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Dear Jack, I do hope you don’t mind the truth, ‘cause I’m going to say some very hard truth in this letter. Think of a fluffy whiff of cloud hanging between heaven and earth. That’s how your life is right now. You’re just hung there, not moving forward or backward – Just an eccentric piece of the mechanical vagaries nature. There’s a form to your marriage, just like the cloud. Yet the marriage has no form. It’s wispy vapour. The situation in your marriage is that you’re married but not married. Your life is spiralling out of control because your wife is malfunctioning, making a mess of your life. She’s moved out of the matrimonial home and journeyed abroad for no discernible reason. And so you’re making the commute from here to there like Johnny Walker, trying your best to keep your marriage together. She has you by the jugular. Your children have become human shields and bargaining chips. You’re just going through motions, like a somnambulist as she inflicts maximum damage on your psyche. Even the cost of flying up and down is eating giant holes in your pocket. Every cent you earn goes towards her upkeep, and that of the children. And she comes first.

She’s literally living at your expense not being economically engaged. The sex of course ceased a long time ago. So did the cooking and other likes. You’ve been eating out a long time. And when you do visit her it’s the same routine of denial of conjugal rights. It’s like you’ve done something bad to this lady that the fingers can’t locate. No one can put a hand to it. You can see she despises you. And for reasons unfathomable. Your blood pressure has become erratic, like the temperament of an African despot. Idi Amin readily comes to mind. And so here you are married but not married. It’s a state of being and unbecoming, both co-existent in you.

I do feel sorry for you actually. If you know what’s still coming your way you’ll feel sorrier for yourself. You can’t solve this marriage problem. Short of a miracle your marriage is gone. Someone has to tell you the truth. If you don’t know how to believe God for a miracle I’ll advise then you avert your mind to the inevitability of divorce. Religious legalists may not like what I just said; but they don’t know your reality, can’t appreciate it. You’re stuck! You can’t move forward or backward. Your punisher is holding the whip of torment. It gives her sadomasochistic pleasuring. She’s enjoying seeing you suffer in this saga of marital vindictive purposelessness. She knows your religious inclination is holding you bound. Determined you can’t go anywhere. Which is ironic because she disdains the provisions of that same Bible yet holds you to its matrimonial standard. That’s like someone asking for a judicial relief from a court whose jurisdiction is rejected. If you don’t recognise the jurisdiction of a court of law, how can you approach the same court for relief. It is trite law you can’t do that. Yet your wife is pulling the matrimonial equivalence of the judicial impossible.

It’s going to get worse, let me warn you in advance. She’s going to keep exacting a toll on you, extorting money. She’s going to punish you like you can’t imagine. Your health is going on serious sabbatical soon. Your high blood pressure is a mild state compared to what’s coming. You’re going to go into depression trying to figure out what’s even going on. I’m laying it to you straight. She’s going to extract money from you in anticipation of a plan so nebulous even your wispy life can’t compare. The only plan there is, is your punishment. She doesn’t want out of the marriage, she just wants to punish you. Why is she punishing you? It’s a very complex analysis, some factors going back to her childhood. If you check she probably has some very long-standing issues with her father or mother, or even both. She’s bitter at them for some reason, resents them. And it’s been going on for years.

Unfortunately for you you’re the similitude of everything they ought to stand for, so you get punished on their behalf. I’m trying to make sense of what you’re going through to you so you don’t end up in a psychiatry ward. Unfortunately for you she’s also envious of your success. It’s a present continuous ordeal you’re in. I know it doesn’t make sense but a spouse can be envious of a spouse. The more money you give her the more you stoke the embers of hatred, envy and malice. She hates you for being able to give her those sums of money. But she’ll keep collecting the money. The picture that comes to mind is that of an aunty who collects a gift from you to pay the juju priest to harm you. In other words the kinder you are to her and the more responsible you are the more she’ll hate you. You see, you’re denying her justification to hate you. And so she’ll hate you more. It can’t make sense. It’s why you’re wondering why this whole thing doesn’t make sense. You’re not slacking in responsibility despite everything! At some point you’ll have to take some hard decisions. It’s a matter of time before you’re faced with the choice of living or leaving.

If you don’t know how to believe God for a miracle then the time is close. It’s been some years now, not so. You can’t solve a human. Only God can. As long as the marriage problem you have is the human and not an issue, you can’t solve it. That divorce is coming. It’s a matter of time. When your mental health is at stake you’ll be forced to take a decision. Truth is, there are relationships that are not worth holding on to. Some relationships are too expensive. You know a relationship is too expensive when holding on to it, it damages your health and threatens your life. While you still have your sanity, sit down and do critical thinking about your marriage. If you lose your life trying to hold on to this marriage, you’ll have yourself to blame in the thereafter.

To continue or not to continue is not the question. The question is when do you discontinue. I know you know I’m noted for encouraging marriages. But sometimes the opposite has got to be told as well. May we be wise to distinguish.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : bad marriage

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