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Read Letter

It’s Your Decision

My dear Jack, I don’t see any specific charge against this lady. Just a generic ban on her nationality. You’re the one who knows her, your family knows nothing about her. They’ve never even met her! Yet they’ve judged her as unfit for you to wife, just for belonging to another nationality. That often happens. We can be very uncomfortable with people who don’t belong to our group. We judge them harshly. The spirit of Babel lives on in us. We’d rather band with our own and marry our own. Any marital deviation from the us-versus-them spirit of Babel tends to provoke an emotional offensive.

Some people are so uncomfortable with people they consider “other.” It doesn’t matter the qualities of the individual, she must be punished for originating from another provincial subset. It’s a dangerous way to go about life, and it’s not even the usual stuff about her nationality having certain tendencies. This is just a case of she belongs to another nationality; we don’t want her for you, period. And that has to be troubling because the argument also works in reverse. Her family can also say they don’t want you because of your nationality. What your family is exhibiting is some form of xenophobia that hasn’t grown to maturation. Look at what Prince Harry and Megan Markle are going through. No one wants to mention the “R” word. Tennis star Boom Boom Becker went through similar stuff. We have cultural malaise. I pray Megan survives the experience. The Prince has had to take extraordinary steps to express his outrage. In the case of Boom Boom I think they succeeded in breaking his marriage. That’s how terrible these things can be.
If you’re going to keep this relationship then you’ve got to be ready to go against your family. You know the facts, you know what you’re getting, you know your girlfriend. They don’t know her. All they know is prejudice. If she’s as wonderful as you say and you let them break up your relationship, you stand to lose a lot. And you don’t want to arrive at a point in your future wishing you had married her instead. Usually when families do this they have an agendum. Seems your mum and sister have a consensus candidate. There’s always a driver. And your mum is clearly in the driving seat. She’s sold her views to others. She rejects your girlfriend because she’s a cultural unfamiliarity for her. Many times these things are about administrative protocol, the desire to control your marriage. If you marry from your tribe or country, the psychological groundwork for control is always laid. There’s tradition. The girl from your tribe will defer to her because tradition demands it. Both sides know the rules. Expectations are defined. But your new girlfriend is outside that control architecture. She’s outside the framework of your culture and tradition. And so your mum can’t easily control her. And your girlfriend can’t understand her body language, the nuances. And it’s not about you, it’s about them. Yet you can’t marry for them, you marry for you.
Now, if they have specific allegations against your girlfriend you must objectively interrogate. That way you come to your own judgment instead of relying on the opinion, prejudices and biases of others. But the motivation of your family is suspect. And they don’t seem to care about you, it’s about them. It’s even possible they’ve been “bribed” with gifts by another candidate. Someone is lobbying with gifts. Of course they won’t disclose this to you. You’ll just see them pointing you in a particular direction. You’ve got to be careful about the selfish agenda of people advising you on a marriage choice. Who you marry has to be your choice because of the principle of moral responsibility. If the marriage turns out well, great advantage to you. But and if it turns out awful…well, you made the choice! But if you abdicate responsibility and go along with their prejudices and you lose a good thing, you’ll be full of regrets. Some people went that way and ended up with regrets. They listened to prejudicial advice.
There’s something about marrying your heart conviction and not people’s prejudice. No one can really know you except you. Only you can know you. Nobody has an idea of your ideas about your home and marriage. Nobody knows what’s important to you. What we really want in marriage cannot be expressed in words. It can only be expressed in pulses of the heart. The right counterparty will pick up those pulses by Bluetooth. Then comes the connection. But if you go by the mechanical approach your mum is recommending, you’ll miss it. It’s a mechanical approach because it’s based on everything but spousal qualities.
You have to intellectually distinguish what your mum wants and what you need. Your mum is looking for tribal rep in your marriage; you are looking for a wife. Opposed goals. A wife will live in your home but your mum’s tribal rep belongs to the town hall. Your mum is using a wrong definition for wife. That’s because she’s thinking political exploration of your marriage. You’re thinking your life, your mum is thinking of her own PR – how she’ll look good among her friends. She’s looking to boast about picking a “good girl” for you irrespective of your want. Mummy knows best. She’s willful. It’s about what she wants. Which is why she took an indefensible posture. Willfulness is about control, wanting to be in charge, even over things beyond our jurisdiction or capacity.
If you’re convinced this lady will make you a great wife, you better fight for what is good for you. Your mum will be long gone by the time your regrets are in full bloom over losing this lady.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder |
Tags : Choice, Tradition

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