My dear Jack, I came across this deep statement the other day: To the pure all things are pure. I took some time to reflect on it. It’s such a powerful statement. It means a given set of facts will be interpreted differently by varying sets of people, depending on perspective. I’m not so concerned about the moral dimension of the statement. That’s pretty obvious. I’m rather interested in the principle embedded. That is of more practical significance since it’s multi-applicable.
The statement implies that our state of mind and disposition determines our perspective. And that is so true. When you’re in love for instance there are things you won’t see and can’t see. Your state blinds you. When you do fall out of love however, there are things you then begin to see, only in retrospect. That’s when you begin to realize the import of certain statements your partner made.
Suffering also conditions the mind. When we’re down for example, we’re prone to mistake of choice of partner. It’s why a rebound relationship after a breakup hardly works. The state of mind is confused. When we’re emotionally down, we naturally reach out for amelioration of pain and suffering. We desire companionship. Rebound relationships work up to the point of no more need for amelioration. No one continues to take meds after being cured. The rebound relationship thus becomes redundant, bringing disappointment and pain. Someone begins to feel used. You have to be careful about commitment in a rebound relationship. Never wise to make decisions under anesthesia, which is what a rebound relationship is. A rebound relationship anaesthetizes pain. But let’s leave rebound relationships. Let’s continue our discourse.
In life, we see what we want to see. We also interpret a given set of facts according to our experience in life. Horrific past experiences jaundice our viewpoints. Anything remotely similar may make us lash out. Which is why I tell you, you must forgive those who offend you. Unforgiveness is a terrible baggage. That someone doesn’t apologize doesn’t mean you shouldn’t forgive. Apology is not always a basis of forgiveness. You can forgive without an apology. Forgiveness HAS to be unilateral. It has to be unconditional. For your sake. It must not be predicated on apology. The danger of predicating forgiveness on apology is that the apology may never come, or may not be enough.
When apology is not enough it creates more anger, and doubles unforgiveness. But if you choose to forgive – apology or no apology – you’re free from predicating your soul health on the action of others. And unforgiveness is a present continuous tense. We often carry it from one relationship to another. And so what you didn’t forgive in your last relationship is bound to become a problem in your next relationship. And that’s how you become emotionally constipated and develop “issues”. That guy has issues is what we’ll say. Besides, it’s always better to live free, to be free of baggage. Most times those who caused us pain have moved on, while we’re still sitting there nursing our pain into adult babies.
Without forgiveness you’ll be emotionally constipated. And not just forgiveness of a lover or spouse, but also of parents. Some people won’t forgive their father, even after the man is gone! What’s the point of fighting a dead man? What then happens is that you turn the man into a character in a play going on in your head. You’ll start generating conversations and arguing with your own conversations. You’re a scriptwriter. There’ll be a dialogue going on in your head, like you’re generating a script for a play in real time. Sometimes when you see people talking to themselves, they’re conversing with people out of reach.
It’s dangerous to have multiple conversations going on in the head. Means you’re psychologically split. And when one is psychologically split in two, it’s a forebode of something ominous. What then happens is that you develop two personalities, both cohabiting you. There’s the nice you that everyone knows. And then there’s this other you that lashes out at people. The first you is the conscious you who lives in the present, relating to people – nice, helpful and loving. But then there’s the other you, the secret you. The one nobody can see, the one you’re having conversation with. The outcome of that conversation can’t make sense. It’s why people can’t understand the anger you unleash sometimes. You unleash that anger because the other voice in your head is saying irritable things you’re arguing with. And that can happen when you’re trying to have the upper hand about an incidence gone by. The one out of reach. You want this person out of reach to see your point, admit her error, see her mistake. But the person has moved on.
And so two natures begin to contend inside of you, like a Jekyl/Hyde scenario. Which can be confusing, and which of course prevents you from having a good relationship. Let it go! Leave the past alone. There are things you can’t recover. And there are things you shouldn’t try and recover. Why? Because some things are an exercise in futility. Let the past stay in the past, move on! With an adjusted frame of reference, then you can approach people free of pain and trauma. And that statement comes to pass, to the pure all things are pure. But the corollary is also true: To the impure, all things are impure. And we can even stretch things a bit further, stretch our creativity. And so we can also say – To the suspicious all things are suspicious. To the crooked all things are crooked. I hope you get it!
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com