My dear Jil, thank you for your last mail. It gave me more insight about your person. I know the scars from the past are still there and the past seems to have left an indelible memory. The scars have made you tentative, afraid, sad at times, unsure. They put a shroud of mourning on the beauty of your spirit. But you have a lovely spirit, such simplicity and grace. But who’d ever have known! You’ve cried so much in the past few days and no one will believe you’re even emotional. You said so yourself. Those scars have given you a hardy crust. The depth of your being is buried beneath that crust. The real you is down there somewhere, under that layer of fear, distrust and apprehension. Yet you can’t distrust all men because of what someone did to you in the past. That’s unfair even to you.
I know you’re afraid of once more exposing yourself to men, lest another man take advantage of you. But in trying to avoid pain you have barricaded yourself from joy also, like someone pre-empting a hurricane. You’ve got to let the loving trusting you come out. You’ve got to let the beautiful you manifest. When we’re happy, our face changes. We become radiant, joyful, soft, tender, and people are drawn to our spirit. You’ve got to be happy. It’s your right, your fundamental right. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for that!
I know there are some self-esteem issues involved, you complained about your figure as well, especially your stomach. But we tend to exaggerate things when we’re dissatisfied with things in our lives and we tend to concentrate on flaws. Men don’t do nitpicking, they relate to wholes. The particulars you’re complaining of may not even be seen. There is something called inner beauty – a beauty of the heart, without it outer beauty is degraded. You shouldn’t allow all these things to bother you and don’t let it create an extra layer of insecurity. What you should concentrate on is the woman IN you. Give that woman a chance once more. There are those things you listed as your attributes: the kindness, the simplicity – A good man will appreciate all that. Yes, the past might have been quite eventful – tinged with a lot of sadness, a lot of pain – But there’s the future. You must not extend the jurisdiction of the past over the future. Stop being tentative. Be yourself, express yourself. Express your creativity, your womanhood. Remain guileless; it’s called lack of agenda.
Don’t buy into exploitative philosophy because it will change your character. It’s important that a man feels safe with you. Please don’t become THAT other woman, now or ever. You’ve got to stop living in fear, and being so worried about people running commentary on your life. If you allow what people MIGHT say govern your life you’ll demobilize your spirit, put yourself in a cage. If you adopt fear as life’s operating system, your spirit will sink and your life will become nervous. The irony is that those whose speakings bother you are actually afraid of facing their own lives. You’re their distraction.
I’ll like you to be happy. I pray your past will heal, that God will erase the subcutaneous layers of scar tissue. I do hope you’ll begin to see your worth, and appreciate yourself. And I hope you can see what a loving God sees in you. You must gain your self-confidence back. You’ve got to take back your executive privileges. Happiness is one of them. If in the past few days you’ve got to discover so many beautiful things about yourself, imagine what else lay hidden. You buried yourself in layers of pain and fear, but it’s time to excavate you. You’ve got to let go of those insecurities, enjoy simple friendships. Be open to being loved, to being appreciated.
As to issues arising in a relationship in the future, again that’s your fear showing through – your fear of impermanence. Let the future take care of itself. Why make provision for unfounded possibilities. Why insist on paying insurance premium? As long as there’s sincerity in your relationship there’s nothing to fear. Go for a sincere heart. Let the inner you blossom. Don’t be afraid to live! Remember you had asked that gentleman what he finds compelling about you, and he said beautiful things. Believe beautiful things about you, and don’t make the gentleman feel guilty about wanting to love you. That’s not a crime. It’s a legitimate desire. We all battle with the past, but the best thing to do with the past is to let it remain in the past. There’s a reason the past is called the past. Let it bear its baptismal name. There’s a whole future ahead of you. You’re a young woman, even if experiences make you feel old.
And don’t compare yourself with other, we never know the truth about people’s situations, we just assume we know. The man or woman you assume is having a swell time of life may be going through fire. But in this game called life everyone holds a poker face, except the terribly broken. Society is one huge drama cast; it’s full of actors and actresses, pretenders and pretentious. Until someone opens up, you’ll never know what they’re going through. When people open up you’ll be shocked what you’ll hear. Everyone carries his or her cross to private Golgothas.
You went through depression. Those suicidal feelings you had, that was depression. When our spirit is low we can arrive at a moment where we feel nothing is worth it. But you’re coming out of it. Go out! Isolation can be dangerous to the soul. There’s a lot for you to celebrate in life. There’s your family, your nephews and nieces, your job, your talent… What usually happens is, when we feel we’re not making progress on something critical, our life feels stuck. But everything in life is subject to change. Including our circumstances. Life is in a state of flux. My prayer is simple: Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow, and where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. May you live in joy and peace. May the mountains burst into song, and the trees of the field clap their hands. I do wish you love, happiness, peace.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com