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Read Letter

Stand Down!

My dear Jack, invariably everything slips into the past, everything becomes “has been”. The arrow of nature is disintegration.

The fate of nature is entropy. Relationships are subject to the law of entropy. It’s why they need constant renewal. It’s kind of like gravity. Everything on earth is subject to falling down. It takes effort to maintain lift. That’s what planes do. They apply the law of lift to overcome gravity. But that requires energy. You’ve got to apply the principle to your relationship. If you want to maintain it you’ve got to put in effort.
The primary energy for maintenance of relationship is emotional energy. If you’re emotionally distant or emotionally aloof you’ll kill your relationship. You’ll frustrate the other party. Without emotional energy input a relationship will lack bonding. It’s why couples need to engage and discuss with each other. It’s emotional bonding. It’s why couples need to share experiences, including pains and fears. It’s emotional bonding. It’s why you don’t keep things to yourself. You deny the relationship a basis for emotional bonding. But of course we men are macho. Only much of what we call macho stuff is unshared load of the world. Yet two carriers are better than one. The troubles of this world become easier to carry when there are two people. It’s why you share those troubles with your spouse. You need help. Those weights are too heavy for the soul. Life has ups and downs. You have to accept that as reality. It’s the driving analogy thing. There are sane and insane men on the highway. We hope daily for the best. Even if you obey all the traffic rules, there’s still that possibility someone will come looking for your trouble. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil is a powerful prayer. There is temptation and then there’s evil. Temptation requires a question mark but evil is exclamation. Some people are just evil. And you’ll come across them sooner than later. It’s a life induction. And so given the nature of the human heart, the propensity for evil, a binary equation is best suited to life’s assaults. That’s the advantage of marriage. And you ought to utilize it.
If you’re emotionally distant or emotionally aloof you’ll kill your relationship. Click To Tweet
You can’t have war without and war within. You won’t survive. Means there’s no refuge anywhere for you. There will be wars without. There will be people who just don’t like you or won’t like you. For whatever reason. That’s the nature of life. It’s tough but you have to accept it. Humans are a fallen breed. Life is a zoo. You won’t always have commitment from the outside. And people can flip. There’s a reason Judas is a potent noun. You have to accept all those realities about life. If you don’t you’re going to get a rude shock. Now, if you have war without and you have war within, it’s going to tell on your soul. You’re going to feel battered, and you may slip into depression. You’re surrounded by tension.
It’s even worse when the cause of the war within is marital anomaly. Ordinarily, couples shouldn’t envy each other. That’s an anomaly. Ordinarily, couples shouldn’t fight each other. It’s an anomaly though we accept it without questioning. A house divided against itself will not stand. There’ll be an implosion. The marriage will collapse under its own weight. It’s why you NEED peace in marriage. Peace in a marriage is not the absence of fights; it’s the presence of agreeability. There are terrible marriages in which there are no fights. The couples don’t like each other but there are no fights. It’s the agreeability of heart that matters in marriage, the desire to be one, to love. That’s where peace comes from. Without that desire for peace there can be no peace. You can’t achieve what you don’t desire in marriage.
Sometimes, what makes words harsh in marriage is the tone, not the words themselves. It’s like texting. If you say hard stuff but add a smiley emoticon the sense changes. Same thing in marriage. We need to learn how to minimize the effect of words by using the right tone. Tone matters in marital communication. A commanding tone can’t yield voluntary agreeability. Trying to force someone to do something in marriage is counterproductive. Goes against the grain of definition of marriage. It’s always better when love is volunteered. Love ought to be given. It’s a supply equation. But when love becomes a retaliatory instrument – something weaponised, it’s no longer love. When affection is measured out in tablespoonfuls like a cough syrup administered to a child, something is wrong. Affection should not be withheld in marriage. When it is, insincerity is introduced, control is introduced. When couples begin to punish each other in marriage that’s no longer marriage, it’s medieval gaol.
Sometimes, all it takes is just understanding. And accepting each other’s peculiarities. The idea you’re the standard in your marriage is in itself a contradiction in terms. You can’t be grade, law and judge. Humility is required in marriage. Without it the fight will be over egos, not substance. And don’t let issues accumulate in your marriage. It will become calcified with plaque. You can’t have a vengeful and retaliatory spirit either. It’s emotionally unhealthy to your marriage and you. I’m just saying both of you have to work on the communication stuff. Mind what you say to each other, mind the tone you speak to each other. The tone of marital communication ought to be care, love and affection. Love makes a whole lot of difference. Someone ought to show humility. But not with a view to justification in a future testimonial. I know you guys love each other. I’m just saying stand down your weapons. Sheath the swords. I hope you can sit down like mature adults and resolve the issues. Unless of course you’re not mature.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder |
Tags : Emotions, Marriage, Words

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