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Read Letter

Manchester United

My dear Jil, I know you guys are far away in Manchester. Maybe we’ll see when I go up to Sheffield. But the English December weather is not exactly my thing at this time of the year. I prefer Miami, Florida. But let me explain it to you, to show you where couples get it wrong. 
People often think that marriage is about a husband and wife being united. But that’s not true. A man and his wife must be unified, not united. And the two shall become one flesh. That’s a fusion. A united couple still presupposes two separate lives. But a unified couple is a wholeness and singularity. You’re a unified entity, not a united entity. His life is yours, your life is his. If he hurts, you hurt and if you hurt, he hurts, because you’re one spiritually. You demonstrate that oneness in sexual integration. It’s concept demonstration of union. Marriage is not a “team sport.” That presupposes two people matching in cadence or working towards a defined objective. The concept of marriage is an organic whole. Just one entity. It’s why it’s a mystery.In a unified system no one can separate you. It’s a conceptual impossibility. There are no two people. It’s when you remain two that people can tear you apart, put a wedge between you. Your husband is you and you are your husband. It’s why you defend him and he must defend you. He defends himself. We manifest unification when we take such defensive posture. It’s a painful thing to watch when a man runs down his wife, or the woman runs down her husband. A husband and a wife tearing each other down don’t understand the concept of marriage. As you tear him down you tear yourself down, literally. As he tears you down he tears himself down. Why? Because you’re a holism. You’re one entity, not two. You’re fused not tied together. If you have a problem with each other it must be resolved internally. But that can only happen if you see the union as indissoluble, if you desire it to be so. If every time you have a quarrel with him you call your council of traducers to tear him apart, you’re not wise. Ditto him. If every time you have a quarrel he goes to his family to run you down, he’s not wise either. You can’t claim to love someone and keeping tearing them down in public. There’s a contradiction in there.

There are secrets that must stay within a marriage. When those secrets are exposed something sacred is violated. Trust is violated when you share the intimacies of your husband with strangers. Same for him too. And everyone is a stranger to your marriage except God. Marriage is a closed partnership. If you go out there and tear your husband apart, what does that say about your judgment? You married him! If he’s a moron you married the moron. And so logically, you’re a moron yourself. And if you’re such a terrible person and he married you, what does that say about HIS judgment? You guys had something fantastic going. You don’t understand the world do you?

Those “friends” of yours with whom you’re destroying your husband, they never liked the fact you were happily married in the first place, that you found love. Some of them have terrible marriages. Some you know, and even with those you can’t know how bad. They’re only too glad to share terrible stories in your marriage. It’s an equalizer. People don’t like experiencing pain alone. They like the fact you’re going through pain and sorrow too. All that sympathy they’re offering you… they’re secretly happy. It’s comforting to them you’re sad. After all, everything seemed to be going too right for you when everyone seemed to be suffering. They will help you tear your marriage apart whilst keeping theirs. When you’re out they’ll still be in. And the things they’re telling you they can’t tolerate from their husband… trust me they’re enduring worse. May God give you wisdom and open your eyes to the wicked hypocrisy of the world.

You don’t know it yet, but you’re marching to the cadence of their affirmation music towards divorce. We must be assumed to desire what we strenuously work towards. And so if both of you keep tearing each other down, one must assume that you want dissolution of marriage. Tearing each other down doesn’t sound like a family project. Not for those interested in staying together. Am I saying he didn’t do wrong in what he did? Of course not. He’s wrong and you’re wrong. However, he’s wronger and you’re wronger in tearing each other down before third parties. I’d advise you both pull back and stop sharing your intimates with outsiders. If you plunge ahead and divorce happens, you’ll learn the unpleasant confrontation with what you didn’t desire. Years down the line, when you’re older and wiser you’d see the divorce was a mistake. Could have been prevented. There’s always the illusion of, “I’ll easily get another man.” Possible. But what if you don’t? There are many who said that before you still languishing on the bed of loneliness.

In your clime, your choices are significantly narrowed after divorce and a child. This is just a fact. And why destroy your marriage? What do you gain from tearing it apart? I was studying the writing of Paul the other day, and he made a startling assertion: “Marriage is a gift from God”. It’s why we treat it respectfully. It’s why we cherish it. It’s a channel of blessing and well-being. But we can’t be profane, treating sacred things like common. We’re not Esau. And Esaus weep! You and your husband sit down and hear each other out. Just sit down and talk it over. I’d say what goes on in your marriage should stay in your marriage. A man is particularly hurt when he knows you’ve been discussing him with your friends. The same way you’re hurt he’s been discussing you with his mother and sisters. Sit down and trash out whatever the issues are, and reconcile. Go back to being one. Remember, you’re not Manchester United, you’re Manchester Unified. But if you won’t listen to counsel, then you better prepare for the inevitable. I only hope both of you are wise enough.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Unity

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