Register here

Register using an email address

Terms & Conditions

Already have an account? Login here

Register using a social network


Login using your email address

Keep me logged in
Forgot your password?

Login using a social network


Read Letter

Dating A Separated Man

Dear Jil, to be honest with you, you’re in a quandary. Dating a separated man is tricky. It can go either way. There’s a probability it may lead to marriage, a probability; but there’s also the probability he may return to his wife. If you’re pregnant for him and he returns to his wife, you’ll be holding the very short end of a looong stick. You’ll be stuck with a child, have no husband, and you’ll assume all the complications involved in such reality show. If he returns to his wife, you end up being a baby mama; if he thereafter carries on relationship with you, you’re a concubine.

There’s an awful messiness involved in the later scenario. His primary and legal family will always take priority. You’ll always be secondary in the scheme of things. You can’t see him when you will. It has to be when his family has no demand. And God forbid the inevitable comes suddenly. Then you better hope he wrote a will. Even with a will, the legal wife will still view you as an unwarranted interloper. She’ll treat you accordingly. You may want to avoid all those cemetery scenarios in which your child makes his public debut at the graveside. These are inevitable consequences of getting pregnant for a man who is separated but who returns to his wife.

To be fair it’s not as if many of these men plan to strand a lady – to leave her in strange and unfavourable place. It has to do with the nature of divorce and the natural consequences of separation. When a man is having marital trauma, his natural instinct is to seek amelioration in the bosom of another woman. The man has natural and continuing needs. He is emotionally needful, lonely, depressed and suffering. And so he becomes emotionally hungry. And as life often has it, someone will step into that role, providing kindness to him. At some point thoughts of permanence will crop into the mind of the ameliorator. That’s natural, and it’s equitable. The man also begins to think of permanentness. He starts thinking of the idea of settling down with his good Samaritan.

The now girlfriend begins to exercise faith in a vision of the future, looking forward to when his divorce will be through. Only that he might not have filed the papers. And even if, divorce takes time, and quite a number of steps. That gap creates a window of opportunity for the incumbent to repair her relationship with her husband. If the wife is much interested in keeping her marriage she would fight back for her husband. She may procure family assistance. And when families get involved, familial pressure is mounted on the man. This can lead to make-up talk, which can lead to make-up sex, which can lead to make-up child. But even without make-up baby, the familial pressure will make his decision to leave tougher. It takes a lot of will and resoluteness to go through divorce in this scenario. Don’t also forget societal pressure. Then there are his children (if the marriage produced children). They’re a major emotional pressure in divorce considerations.

And so the man becomes ambivalent, but he won’t tell you. He wants you but the cost of leaving his marriage is now high. Men are analytical. If the only value in your relationship is good sex, that won’t be enough given the circumstances. The equitable quantities in his marriage – like his children, as well as social tidiness will reduce the value of the sex. It will boil down to sex versus wife, children, social tidiness and accumulated social equity. You can see the decision will not be that difficult to make. Sex is not as big as those other factors. If what you offer however is real value, like happiness, peace, health and love, then the decision becomes tougher. At the end of the day he will have to weigh the cost of starting afresh with you against cost of continuity with his wife. He may want to continue with you but those other factors may prove too powerful. And so he goes back to his wife. It’s not about whether you’re compelling enough, it’s just that strong sociological dynamics are involved.

It is at this stage some women decide to get pregnant to force the man to stay. That’s a risky bet. And it complicates everything. He’ll see you’re trying to trap him with pregnancy. Will put him off you. Men react to pregnancy traps very negatively. It evaporates love faster than the desert heat does ice. Of course some pregnancies are not wilful or deliberate, but the man will still wonder. It will cross his mind. Even if he was planning to indeed leave his wife, that pregnancy has messed up his timeline. Getting pregnant for a man merely separated from his wife is a gambler’s proposition. Who can predict the odds! A tidy relationship is always better. If he’s separated don’t get pregnant. It complicates things and can get really messy. Let him produce his divorce certificate, and let him marry you properly, showing respect to your parents. Don’t do anticipatory pregnancy. You may be surprised that when he’s free, you’re no longer a compelling proposition. The reason is simple: when a man is hungry every food tastes delicious. And so when he was emotionally needful, he couldn’t discriminate provisions. He took what was available. But now he’s free he’s going to ponder if you’re after all the best deal he can get. And anyway, competitors will arise. Many girls will sharpen their claws. Your kill goes into contention. And it’s worse if he has no character. When he’s free is when you’ll know his character. All the baby, baby said during sex will evaporate. You’ll bear your real name. He has no need of you again. And all those dream castles you built with him – It will turn out the mortar was thin air.

And some separated men are merely looking for someone to bear children for them, or to produce a particular sex. And now you see why there are many bitter women associated with separated men who didn’t go through with divorce. And some actually have no intention to divorce their wives. They’re just looking for extra marital comforter. Sometimes a husband and wife are in a civil separation. The man is in another state or country. They hardly see. If a man hardly spends time with his family though married, there’s a high possibility of a domestic situation. That’s not saying things can’t result in marriage with a separated man. It’s just that statistics is not on your side. Be wise.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : dating a married man

Post Your Comments Here