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Read Letter

Clash of Titans

My dear Jil, when heads clash in a relationship, the heart can’t mesh, and that’s the problem you’ve been having in your relationship. There’s stubborn willfulness on both sides, more especially yours. So even though both of you are individually wonderful, there is a clash of personalities and clash of wills. And now both of you have reached the point of stubborn insistence. At that stage it’s all about being right. So the whole thing makes no sense any more; your fights have become ideological. They’re not fact-based. Once he takes a position you automatically take the opposite position, and vice versa. It’s not that you examine the wisdom of his position, just the fact he took that position so you take the opposite position. You’re using situations to fight each other, to propagate a clash of wills, to prove a point to each other. You’re trying to prove he can’t subdue you and he’s trying to prove he’ll not concede leadership to you in your relationship. The relationship has become a proving ground in which there’s no yield. This is costing both of you enormous energy, putting you under strain and tension. Now, you both anticipate each other, watching out for next moves. Even making preparations. Before he pronounces the first letter your tongue has uttered a complete sentence. You anticipate what he’s going to say. You’re now like the predictive text technology on your phone. You already have possible answers.

A relationship can never work when there’s a clash of wills. Neither can a relationship work when there’s contention of viewpoints. It definitely won’t work when there’s behavioral dogmatism – being difficult as a character trait. The cost of this relationship is too high and in the unlikely event of it proceeding to marriage both of you will pay a price. There’ll be too much tension in the marriage, until the marriage loses all feeling from too much pain. You can’t keep up this fight, this constant emotional attrition and anticipatory tension. You can’t keep it up. Both of you are under enormous strain and you’re going to turn yourselves into frenemies. Unfortunately both of you are in love with the idea of wanting each other. But it can’t work simply because your wills keep clashing and your personalities are clashing. Someone’s going to break, someone’s going to get angry and bitter. It’s already diarized by time. And when the relationship does break, you’ll be bitter from the feeling you put in so much and nothing came out of it. Then you’re going to feel used because you didn’t end up marrying him, but honestly I don’t know how it can work. Unless you want those marriages in which husband and wife are constantly putting each other down in front of third parties. Once he puts you down once you’re going to be aggrieved and spoiling for an opportunity to assert yourself, or pay him back. And then you’re going to be spatting in public – a rather embarrassing progression of the domestic situation. Painful to watch. You will find yourself contesting everything he says, and he’ll look for opportunities to put you down. You’ll be irritating him. The irritation soon becomes emotional viciousness. Issues discussed in private are now public contrary to tacit agreement.

Wisdom needs to prevail in this relationship, rather than the irritable insistence on being right. You don’t take a position against your other half in public. You’ll force a negative public reaction. If your boyfriend is humiliated in public he’ll resort to either of three positions:
a) He may retaliate right there in public, putting you down since you won’t heed what he warned you about in private.
b) He may choose to be silent in public, but it’ll be uncomfortable and embarrassing silence, and everyone knows.
c) He licks his wound in private having been humiliated publicly. But he makes silent resolutions.
Either of these decisions will be determined by his temperament. And if he’s the quiet type you need to fear his silence under such circumstances. He might actually have made the decision to just leave the relationship, and he wont give you a word of explanation. Never push a man too far. (The man shouldn’t push his wife too far too, I’d say.) Don’t bring a man to the point of defending his ego in public. Men tend to be hard in such circumstances, some nasty. A man should not make the mistake of over-extending a woman’s emotional elasticity. There’s only so much she can take. Emotion is unreasoning. It’s why it’s dangerous. And the hurt occasioned by the break-up of a relationship can last for years. It can fester into a wound, the scab of which is being peeled every time there’s remembrance.

In my opinion both of you need to sit down and determine whether this relationship should even go further. For you as a woman though, the fact that you’ve invested so much will make a decision to walk away tougher. Both of you have been together for ever. But if a relationship is emotionally obdurate shouldn’t you have a rethink? Isn’t it better to recognize this thing will not work, break it off rather than become divorcees barely months into marriage? What won’t work is always obvious before walking down the altar. A marriage is meant to be peaceful and full of joy. It’s meant to be supportive and happy. It’s not the joining together that’s the marriage; it’s the quality of happiness. Why go into a marriage that will be full of tension? Neither of you has emotional capacity to survive such. A home can’t be full of silent tension. It’s an invisible killer. But of course I know you won’t listen to what I’m saying though you know it’s the truth. Your stubborn nature insists so. I however hope for a miracle. I don’t want you bitter, broken by your partner.

[Sigh and deep breath exhalation]

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Conflict

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