Listen Jil, what do YOU want? I know what everybody wants for you but what do YOU want? Everyone in your family has a matrimonial candidate for you. And so you’re torn between two gentlemen. Your mum of course has her own agenda, which does not necessarily align with your happiness. She’s thinking of what is good for the family fortune, and what is good for public relations, not what is good for you. Your sisters also have their own opinion. (Unfortunately your Dad has no opinion on their opinions). But neither your mum nor your sisters will be in the marriage with you. You will be alone. They will be in THEIR homes
If you marry a monster you will live with a monster. It’s as basic as that. But if you marry a good man then you live with a good man. It’s why you need to decide for yourself what you consider good for you, who you consider good for you. If you’re expecting others to decide whom to marry for you perhaps you’re not ready for marriage. Are these people going to be taking decisions for you in your home? Are you going to keep second-guessing your husband based on the opinions of your mother and sisters? The marriage won’t work! The locus of authority is outside the home. It’s external to the marriage. Your husband will resent your family in these circumstances. Your family is controlling his marriage. And that contradicts the principle of privity of contract between you, your spouse and God.
You ought to have a mind of your own. You can’t be double-minded. You’ll create instability in your marriage. A man of two minds, hesitating & irresolute is unstable, unreliable & uncertain about everything he thinks, feels, decides. However people want to craft a vision for your life, you ought at least to know what YOU want for yourself. No one can know the secret desires of your heart except your heart. The information is private and confidential. Who can know a man except the spirit of that man! In other words, there are things in the inner recesses of your heart no one can ever know except you. There are secret longings in your heart concerning marriage that only you can know. And the irony is that some of the things you want in marriage may be the very antithesis of your mum. The thing you desire most in marriage may just be, you don’t want to be like your mum in any way! So how can the same mum then be the one to make a choice of life partner for you, given her antecedents?
Marriage is not child’s play. It uses up a life. It processes itself through human life; it is not external to it. Marriage goes a very, very long way to determine your happiness. And your destiny. You’re bound to your partner. Marriage is not some Barbie doll stuff. It’s not something you toy with. You’re lucky you have two men desirous of marrying you. Most are praying for just one. They’re not spoilt for choice. When you know what you want then it’s easier to determine which of these men fit the bill. You can’t do it the other way round. You’ll then be trying to make your life fit the profiles of either of these men. Determine what you want and then see who fits the bill. The what ought to determine the who. If for example you want love, then you ought to ask, which of these men will love me and give me happiness – A or B? Thus the desires of your heart get to determine the choice of man you make.
As it is, you and your mother are working at cross-purposes. Her desires might even be based on a set of criteria you know nothing about – alien and historical criteria. She may be reacting to her missed opportunity in marriage, the kind of choice she wished she had made. Perhaps she wished she had married another man and so seeks to correct HER mistake in you. Parents sometimes do that. They seek to correct their mistakes in their child. And so they force their child in certain directions which don’t ordinarily make sense. Until you probe deeper. Some parents seek to redeem their lives through their children. Others seek to redeem the time. They seek to amend their mistakes and error through the marital choices of their children. And so they bring to bear a whole load of pressure on the child, trying to influence the choice of marriage partner.
The over-arching truth in all this however is that in one way or the other we’re all reacting to our pasts. A man from a wretched background who decides to get rich or die trying is reacting to his background. A woman without a loving mother who decides she’ll be a loving mother to her children is reacting to her background. A man whose father never cared much who then decides not to care for HIS children is reacting angrily to his background. And that is how issues in a family become generational, perpetuating themselves up the genetic tree. So we don’t know what your mum is reacting to. Only God knows. Unless she fesses up.
I’m just saying don’t let your mother’s issues determine your future. Make an independent decision on your marital choice. If anything goes wrong in the marriage, you can’t hold anyone responsible, even if you can. That’s the standard life demands. Life holds you responsible for your life, even if others can be blamed. It won’t matter who advised you wrongly on your choice of marriage partner when you suffer marital trauma. The damage is done, the consequences are staring you and only you in the face. You pay the price! The critical point at which you prevent horror in marriage is the point at which you make a choice. Any other thing after that point is damage control. It’s why YOU need to take your own decisions. That is taking responsibility for the outcome of your life. Then you can’t blame anyone, and you can’t say someone misled you. Sit down; determine what you want, and who you want. It’s your marriage after all!
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com.