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Read Letter

Redemptive Love

Dear Jack, sometimes we land into trouble about marriage by not intellectually discerning nuances of definition. Last time we spoke I told you the difference between falling in love and the workability of a relationship. They are two different things. A lady can for example fall in love with a wife abuser. But will the marriage work? By the way, violence is a no no in a relationship. Once the line of violence is crossed a perfidious and wanton license of abuse has been printed. The chance that such a man will resort to beating the woman every time he’s frustrated is highly likely. Women have been known to get caught up in the emotional trap of, “But I love him,” even when the relationship is deleterious. And men have been known to get entrapped with sex and “But I’m crazy about her,” even when the relationship is detrimental. Men do that sometimes. A guy can get besotted with beauty knowing fully well the woman doesn’t love him. Such a relationship can’t work despite the guy’s love. And it’s going to bring pain. So love and workability of a relationship are two different propositions.

But there’s another type of distinction you need to learn when it comes to relationship. I’m showing you all these distinctions so you have clarity of mind and not get muddled up upstairs. There’s a difference between redemptive love and matrimonial common sense. Redemptive love talks about wanting to save someone by marrying the person. Yet salvation is beyond the purview of man. You don’t marry out of pity. You don’t have to marry someone to help the person. The help and marriage have no linkage. Last time I checked only Jesus made a direct claim about salvation. When did you become assistant Saviour? If you love a drug addict for example and wish her restored that’s redemptive love. But it’s not a basis for marriage. There’s no correlation between salvation and marriage. The two are not conjugated. (Pun fully intended). Seeking to use your life to save someone through matrimony is actually an absurdity. Ask those who have tried it. You can always render help outside the context of matrimony. You don’t marry to salvage someone.

The reality is that if you date a drug addict for instance that marriage is going to be hell! And that’s why this lady you spoke about can’t save. The money disappears on drugs. Addiction is neural. It’s also why she’s incoherent at times. Or has that glazed expression. She’s on drugs. But your naivety is playing out because you’re mistaking redemptive love for matrimonial love. Redemptive desire is why you want to go into marriage with her. It won’t work. You’ll suffer emotional inadequacy. It’s the same thing with a lady trying to marry an unserious fellow. She’ll suffer needs, psychological and emotional. Some people think they can turn lives around through matrimony. So they pursue matrimonial hopelessness. It’s always a delusion to imagine you can save anyone. You’re not God. And I’d advice a drug addict be cleaned up and foresworn of drugs before any consideration of marriage. You can’t marry a drug addict. The system can’t cope with the responsibilities of marriage. You’ll suffer much marrying an addict. And the family will be impaired economically. Drugs wreck life. Drugs wreck marriages. It’s the same problem marrying an alcoholic. He’ll bring disgrace to the family. And there’s the danger of violence. An alcoholic can be uncontrollably violent. He’s under influence. What a young man or woman with substance abuse problem needs is rehab not marriage proposition. Can barely function. Without a desire to be clean you’re most likely wasting your time with a drug addict or alcoholic. Same thing with a gambler. Especially when it becomes an obsession. The addicted gambler will gamble the family car away, and the family house. Some even pledge their children. He’ll borrow inordinately to feed his gambling habit. The family purse becomes a basket. All these are repugnant to normalcy and stability in marriage. There’ll be no sturdiness in the marriage.

The addict prioritizes satisfying the addiction. Everything else is secondary. It’s unconscionable for a recovering addict not to disclose his or her condition to a matrimonial candidate. It’s marrying under pretence, and those with conscience ought to disclose the addiction to the man or woman. And if you do discover she’s an addict just before saying I do you better don’t! Don’t attempt to pay a price you can’t afford in marriage. Don’t go into a detrimental union. Solomon says wisdom walks on the street. In other words, wisdom is commonly accessible. The tuition materials are all over. There are lessons we can learn in life by observing the mistakes of others. Better to learn by tuition than to learn by experience. You may not survive the experience. Don’t go into marriage with someone who has no regards for the economics of marriage. What usually happens in such situations is that one partner is responsible and the other behaves irresponsibly. And you need to consider your children in these kinds of cases. What kind of model of a mother will your daughter have? And what is the impact of the addiction going to be on your son? You ought to consider. At the end of the day the marriage will still break up. It was badly fractured before the wedding. Someone papered over it.

The sad thing about a bad marriage is the waste of life involved. Most bad marriages are preventable. Don’t marry out of pity. It’s a matter of time before you become the pity. You can’t redeem a life. You’re taking on what is beyond you and life will soon show you. Even if you join the Salvation Army don’t marry to save.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : addiction, hero

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