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Read Letter

Life’s Virtual Map

My dear Jack, there are two types of map in life – physical and virtual.
We’re pretty used to physical maps. They map physical interconnections – our streets, roads, alleys and our communities. But then there is the virtual map of life’s relationships and interconnections. No one sees it, yet it exists. Relationship virtual maps compress space and time. It’s why we say it’s a very small world. And you should worry about that phrase – “It’s a very small world.” It has positive and negative connotations. If you cast a stone in the marketplace, chances are the projectile will hit someone you’re familiar with. Armed with knowledge it’s a very small world, life teaches us to be careful what we say and whom we say it to.

You and your girlfriend have boxed yourselves into a corner disregarding this simple code of wisdom. Everyone that can help you, you have either abused or insulted, in so doing reviled life’s virtual connections. And now that you need help everyone is reluctant to rise up to help you. Everyone is avoiding you. Most seem to have concluded that helping an abusive couple with their wedding plan amounts to self-abuse. And I did warn you to be careful about being disrespectful of people but you refused to pay heed. You bought into the spirit of the age. It respects no boundaries, dishonours those old enough to be your dad or mum.

Turns out many of those you insulted are friends of your parents. They helped finance your education without your knowledge. The reason you don’t know this fact is because they are noble people. And they loved your parents. Now your parents are late they’re reluctant to step in to help you. They owe you nothing after all. You don’t deserve them. You owed them a debt of gratitude but you paid them back with gratuitous insult with added interest. One or two of those people you insulted can actually write off the entire cost of your wedding, but they won’t. Turns out you’ve insulted them too, so I don’t blame them for not helping you out.

Now you have to bear the cost of your wedding by yourself. Either that or you eat humble pie and go and beg. It’s either you scale down your wedding to the barest affordable, or you honourably apologise to these people. Nobility is admitting you’re wrong when you’re wrong, and taking steps to redress the situation. Lack of wisdom is persisting in a wrong trajectory after realization you’re going in the wrong direction. You will be respected more for admitting you’re wrong than trying to prove a point by not apologizing. You don’t justify bad behaviour in life. If you apologize for wrong behaviour and redress your error, there’s hope for you. If these people help you despite all the insults you hurled on them, they will be reinforcing bad character. I do hope you and your fiancé learn from this. She’s talented with insults too!

If you don’t learn from this experience the theatre of drama will soon shift inside your marriage. With no more “enemies” without it’s a matter of time before you and your wife turn on each other with gratuitous relish. And the insults you have practiced hurling on others will soon find target within your marriage. Then there are the economic consequences of severed or abused connections. Just as per your wedding, you would have cut off all the people that can help you in business through insults. Which will of course produce economic pressure on your marriage, and that’s when you’ll know you have a rude wife. I’m just saying if you don’t stop the habit of insulting people, the consequences will soon appear in your marriage. You’ve practiced rudeness and insults so much it becomes self-obligatory. You and your wife must turn on each other.

Insulting people is not the way to go about life. The people you should be most wary of insulting are those you don’t know. Insulting people is a betrayal of ignorance about the architecture of life. There are those who would otherwise be considered wonderful human beings but for their rudeness. Rudeness is never justified. We must learn in life to moderate our reaction to circumstances we face. Truth is, sometimes we’ll get what we want in life and other times, we won’t! But not having our way should not be cause or occasion for insults on others.

As it is, even your aunties and uncles are not immune from the insulting capacity of your bride. No self-respecting uncle or aunty will put himself or herself in the trajectory of verbal sputum. The reason you’re receiving minimal cooperation from your family is because they’re afraid of being insulted. Insulting others to have one’s way is nothing but immaturity. Go to your aunties and uncles and apologise. I do hope your fiancé will have the same disposition. Some will of course view your apology as self-serving, and that’s expected. But at least it’s a start. The consistency of your disposition towards humility in the next few months will determine whether they write you off or not. You can’t insult your way through life. You’ll only make your life harder. And no one will be willing to deploy energy to correct you. The emotional cost is rather high. What’s the gain?

Unfortunately, not being corrected gives a false feedback on the efficacy of rudeness as an instrument of life. Because you keep having your way, you assume insults and rudeness are the way to go. That’s like someone saying because no one opposes his stance, everyone agrees with him. Really?! Of course you know that’s a fallacy, a terrible interpretation of life data. That no one frontally engages you doesn’t mean everyone agrees with you. They may just not deem the exertion of confronting you a worthy outlay of their emotional energy. It’s the same with people who are wilful, who abhor correction. At some point everyone becomes resigned. It’s not worth it. The emotional cost of confronting incorrigibility is high. Once people perceive you as incorrigible, conventional wisdom dictates you should be left to your fate. That’s when you start experiencing invisible losses, which you’ll never realize unfortunately. You’ll develop a persecution complex, which then puts you on edge constantly. Incorrigibility does that to people. My simple advice: Do the honourable thing.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : extended family, wedding planning

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