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Read Letter

Run For Your Life!

My dear Jil, if you lose your life to this marriage you will have yourself to blame. Truth is not always politically correct. Neither is wisdom. If I were you I’ll repudiate the advice of those religious folk who insist you should stay in this violent marriage and pray. These people are legalists who do not believe in divorce under any circumstance. Until THEIR child is in danger. Then you’ll see them find a loophole in their doctrinal ideology through which they pull their daughter out of danger.They cannot abide by their own legalism once their ward is involved. You’re in a very dangerous marriage. You married an abusive man. Get OUT before you lose your life! Don’t make yourself a religious experiment of the efficacy of prayers to change a violent husband. Once a man has crossed the line of violence once, he’s susceptible to crossing it over and over again. I don’t care if he’s “jazzed” or under the influence of a witch or voodoo. Those are academic questions. Safety first, then theological disputations and interpretations later.

Of what value is your marital theological correctness if you lose your life? You’ll be analysing doctrine in heaven! This man doused you with petrol and was desperately looking for a lighter to set you on fire and you’re talking theology. You escaped death by whiskers and some people are telling you to stay and pray. Would they make THEIR own child stay? Prayer can change anything I agree. But you’re not the Redeemer. And anyway you can pray from safety. Get out of this horrible marriage. You may not be lucky with that petrol a second time around. It might be in the night. And if your pastor thinks it’s rebellion for you to refuse to stay in a violently abusive marriage despite his order, so be it. And to think you were pregnant! You had to jump an entire floor through the balcony just to escape. You cheated death twice! Your blood be on the head of those who admonish you to stay in such a horrible marriage if you lose your life. There are too many cases of women losing their lives to violent husbands. Do you want to be the next statistic?

Yes, you have no job and you don’t know how you’ll survive economically if you leave but you’ll figure all that out later. And it follows a pattern. First the man tells you to resign from your good job so you ostensibly take care of the kids. Then he promises to take care of all your needs. And it feels the man loves you so much you don’t need to work. But if he’s so liquid, why doesn’t he hire you a nanny so you can take care of the kids and remain employed? When he’s made you totally dependent on him then he begins to deny you means. You now have to beg for every penny. You’re at his mercy. The pattern is common. And I’m surprised your family hasn’t stepped into this situation. You mean they’ll just keep spectating until they lose their daughter! Someone should come and remove you. The sentence of death by hanging can’t compensate for the loss of your life if this man kills you. And that same child you’re so worried about preventing you from leaving? Well, you’re going to leave him behind in death. There are some things nobody needs to tell you before you move out of a marriage. If your husband is sleeping with a knife under his pillow as a defence measure against you, should you stay?! What if he has a nightmare one day or has a dream in which he thinks he’s slicing bread but it’s your throat!

The thing about abuse is that the physical abuse is nothing compared to the psychological degradation. Even if you survive the physical abuse, trauma and fear would have been imprinted into your psyche. If the very thought of your husband sends you into panic attack something is terribly wrong in your marriage. And how do people insist on using scriptures to compel a woman to stay in an abusive marriage?! The man himself has repudiated the duty of care specified in the holy writ. How can he then claim a right under same? I can’t imagine Jesus asking a woman to stay in a life threatening marriage in the name of legalism. And a lot of what people do is misinterpret scriptures and take it out of context to suit their ideology. In a sane society, you would have gotten a restraining order against this man. He should not come near your 3km radius. Go back to your father’s house, or to the house of an uncle or any relative. Just run for your life. The notion of violence in marriage contradicts the very concept of marriage. How can a marriage threaten a life? If you don’t want to be a newspaper headline, run before this man kills you. There’s something so final about death that makes us impotent. With the finality of death all revisions of history are rendered mute. Just wishful thinking. When the deed is done and you’ve lost your life, those same folks who insist you stay will conduct your funeral. When this man has killed you your son will end up an orphan. The state will kill him too. Then what happens to the child? If you want him to have any chance at parentage run from this violent man.

You have to take responsibility for your life. Stop hoping for instruction from folks to leave the marriage. You’re the one going through the battering. None of those religious advisers are. Your situation is academic to them. And how is it that a single young man who knows nothing about life or marriage is pontificating on wrongness of divorce? These contemnors of yours know nothing about marital trauma yet they’re authorities on marriage and divorce. How does marriage become bondage? How can marriage be life imprisonment? How can marriage be a death row or mental asylum?! Marriage is meant to be loving and supportive. Marriage is meant to be full of kindness and consideration. The very notion of marriage as a horror chamber is something you must vehemently reject. But like I said it’s your life. But my conscience is clear. Leave this violent and unstable man. The economy is bad right now and soon someone’s going to tell him you’re the witch affecting his business. Let your memory serve you well. Remember the women who lost their lives to violent marriages. Run from an abusive marriage.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Divorce, abuse

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