and needle him till he marries you. You just get pregnant. But what if you suffer a miscarriage after the wedding, or multiple miscarriages… Do you see any mercy in the horizon? Don’t you see this family and the prophet labeling you a witch? These people will make you matrimonially destitute. Don’t force this guy down the altar. You’re going to pay the greater price of both of you. A man without a mind of his own is not a man.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Marriage, Mother-in-Law, third parties, false prophets

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