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Read Letter

Deconstructed Relationship

My dear Jil, let me tell you a story about two people who could have been. (We are going a bit deep in this letter. We’re going to explore the ventricles of the human heart). I want you to understand the workings of why we do what we do in a relationship, what motivates our actions. More often than not we’re not aware of these things, the effect of them. We’re too focused on ourselves. Yet they mar our relationship and prevent us from getting what we want, and the happiness we truly need. Here’s the story: Two people met online and in the course of time met offline. There was strong attraction between them. It was one of those relationships that just “happened”, you know, those relationships you can’t really explain the genesis of. You know how the relationship started but you don’t know why it started – exactly what prompted what. Usually that means both parties have been in search of something embedded in each other. May be genuine friendship, or sincerity, or love. Or a combination of all three. It may be trust. Anyway, these two people started a wonderful relationship. They were a wonderful thing to behold. The girl was happy, the boy was happy. They were free with each other. What was budding was so beautiful.

Now, every relationship has a structure, albeit a dynamic structure. Think of that structure as an architectural model. In a good relationship, everything just seems to be in place though all the parts are moving at once. With each knowledge revealed, there’s an auto reconfiguration of that structure. If the parties are good hearted and sincere, each reconfiguration will result in even more beautiful. Even if there’s a disagreement, the structure will still come out fine. It will be stronger from deeper understanding. The truth though, is that in every relationship we’re all coming from somewhere. Some are coming from a dream space, and so they approach a relationship romantically. They love the good person in front of them, rule out suppositions and suspicions.

When two people are coming from this kind of perspective, the result is a wonderful relationship. There’s no fear in that kind of love. The good-heartedness of the parties is the insurance in the relationship. And it means that when the other party does wrong, it is counted as a sincere wrong. Forgiveness is easy. But not everyone comes into a relationship from a dream space. Some are coming from pain, from a bad experience, and so they treat their counterparty with suspicion. Anything that REMOTELY SUGGESTS something in their bad experience is viciously hacked down.

Decrees are soon issued and introduced, emotional boundaries unilaterally dictated and determined. The counterparty has to prove he has no ulterior motive, he’s not a bad person – and he can’t understand that. He can’t understand why his innocent words are treated with so much suspicion, and interpreted in unsavoury light. He can’t understand why the girl is issuing commands, and the texts are getting stentorian in tone. The truth is that what she’s accusing her partner of, she may actually be struggling with. And so if she’s sexually attracted to the other party, she begins to accuse him of trying to have sex with her. Or she begins to blame the poor young man for the sins of her last boyfriend – a fight she hasn’t fought to her satisfaction. And that was what happened with these two people.

The potentially wonderful relationship became deconstructed. The lady essentially took the relationship, removed some stuff, realigned some, and began to manipulate the relationship. She repainted the new structure she created, and presented it to the other party as what he wants! The other party was just meant to accept it, which he invariably did but with a hidden caveat. He began to draw back on the inside, no longer trusting her – didn’t even know how to relate with her again. Meanwhile she thought she was protecting herself, not knowing she was accusing the other party. She thought she was defining boundaries not knowing she was confusing the other party. And because she was not the recipient of those accusations, she couldn’t feel the pain of the other party. She didn’t realize that in all that manipulation she wrecked something vital in the relationship – sincerity. It became obvious she was withholding affection. Something as simple as  “I miss you” became tortuous. She created another relationship entirely, on her terms – something manipulated and selfish. She brought so much disappointment, pain and suspicion into the relationship; unvoiced and implied accusations.

Imagine being accused of what you didn’t do? That’s how the relationship now felt to the young man. She wanted to be in control of the relationship, to control the dynamics, dictate the terms. An attempt was even made to change the narrative from a relationship that just happened, to one in which the guy chased her. She altered the balance of affection in the relationship to accumulate power, but then the other party began to wonder. She ends up presenting an unflattering picture of herself, which made the other person sigh. Several times.

Now, I hope you understand why I tell you to put the past behind you, to forgive and move on. An unresolved past destroys a beautiful new relationship. Stop trying to resolve the past by arguing in your head with people who’ll never believe you, seeking to clear an accusation. You can’t fight your past boyfriend by proxy by punishing the innocent wonderful new boyfriend you have. If you do, don’t wonder if he chooses to withdraw, or is no longer enthusiastic about your relationship. By your actions, accusations and suspicions you have made him afraid of getting close to you. And you’re hurting yourself. As it is now you’ve portrayed to the gentleman you’re doing him a favour, that you really don’t need him or the relationship. Which is not true. You actually need the relationship, and you need him. In becoming manipulative of the relationship you killed something innocent and natural. And you’ve compounded it all by your inability to say I’m sorry, I did wrong, I couldn’t help myself! My advice is simple: Don’t lose your future to your past. Make what you will of that advice.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Trust, Ex

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