My dear Jil, it’s very early in the year and I think it’s important to set a tone for the year, it’s young. By now of course you would have discovered that resolutions don’t seem to work. It’s not because resolutions are a bad idea, it’s just that they’re structurally deficient and underpowered. They depend too much on human will but fail to account for counter-wills. Willfulness, selfishness and self-centeredness overwrite resolutions. Without resolving those, resolutions can’t work. I’d rather recommend you depend on God’s grace this year instead of your willpower. Grace is empowerment. The structure of resolutions is that when it breaks, it consigns us to what we’re running from. Makes us give up! A resolution is nothing more than a serious decision with a hint of finality embedded. That finality can go either way.
Unlike resolution however, grace gives us second, third, seventh, tenth chances, as we fail. Grace is very optimistic. You need to seek God’s help in all you do. You must depend on his abilities, kindnesses and backing. That’s humility. And I’m not talking about showmanship religiosity. That’s so condemnatory and pompously self-righteous. Showmanship religiosity grandstands, and it’s so judgmental. It wears the habiliments of superiority with false modesty. What I’m talking about is an honest, naked sincerity with a caring, understanding and loving God. You will need God’s grace to access the corridors of the human heart when it comes to relationship and choice of partner. The heart of man is very deep and labyrinthine. The invisible pockets of the soul can be full of dark shadows. Our condition colours our perspective, and so we can’t see people for who they truly are. It’s why after a breakup we begin to see things that were there but which we never saw. Our condition blinded us.
Sometimes the realisation of those truths, the very fact of them and the grappling with them is so painful. Many times a very difficult relationship is God blocking our path to sorrow and depression in the future. But I do need to warn you about one or two things… things I observed from a slew of interactions during the hols. You need to be careful about what I call false narratives. A false narrative edits out critical facts from history, and then latches on to an excuse to hold a grudge against someone. And this grudge can subsist on the fuel of the false narrative for years. Amazing how people can carry a grudge for years! They soon find collaborators and partners – people with an agenda of their own and holding on to special grudges.
We deploy false narratives for proxy battles, or to create an excuse to hold malice against someone. It’s edited and tailored facts, which in truth is tantamount to invention of lies against someone. An inability to handle loss of relationship and admit wrong can lead someone down that path. The loss is an emotive factor. Let’s for example imagine that you are difficult to get along with, and so destroyed your relationship. A false narrative will eliminate any wrongdoing and personal responsibility for the demise of the relationship. It will insist on hanging on to the fact that the guy walked out, blind itself to being the cause of the breakup. And so a false narrator creates a story that blames others for that which she caused. And then she recruits disgruntled people, who have false narrations of their own and have an agenda. And that’s how a coalition of the aggrieved and malicious is formed, all united by a common cause. And you see this a lot in breakup scenarios. You have to be careful about this. You can’t hold a grudge against someone for protecting himself against the trauma of your willfulness. Take responsibility for that relationship you blew up, for the guy you lost. Quit blaming him for the disappointment. If you mess up a potentially wonderful relationship, own up to the fact and accept it. Quit blaming your ex for walking out. Or you’ll descend into malice and end up recruiting haters against him though you know the truth. What do you want him to do? To continue to endure pain and selfishness, and willfulness and a difficult spirit? You’ve got to be careful about teaming up with others in pursuit of a malicious objective against an innocent person. Most times such teamsters in malice are coming from a place you don’t even know anything about. They’re using you, just as you’re using them. And all of you know that fact but jaundice is employed to obfuscate truth. There can be no truth and sincerity in a relationship in which the parties are using each other. They’re only teaming up with you because they need your energy to double down on attempt to destroy someone’s goodwill.
The second thing to learn is that some people are just busybodies and won’t leave your past alone. They’ll keep asking about your ex, seven, eight years after the fact. It’s a willful exhibition of, and propagation of malice. If you’ve moved on, why would someone insist on asking about your ex? You should shut such people down. If they can’t dwell in the present with you,then you have a right to confine them to your past. You don’t have to answer the calls of those who dislike you. Why use your phone to receive unhappiness? There’ll be relationships you need to cut off this year. Relationships that exacerbate should be cut off. Learn to use the delete button for those who add no value whatsoever to your life, who bring you anger and disappointment. You must avoid the poisonous chalices on offer from idle and insistent purveyors of negativism and malice. So called relationship with friends that leave you angry after every interaction should be voided. These people will just keep making you unhappy, lowering your energy level and creating anger within you. And you need all the energy you can muster this year. You need to concentrate and avoid distractions. If people don’t like you, you’ll be running a huge risk exposing yourself to them out of civility. Don’t love trauma.
There’ll always be those cynical about your progress in life – who smile at you but harbor hatred in their heart. You ought to be wise in dealing with people this year, especially the cynical. Avoid the envious too. If someone claims to be your friend but seeps of cynical remarks about you, reconsider that “friendship.” You’ve got to channel your energy correctly this year. Don’t waste your strength on unfruitful relationships. If someone condemns you without knowing the facts, they’re not interested in facts. Stop seeking to impress facts on such. Life is a journey. And on that journey there are sometimes pains, disappointments, sorrows and heartbreaks. But there are also victories and joys, and moments we cherish, and moments we remember. Life is not all grey. Concentrate on the positive. Avoid negative people. It’s going to be a great year. Hold on in faith.
Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com