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Read Letter

You Deserve Better

My dear Jil, come on, you deserve better than this guy, and you know it! You’re dating him because you’ve put yourself in desperate straits – feeling or believing you can’t get any better. And this apart from the embarrassing fact that this guy tried to date two of your friends who turned him down for good reason. You feel you can’t get any better based on an aberrant philosophy.

You’ve come to believe that a bird lacking in filigree close at hand is better than pedigreed possibilities in the bush. It’s the only way we can rationalize your dating this guy. You’re now thirty-two, and that accounts for your desperation. Anything you reckon is better than nothing. Yet the matrimonial case studies of life discountenance that wisdom. At his age he should have done better. He should be doing better. You even paid half his rent. Wasn’t a loan. You desperately believe in a non-existent matrimonial vision. Your desperation has conjured a mirage. If you’re subsidizing his rent now you can be sure you’ll assume full responsibility in marriage. You’re going to keep subsiding his life, perpetuating the notion of a kept man, training him to be un-responsible. In so doing you lose any legitimate right to complain if he doesn’t pull his weight in marriage. How do you expect him to contribute in marriage when he never contributed in the courtship! This guy couldn’t even buy a wretched birthday card on your birthday. And not that he didn’t have a good job. Even if! Yet on his birthday you went out of your way to make it special, even cooked. What kind of equation is this relationship?

You’re dating a guy who’s not only not up to par, he’s selfish and self-centred to boot. That bizarre romantic illusion you have of a kept man will soon be damaged by the dynamics of realism. You’re going to get tired in marriage carrying all the load of responsibility. It will weigh on your soul. You’re dating a man who’s not willing to apply himself yet has huge expectations of his girlfriend. So what exactly is this guy going to contribute in marriage? Just sex? You’ll soon discover the sex will not amount to much when he begins to fail in his responsibilities as a man. And when he begins to take obvious advantage of your credulity you’ll grow emotionally tired. You’re going to have sex with whomever you marry, so why is his virility a special item of matrimonial contribution? I advice you rethink marriage to this man. You can see a train wreck coming but you’re adamantine. And that’s because you feel sorry for yourself. All your mates are married with children. So you’re desperate, which is why you can date a guy clearly below the plum line. This fellow is not serious and you know it. But I can only analyse things for you, no one can compel you to salvage your life. My observation of life is that when a woman is in your mode objections to her determination only make her double down.

Even your parents are objective enough to repudiate this relationship. And they should be desperate. The irony is that the guy can’t even mention you to his family. You’ve been pressing him for months now. And so the marriage you desperately want is not even in view as far as he’s concerned. And why would marriage be in view? He has all the benefits of marriage without any responsibility. He’s sleeping with you, taking your money, makes no contribution, has no obligations… He’s in irresponsibility heaven! He’s found the perfect woman for him. The woman who’ll take care of his needs without reciprocal demands. You know this relationship is a life disaster in the making yet you stubbornly plunge ahead. Your thinking is, if all of you are demanding I drop him where’s your supply of a replacement? Marriage is not something you toy with. It’s potent and deterministic because it uses your life. You just want to be Mrs., erase “social shame.” And you’ve worked yourself into a tizzy upstairs in the desperation. You’ve decided to condition yourself to accept any and every deficiency in this guy, to be absorbent by suspending wisdom. You know he’s terrible husband material but you’ll plunge on nonetheless. Your determination is a mixture of self-pity, wilfulness, desperation and deafness. You’ve cornered yourself by your obstinacy. It’s a destructive self-reinforcement. To drop him is to agree your mum was right all along and you were wrong. And that’s too much for you because of the obtuse relationship you have with your mum. But are you trying to prove a point to your mum or are you trying to escape ruination, to have a happy future? How can you punish your mum by going into a bad marriage?! Who’ll suffer? One day your mum will pass on. And then you’ll be left with the wreck you made of your life through obstinacy. By that time you’ll be emotionally drained, look old and tired. You won’t have the strength to go on. And you’ll be saddled with offspring.

Do you see this guy paying school fees for the kids? Do you even see him paying the house rent? Or contributing to it? Or making it a priority? It’s foolishness that makes a man imagine he can cajole a train charging down the track into obeisance. You’ve got a life wreck coming. You have pain in the horizon, emptiness, disappointment… This guy is not worth it. You don’t need to prove any point. Don’t ruin the rest of your life through pride and foolishness. The initial euphoria from the wedding soon dies down. Then the marriage begins. With this guy you’ll slave all your life. And you’ll end up bitter. That’s if he doesn’t cheat on you. If a guy can’t appreciate you during the hot period of courtship how is going to appreciate you in the familiarism of marriage? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t date an inappropriate man out of desperation. Stop digging yourself further in. Get out of this relationship. When you do you’ll feel a weight lift off you. Be patient. The right guy will come. If you’re obstinate on a bad choice your life invoice is going to get much longer. I’ve said my piece.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Choosing a partner, irresponsible man

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