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Dear Jack, do you know what homunculus means? It means little man. When you’re petty and you nag no end, you’re designating yourself homunculus – a little man. (As is the man who inflicts violence on a woman. He’s also homunculus – little man). If you don’t want to marry this lady, simply say so rather than dragging issues pettily. It seems you’re looking for an excuse to dump her, looking for something rational. And that’s because the real reason cannot be vocalized. Truth is, you haven’t forgiven her for what happened three years ago.

Now, it’s your right to break from a relationship in which your partner cheats on you. No one can deny you that right but you can’t decide to stay in the relationship and keep making reference to the issue every time you have a disagreement. That’s petty and it means you haven’t forgiven her, so you can’t move on. It’s why you keep beating her with it. If you can’t handle it opt out of the relationship. But you can’t keep haunting her with it. Why marry someone reluctantly? That’s not a recipe of conviction and marriage should be based on conviction. You must have base conviction if you want to marry someone. You can’t get into the marriage and begin to give yourself multiple choice question tests on possible alternatives. Every fact after the wedding ought to be corroborative evidence of the right choice you made. You want a situation where every time you look at your wife you hold a thanksgiving service in your heart. You want to boast to yourself that the woman is just the right person for you, you don’t ever want to do without her. It’s like she’s so gifted in the subject of you. That you flow on the same emotional wavelength. She’ll be like someone who knows you, intimately and intuitively – knows what you need. And those “troubles” of hers are just what you need, just because there’s so much positivism and life about her. Her desires for affirmation should only make the relationship heavenly. And you want her happy, because the happier she is, the happy you are.

When a couple is happy they “have” each other, there’s positive energy, joy. Such tend to just want to be with each other, can’t imagine life without each other. Their relationship is in a state of is. Things just are. A happy relationship is in a state of is. There’s no other option contemplatable. No possibility of the possibility of another option. There’s an inner satiation of soul. She means a lot to you, you mean a lot to her. Inside you, you know this is for life. You just know. And so you live in the moment always. When you’re in a good marriage moments become eternity. In a good marriage, the qualities she has would seem customized for you. And you know no one can ever be like her. That’s because of her unique combination of attributes, not just one thing. The heart is key. Her heart is just right for you. It’s the quality of that heart that brings you profound joy. It’s the quality of that heart that gives you stability, makes your heart produce those tiny bubbles of joy. You’ll naturally consult on everything together. You want her to know because she’s your soul mate. Nothing gives her more joy than being with you, and nothing gives you more joy than having her.

When you’re in a good marriage moments become eternity. Click To Tweet

You don’t want to go into a marriage wondering if you could have married another person. Neither do you want to go into a marriage wondering if you SHOULD have married someone else. That’s a terrible state of ambivalence and you won’t commit your being in that sort of marriage. You’ll leave a pocket of emotional gap between you and your spouse, such that your heart only makes peripheral contact. You won’t be all feet in in such a relationship. There’ll be no full commitment. You’ll be making room for any eventuality, which will eventually come if you keep making room for it.

In the same vein, you don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t see you as first choice. You want that level of commitment. But you’ve put yourself in a state in which things seem imposed upon you. It’s like if you have your way you’d rather go for another woman but you’re stuck with this one! And so you’re punishing her at every opportunity. The trajectory of such relationship is poor. If you can’t wholeheartedly commit to her, let her go. Stop punishing her. And don’t break with her, then turn around and say you want her to be your best friend! How’s it going to work? If she had no feelings for you maybe. And you’re only going to complicate things when either of you begins to date again. You can’t eat your cake and have it. All you can have after eating your cake is messy unpalatable stuff. If you want to forgive her, forgive her. If you don’t want to forgive her, let her go. We all have different emotional compositions. Some can handle stuff better than others. If you’re already punishing her and you’re not yet married, imagine what marriage will be like! It’s going to be hell. So make up your mind if she’s the one you want or not. But don’t hang the past over her like some sword of Damocles.

You don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t see you as first choice. Click To Tweet

What do you really want in marriage? You’ve got to be clear, or at least have an idea. If you don’t resolve these issues now you’re going to become paranoid in the future. You’re going to punish her for “seeminglies” – anything that seems to point towards the possibility of an affair. Every smile she seemingly gives another man will attract your suspicion no matter how improbable that suspicion is. And you’ll blame her for any misfortune. The misfortune will generate anger towards her. Make up your mind what you want: her, or another. But you’re hanging on to her because you’re not sure of another. And that’s a wrong basis for marriage if you ask me. Have your conviction.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Choosing a partner

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