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Dear Jack, there is just something about sincerity in a relationship. It brings health to a relationship. The opposite of sincerity when it comes to relationship is not the ordinary meaning of the word insincerity. Insincerity is episodic. It suggests an event. Sometimes an isolated event. But in a relationship the word insincerity has rich synonyms. 
Insincerity is the deliberate refusal to say, “I love you” when you do love someone. Insincerity is refusal to verbally acknowledge your feelings to someone with a view to controlling the circumstance. It’s a state of not being trusted for your words and deeds. Insincerity is the withholding of affection when it is due and needful, to manipulate and control the other person.
Insincerity is the pretentious denial of emotions.

Insincerity is the stringing of a partner along. Insincerity is the exacting of emotional benefits without a plan to cement the relationship. Without sincerity a relationship robs itself of essential nutrients. Sincerity is the basis of trust in a relationship.

Insincerity is a tool at the disposal of those who demand sincerity and commitment yet are not willing to commit. And yet for some, insincerity is a bargaining chip used to obtain security in a relationship. The problem with insincerity many times is that it is a present continuous tense. You have to continue to be insincere to maintain advantage.

Insincerity leads to more insincerity. And it can be tiring because the other party knows you’re being insincere. And it can be painful because it willfully denies the other party reciprocity of affection, yet demands that same affection. It is indeed needful of affection. But it has to deny need of affection. I’m not talking about the early flirtatious stages of a relationship. I am talking about the attitudinal state of a relationship. Insincerity is attitudinal.

It leads to all those manipulations of, “I’ll refuse to text her deliberately to appear not needful.” Or, “I’ll refuse to text even though I know she’s waiting for my text after our wonderful date last night.” Simple expressions like, “I really had a good time last night,” become laborious exercises. It’s easier extracting a molar tooth at the dentist’s than extracting simple appreciation from an insincere person. Even simple compliments on looks and beauty are withheld. And simple appreciation for blessings bestowed is measured in doses. It is the image of someone who takes a beaker to measure affection in milliliters.

Insincerity does often achieve short term objectives, but invariably loses on the main goal. People are sometimes so caught up in achieving short-term objectives that they lose sight of the main goal. You achieve the emotional manipulation of a relationship through insincerity but lose on the giving and receiving of love. And how smart can that be to achieve an inconsequential but lose the main blessing?

There are some things only sincerity can achieve in a relationship. You can’t achieve through insincerity what sincerity was designed to deliver. The natural openness and liberty in a relationship becomes lost in translation when there’s insincerity.

The energy required to maintain insincerity in a relationship is too high. You have to always be on your guard, to stay focused on the objective of seeking to manipulate. That’s a lot of wastage of energy;, a lot of waste of human resources. If that energy is poured into sincerity of affection it will yield a massive dose of health and happiness. And it does get too much. At some point – whether before or after marriage insincerity outplays itself. The other party may either give up from unrequited affection, or begin to second-guess your every action. With insincerity, everything becomes calculated. There’s always a design, a motivation.

Insincerity creates inequality in a relationship. If both parties are adept at it then that is no longer a relationship. The relationship becomes a game, a Spy vs. Spy thriller, each party trying to outfox the other with pretentiousness. Why don’t you simply let her know how you feel about her? What do you lose? You already have feelings for her. You know she loves you. Just being sincere can only get you more love.

People are insincere in relationships for a variety of reasons. For some it’s an expression of insecurity – not wanting to be at the “mercy” of someone. For some others insincerity is political – trying to be in control of the relationship, for the sake of control. Such people don’t understand any other relationship paradigm. They just want to be in control.

For some people insincerity is a measure of emotional stinginess – the refusal to be generous with affection. And for others insincerity is a moral flaw – the mere continuance of a pattern of lying. For yet others it is because of their upbringing. They can’t trust anybody. They express distrust in insincerity. But insincerity defeats the very purpose of a relationship. It turns a relationship into one long bargaining process. And nobody wants to engage in that kind of process. At least not for life. At some point the value chain breaks down.

If you want a truly loving and affectionate relationship, you and your partner must be sincere with each other. Sincerity is nakedness. When there’s sincerity in a relationship the parties will not be ashamed. They can be themselves and expect acceptance. Why don’t you just call her and tell her how you truly feel about her.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Sincerity, expression

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