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Read Letter

Compulsive Dating

Dear Jack, I think you should avoid the temptation of compulsive dating. I understand the loneliness thing. It’s nice to have someone you can call your own, someone you can go out with. There’s just that thing about showing up at a social event with a partner.

That I understand. There’s that preliminary pleasantry, everyone making introductions and you getting to say, This is my girlfriend, Jil. If she’s a very pretty woman you’ll get everyone’s attention. Every male eye will turn, or pretend not to turn. A wise man will not express admiration for another woman’s beauty in the presence of his woman. Neither will a wise man compliment another lady with his woman in tow. If you want to know the result, try it! It doesn’t matter if it’s an innocent compliment. Unless you want to know how the apple feels like in a deep freezer. All I’m trying to say is, that male loneliness thing makes us want to be with someone compulsively. Even when we know the person is not the right woman for us, we tend to just want to have someone to date. That’s a temptation you’ll have to resist because you’re going to end up hurting so many women.
Men’s taste in women differ from man to man. And no one can or should begrudge you of your taste. The problem comes when you then go for someone you clearly don’t want to date, but won’t mind accommodating. You’ll end up with a roving eye under such an arrangement. You can’t display contentment. The problem is compounded when the lady you’re dating whom you don’t consider ideal considers you ideal. In such a situation, there’ll be a mismatch of desire, and expectations will suffer. And that’s how you end up treating a woman badly. She’s just your interim gap filler. In other words, you’re only with her because you’ve not met whom you want. Coupled, but still searching.
Of course relationships generate promissory notes. Assumptions are naturally made in relationships. And at some point in such a relationship you’re going to end up saying something you don’t want to mean… Or make promises you don’t intend to keep. You know, it’ll just be words you said. But words mean a lot to women. Doesn’t matter if YOU don’t attach a weight to what you say. And so the woman thinks there’s a serious relationship going on; she’s seeing herself in a wedding gown… But you’ve determined she’s not the one, yet you’re actively dating her! You’re going to acquire a history. It’s worse if sex is involved. She’s going to feel used when you eventually break up with her, which you would. Of course maltreating her might not have been your intendment; you might even have spelt things out at the beginning. But the constitution of women is different from men’s. They have the power of simple faith when it comes to relationship. It’s not wise to say what you don’t mean to a woman, it’s not wise to make promises you don’t want to keep. It’s not wise to make promises you CAN’T keep too. She might just believe you! Then you have a fulfillment problem.
Now, in your logic you’re not in a “relationship,” but in her logic you’re in a committed relationship. Or you wouldn’t be making the emotional demands you make or be taking all you’re taking from her. So when you eventually meet the woman you want and you dump her, you’re going to be wicked. And it would be read by the womenfolk you wasted her life, took her past her attractive prime, blocking other men. It doesn’t matter if both of you had an agreement from the beginning. The terms of a relationship are dynamically renegotiated without formality. Everybody assumes and takes license in a relationship. It’s a renegotiation of original terms. If you perpetuate the relationship under amended terms you are assumed to agree to the new status. If she begins to rearrange your home and bring in her stuff and you don’t object, you’re assumed to agree to a new contract. Such relationship has been renegotiated from let’s just see once in a while to I’m the one! And such a rearrangement points to the future. In fact it points to the altar and a white dress. You can’t say “I never asked her to move her things into my house.” You didn’t object when she did. You accepted. So you see how terms of a relationship get renegotiated through license.
I’m just saying be careful about the compulsive dating thing, as if you MUST BE in a relationship. Happens to women too, not just men. Some women end up dating three guys in one year with the compulsive thing. As you skip and jump from one relationship to another, you’re leaving a wake of broken hearts. You have to be careful about breaking people’s hearts carelessly. Human makeup is fragile. We all have thresholds when it comes to coping with disappointment. Some have low thresholds. It’s the thin skull theory in law. If you land a blow on a man with thin skull you’re still culpable for his death. Why don’t you just wait until you meet the person you want, rather than dating who you don’t want? You have to be mindful of people’s feelings when it comes to dating. You have to be careful you don’t trigger temporary insanity in someone through disappointment. If you’ve been watching Crime Channel you’ll know that triggering temporary insanity in a relationship can be dangerous. Beyond that, you may send someone to an asylum after disappointment in a relationship. You don’t want that. There are people who never recover from relationship disappointment. There are people who can’t marry because of what one guy did to them. It’s why I say be careful with disappointment. You don’t want to mess around with the law of sowing and reaping in life. Even if YOU escape you don’t want someone doing that to your daughter. Be careful about doing to other people’s daughters what you don’t want done to your own daughter. Wait for the right person.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder |
Tags : Loneliness, Dating

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