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Read Letter

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year Jack, I hope you had a very nice holiday. I did, and I’m pumped up for the year. I told you you’ll need God’s help in the propagation of this year. Remember we spoke about spirituality last year. I’m talking an honest simple relationship with God. I asked you to open a diary of thanksgiving, to diarise the good things God does for you. Now is the time. It’s the only way to appreciate the immensity of God’s goodness in your life. You won’t realise until the end of the year. Human memory is alzheimic. It tends to forget. And it didn’t happen if we can’t remember it. That’s the nature of memory. 

I also taught you to set one primary goal for the year into which you can pour all your energy. Focus is an essential principle of success in life. Focus. Your primary goal for the year may be furthering your education, attaining a certain grade point, getting married, starting a business, getting out of a ruinous relationship, starting a family, taking care of the less fortunate… The list is endless and only you can determine what is important to you. But do have a primary goal. You measure your success at the end of the year by how far you’ve gone with your primary objective.

Of course it’s important you get your relationship right too. You have to note that too much choice creates a problem of choice. You don’t need to go out with everybody to determine who to date. There’s an aesthetic range no doubt…the kind of looks you get attracted to. But looks alone are not enough in choosing a partner. If you go by looks only, you’ll make a huge mistake. Beauty is not surface deep, it is heart deep. Marry a heart not just a look. Visual aesthetic is an inappropriate barmeter of character. The two are unrelated, occupying different dimensions. And yet you must marry them together in choosing a partner. If the heart of your partner is right then you know the mistakes will be honest mistakes. If your partner’s heart is loving, you have basic insurance. You’ve cured the question of motivation in your relationship. But if your partner’s heart is devious then you won’t know what you’re dealing with in that relationship. And if your partner’s heart is deceitful, then you can’t even know the truth of any word she utters or her true feelings. If she’s deceitful you won’t know when she’s manipulating you, or just plain lying.

It goes to the issue of trust. Without trust in a relationship everything is subject to suspicion and doubt. Without trust in a relationship accusations are bound to fly. And every phone text becomes a suspicious digital packet. Because there’s no trust. A lack of trust in a relationship is a mild form of hypertension. The relationship will constantly be on edge. So let’s look at what we have so far, so you keep track. One, attraction matters. Two, character matters. Three, trust is critical.

Here’s another thing. It’s not compulsory you pair up with someone at a social function. There’s that thing about nine girls and nine boys and eight of the boys are paired up leaving you and a babe unpaired. The natural temptation is a forced pairing of both you and that ninth girl, but you shouldn’t if you’re not attracted to her. There’ll always be another function, another event, another gathering. When you do a forced pairing and you don’t like the woman, you’ll invariably punish her, or suffer. And that a woman wants you doesn’t mean you should want her. You’ve got to take your own decision.

Last year I received so many mails from passive boyfriends who got marriage decisions made for them by the girl. They refused to take responsibility for their lives. The women proposed and set the date for marriage. Then they began to panic as the reality dawned on them and the clock wound down. And atypical, they wanted me to take a decision for them whether to stay or jump. Of course I refused to. If there’s a resolution you need to make this year, it is taking responsibility for your life, and taking your own decisions. Never let anyone determine your marriage partner for you. That’s often a huge mistake. Take responsibility. That mistake can last twenty years, by which time you’ll have gone through horrific depression. YOU have to choose whom to marry. You shouldn’t put that responsibility on others or abdicate responsibility. If you abdicate responsibility for choice of your marital partner, you will have regrets and you can’t blame anyone. Many times the people choosing a wife for you are choosing a wife for themselves. They’re choosing their own specs. A man always takes responsibility.

And a relationship ought to be natural. The idea of an artificial relationship is self-contradictory. By the time your relationship begins to feel like a PowerPoint presentation then you know something is wrong. And this artificial construct gets ever more ridiculous with the drawing up of topics for discussion, books to read! Who’s teaching all these mechanised notions of relationship – “spiritual affirmation,” “witness of the spirit”?! The problem with bad teachings is that they take some time to manifest dangerous results. That interim period is unfortunately seen as validation of the bad teaching. Relationships based on bad teaching invariably break down from the pressure of unhappiness within. Physical attraction is not unspiritual. It is valid. Only don’t make it the only basis of your choice. If you’re not attracted to her, don’t go into a relationship with her. You’d be tolerating her and her looks… Or super-conditioning yourself to live in depression. I’ll answer the other questions you asked in another mail. Have a very wonderful year.

Your mentor, LA.

© Leke Alder |

Tags : what to look for in a relationship, Choosing a partner

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