My dear Jil, this is what I’ve been trying to warn you about, and I wish you’d listened to me. In much the same way I tell Jack to understand women, you also have to understand men. It does make sense to try and understand the gender you’re going to marry. You need to know how men reason. It will make your relationship easier. You’d know what to do and what not to do, what to say and what not to say.
When a man is broke for instance, there’s a way he reacts to situations. You ought to know that. It’s the wrong time for example to be talking about “your things”. He’s going to feel it’s because you know he’s broke. I’d told you never to treat a man in a way that makes him feel you’re doing him a favour in a relationship. That’s dangerous. It always backfires, more so if it’s the other way round. Means it’s an attitudinal and not factual thing. That attitude assumes a man has no choice, that he cannot leave or walk out. And that’s a fallacy. You can’t be in a relationship and treat a man like he has no alternative, that he has no options. Even if seemingly true that’s not wise. Everything in life has an alternative. Even life itself!
There’s no relationship without an alternative. Not being in any relationship is an alternative to a relationship. You assume the alternative to your relationship is another woman. But womanlessness is also an alternative. The real alternative to not being in relationship with you is not being in relationship with you! When you treat a man so badly, the alternative to you is not necessarily another girl. It’s without you. And you can push a man so much you push him over the ledge. And this is one of those lessons you need to learn. Once you push a man over the ledge it’s hard for him to come back. He’d rather do without you. It’s important to know this about men. Don’t push a man to the point in which he makes a QUALITATIVE decision to leave you. Once he makes that qualitative decision, he’s gone! It means he has counted his losses and assimilated them. By the time he’s breaking with you he’s actually moved on. Don’t push your man over the ledge.
Note that I keep saying don’t push your man over the ledge, not over the edge. When you push a man over the edge he gets angry, but when you push him over the ledge he walks out. But why treat with disdain what is valuable to you? Shouldn’t you know when to stop? Why keep pushing the envelope? There’s no relationship a man can’t walk out of. It all depends on the price he’s willing to pay. But what if there’s no price! Or what if he’s already paid and over paid, such that another payment makes no difference. Some women overplay their card. They truly don’t know when to stop. They’re used to getting away with misbehaviour, which they imagine minor misdemeanours. Until the death of the relationship shows it’s a felony. They murder their relationship. The farther you push a man the less the price he has to pay walking out, relative to the price he pays staying. Once the price of walking out of a relationship is lower than that of staying, walking out becomes common sense. You’ve overplayed your card and now like Esau, you’re crying for what you lost. You treated your relationship as profane, didn’t value the guy, didn’t value the relationship. But the loss showed you the value of the relationship. And I hope you’ve learnt your lesson. This can hardly be recovered. Never force a man to call your bluff in a relationship. And if you’re going to bluff you better have substance. But let’s even forget about relationship.
What does it take to treat people with respect, to treat people nice! What does it take to value someone, treat people with dignity, as you’ll like to be treated! You imagine because you’re pretty he can’t walk out. But beauty is many times over-rated in a relationship. Many times in a relationship beauty is not enough. And anyway the guy gets used to it. Guys have been known to go for lesser beauty when there’s love and character. And no matter how beautiful you are, nature is already manufacturing your replacement. Don’t assume because you’re the local champion there’s no alternative to you. That’s a mistake. There’s no alternative to you as long as the guy doesn’t walk. There’s a plethora of alternatives outside your village. Never take a man for granted. And what you disdain as coal may actually be diamond to another person. It all depends on where she’s coming from. And when a woman discovers value in a man being ill-treated by another woman, she’s going to sink her teeth into him. She will treat the guy like a king, pamper him no end. It’s why it’s sometimes hard to get a good man back.
You tried to destroy his self-esteem, treated him like a beggar. Surely he’d rather stay with someone who treats him kingly. You’d do the same too. Unless you like emotional abuse. Treating a man with despite is emotional abuse. Seeking to destroy a man’s sense of worth with terrible words is emotional abuse. We talk so much about men emotionally abusing women we forget some women emotionally abuse men. Nagging is emotional abuse. Temperamental lashing is emotional abuse. Constant accusation is emotional abuse. I don’t know if you can get this guy back. It will honestly take a lot of prayers. He’s breathed an air of freedom. If you do get him back, the price will be too high for you. He will change the rules of engagement and exact a levy. I think you need to consider the possibility of not getting him back. The most important thing is to learn your lesson and not treat your next relationship this way. Don’t get used to getting away with bad behaviour. There are invisible prices you pay. Being self-centred in a relationship negates the very essence of a relationship. A relationship is “we”. If he’s moved on to another girl, especially a girl who thinks she’s found value, forget it. She’s sunk her teeth in. Don’t know what else to say. Sorry.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com