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Read Letter

Emotional Insincerity

My dear Jil, I’ve taken time to think about it, you know, just think through. I surmise the most important thing in a relationship is sincerity. It’s the basis of trust. Once you remove sincerity from a relationship everything becomes contrived, everything becomes manipulative. Affection will be withheld with a view. That’s one of the symptoms of a manipulated relationship. The relationship becomes a cat and mouse game. Everything becomes conditional. There can’t be commitments. Each party waits for the commitment of other party before expressing basic affection. No one will want to say “I love you” unless the other party commits to that simple statement of affection. Neither party will be able to say, “I care for you” either, or something as benign as “I like you!” Whoever is generous in the relationship will be short-changed of affection. Someone will be seeking to be in control, which if you really think about it is a measure of insecurity.

Affection ought to be liberal in a relationship. And so should be expression of affection. Sincerity is being yourself, and having a child’s heart. Sincerity is simple trust. You can’t remove sincerity from a relationship and expect to have honest expression of affection. And once affection or expression of affection is withheld, the relationship becomes one-sided. The balance of affection is altered, replaced by a balance of power. And that logic is based on the premise that he who loves less controls the relationship. But here’s the rub: You will have control of the relationship but suffer emotional malnutrition of vital affection and love. And anyway, someone is going to start feeling cheated in that relationship. The relationship soon becomes wrested from the hands of both parties into the hands of one party.

Unfortunately, you do need your partner’s affection. Selfish love doesn’t satisfy in a relationship. Once a relationship enters a phase of selfishness it becomes hurtful and needlessly painful. The other party will not understand the relationship. The more he loves, the more hurtful it’ll become. There’s something inherently contradictory with selfishness in a relationship. The relationship becomes confusing. The very notion of relationship is hinged on selflessness. Or you don’t need the other party. What you aim to amass through selfishness in a relationship invariably becomes what you lose. When there’s no insincerity in a relationship, there are less issues. There’ll be no guile.

That’s what sincerity in a relationship produces. It’s obvious you can’t aim to harvest the fruits of sincerity with the seeds of insincerity. But insincerity blinds people to obvious truths. Insincerity is blinding. An insincere person can’t see herself, or see the effect of what she’s doing – how she’s hurting herself. And so you can’t see yourself. All you’re thinking of is how to manipulate the relationship to your advantage. And because there’s no sincerity you can’t even be sincere to yourself about your feelings for the other party. You can’t admit your feelings for the other person to yourself, which sets in motion a series of things. You will start projecting those feelings on to your partner, and you’ll start making strange rules, to safeguard yourself. You will however claim that the rules are to regulate HIM in the relationship. And this comes across horrible, especially when the relationship is still tentative and about to happen. You will destroy the relationship before it’s even started. And you’ll know the truth but you won’t understand why the guy is keeping away from you. And since you can’t admit your need for the other party, you will start behaving as if you’re doing him a favour. (Don’t forget your insincerity demands that you deny you need the relationship even more than him).

Unfortunately, manipulative insincerity scares people off a relationship. If anyone stays in a manipulative relationship, he or she must be ready to endure emotional hurt. Everything becomes cavalier. The guy will keep giving emotionally until he becomes emotionally tired of endless giving. And you’ll soon be left alone. What you need most you’ve denied. And you can’t admit it to yourself. As the guy pulls out to protect himself, you’ll read his action as trying to make a point, but it’s not. He’s just hurting inside on your behalf, wondering why you’re doing what you do, how it’s so unnecessary.

Insincerity in a relationship is necessarily counter-productive. The truth is, insincerity in a relationship many times stems from pride – the inability and unwillingness to admit need. Relationships don’t do well with pride. Mutual submission requires humility. You don’t lose anything being honest and sincere about your feelings in a relationship, unless it’s short stay relationship. The more sincere you are, the more you open the other party up. And if he can’t reciprocate sincerity, he’s not worth you. The pathetic thing about insincerity is that the other party knows the truth about your sincere state. That you don’t ADMIT liking or loving someone doesn’t change the fact you love the someone. The other party can see through. That’s why you come across as insincere.

Insincerity is contrived denial of a state of affair. It’s the denial of obvious truth. Yes, you could say you’re withholding affection so he continues to chase you. But you better be ready for the consequences. Because soon it’s only your shadow that will keep chasing you, the guy having given up a long time ago. One would have thought that the initial pretext was just to rein him in, and having reeled him in, you’ll change tactic. But you’ve made withholding affection a permanent feature of the relationship, destroying “something” in the process. At some point you’ll have to decide what is more important to you: accruing power in the relationship, or being loved? And that’s my two-penny worth of advice on this lingering issue.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Manipulation, Insincerity

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