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Read Letter

How Unfortunate

Dear Jack, sometimes we do highly consequential stuff without fully realizing. For example, a man can do something that greatly hurts his wife or girlfriend, yet he may not mean it that way. But if you see the agony of her soul, that should tell you how consequential your action was. It means you’ve hurt her deeply, and you must go and apologise to her, ask for her forgiveness, reassure her of your love. If you don’t, that consequential stuff will acquire a life of its own and you may lose her, though she loves you. If you can’t contemplate losing her, then you know you have something very valuable, a special gift from God. However right you may feel in such scenario, it is not the time to assert your right but to assure her of your love. If she’s in that much agony, it means whatever it is means a lot to her. And you have to address it if you love her.

If you love her, you have to give up the things that trigger that level of agony. You have to sacrifice for her. There are things you do for your wife, just because she’s your wife. She really doesn’t want to lose you is why she’s in agony. It means she cherishes your relationship. It’s just that her makeup and constitution can’t bear whatever it is and you must give it up. That level of agony can be triggered by a number of factors – something your mum did, your female friends, information she’s not appraised of that suggests you’re hiding things from her, and so on and so on. It just means she’s feeling most insecure in the circumstances and it’s all so painful to her. It’s important you understand the constitution of your woman. You’ve got to know what she can’t handle, what she can’t absorb. Everyone has a tolerance range. Love has great absorbent capacity but sometimes peculiar constitutions can’t absorb some things. And if you love her, there are things you’ll give up for her, rights you’d give up.

From my reading of your mail, seems you have such a wonderful woman. And I know you love her. For whatever it’s worth, both of you must not lose whatever you have. It’s wonderful and rare. You’ve got to work to keep it. Such a combination is too wonderful to throw away. There’s a high level of love and commitment on both sides. It is this kind of relationship you must never allow third parties to break, or insist on rights on. I’m just saying if it’s that painful to her and you see her cry so much, you must reconsider some things. It’s called mutual submission. Without mutual submission a relationship cannot work.

There’s a balance somewhere both of you must arrive at, but the first thing is restoration of her emotional balance. You’ve got to be sincere with her in your assurances to her, tell her you don’t mean it. Men are not as emotionally sensitive as women. It’s how this issue got to this level in the first place. You thought it was a simple disagreement over something not that serious, a much ado over nothing. But once a simple disagreement generates that level of pain and agony, it’s no longer a simple disagreement. And you must address it fast, after all you genuinely love her. In her state of agony you can’t get annoyed with her. It will be callous. Absorb whatever she says. Neither is it the time to express YOUR rights on how things ought to be. She’s in pain. And she’s angry! Win her back, give her utmost assurances of your love.

You’ve also got to address the critical issue, take it off the table. If you don’t address the central issue, the fear will still be there, the pain will not go away. Such level of agony means whatever it is, is threatening her security in the relationship. Now, it may not be a real threat, but it’s enough if she perceives it as a real threat. Her perception is her reality. Therefore address it, don’t justify it. That’s a huge mistake which will only make her angrier. You know you love her, genuinely love her. So behave like someone who loves her.

Think about it. This lady has given you emotional balance, and she’s so sincere in her love for you. You don’t want to lose someone like that. It’s not advisable you lose each other. You mean too much to each other. What usually happens in these scenarios is that the woman threatens to leave and out of anger the man says, leave! But she really didn’t mean it. Neither does the man really. She threw the gauntlet as a negotiation opener. But threat has been countered by counter-threat. That’s an unfortunate thing because things are going to escalate from there. One consequence will lead to another. And the whole thing soon snowballs into an unfortunate and painful breakup like a playback slow motion happening fast.

I’m just saying if two people love each other so much, then they must do everything to preserve their relationship. No relationship outside your relationship is as valuable. Don’t let life teach you that lesson. Sometimes we think we can just lose someone wonderful and pick up another wonderful person easily. But life isn’t that way. Wonderful beings are not that easily interchangeable. That’s because we all have peculiar constitutions. You may be wonderful for her but be terrible for everybody else. It’s why nobody can be like her, and why no one can be like you to her.

A wonderful relationship is a miracle of life. You shouldn’t lose this relationship. Let your love over-ride your pride. That’s common sense. A relationship is not a place to prove a point. It’s not a platform for those kinds of rights. At the end of the day, you’ll prove your point but have no relationship left. Then what have you? The reason is because point-proving is actually wilfulness and relationships can’t endure wilfulness. Preserve the wonderful relationship you have. If you lose that wonderful relationship, you may be full of regret for the rest of your days on earth. And in heaven! Yes, she will have regrets too. But your pain will be peculiar to you, just as her pain will be peculiar to her. That’s how you become those stories about which people say, “How unfortunate!”

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Compromise in relationships

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