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Read Letter

Good Girl, Bad Girl

My dear Jack, but you’re not going to marry her mother or sister! You’re going to marry her, not her family. If she’s critically deficient in character the goodness of her family can’t save the marriage. Neither her mum nor sister is going to live with you. 

You’ll only see them once in every while. You’re going to be living with her. So you can’t base your marital decision on the attributes of your prospective mother-in-law. Your girlfriend is the bride. Same for ladies. If the guy is terrible but the mother-in-law is wonderful, that’s little comfort. Easier to have a difficult mother-in-law and wonderful husband than reverse. The relationship with your mother-in-law is secondary. The relationship with your wife is primary. It’s best of course to have a wonderful wife and wonderful parents-in-law. But we don’t always get that. The folks who do don’t always appreciate their luck. They don’t know any better of course.
Good parents-in-law reinforce a marriage, they don’t destroy it. You should pray to be so lucky. Wonderful parents-in-law adopt the bride (or the groom as the case may be) as their own biological offspring. There won’t be a she versus your mum if the relationship is healthy. Your mum will “collaborate” against you! That’s because she’ll love your wife so much she’ll be the apple of her eye. You want that kind of love for your wife. Same for you. You want a loving father-in-law and a mother-in-law who’s practically your mother. But all these are beside the point if your girlfriend doesn’t love you.
I doubt this lady loves you. If she loves you she won’t be flitting from one bed to another just months to your wedding. I’m all for forgiveness, but forgiveness is not stupid. You can forgive and not be stupid. If she loves you she won’t prey on your heart. And if she’s truly sorry about the first “mistake” there won’t be successive dalliances. Would it be okay if you sleep around months to your wedding too? Would she want that? You’re going to make the biggest mistake of your life going on with this wedding. She’s obviously not going to be faithful. God warns us before we make horrendous marital decisions. You shouldn’t go ahead with this wedding. The signs are there. Every divorcee remembers that moment they should have walked out before the wedding. So she made a “mistake” once. But seven admitted “mistakes” seem like a pattern. It’s now habitual, don’t you think? So she sleeps with this man and you forgive. Then she sleeps with another and you forgive. Pray, when will you wake up? You should forgive but that doesn’t mean you should marry; especially as it’s so obvious you can’t handle her infidelity. She’ll shatter your heart in the marriage. You have a chance to walk away now. Do!
Some things in life are just commonsense. A lot of things in life can be resolved with commonsense. This is one. If you’re in this much pain before the marriage, imagine what your sorrow will be after the wedding. You’re going to put a strain on your heart if you proceed with this union. Your religious heart can’t handle it either. She’s banking on that religious disposition to get away with murder, taking you for granted. It’s why successive forgivenesses is assumed. It’s a very selfish stance. She’s taking you for a fool. There’s a reason you have two legs. If you can walk into a relationship, you can also walk out of a relationship. Of course that’s not something she thinks can happen – I mean your walking out. It’s why she persists in those things. There’s no feeling for your feelings whatsoever. Nigerians will probably call you M-U-M-U. (Sort out the meaning!)
Love constrains us in our behavior. You don’t want to hurt someone you love. If someone persistently inflicts pain on you there can’t be much love in there. That’s not saying temptations won’t come. But you have a will, and a choice. That’s the point of temptation. Temptation is a solicitor. It’s the job of temptation to solicit your compromise. It’s your duty to resist. But one way or the other you’re going to have to take a decision on the validity of the marriage, before or after the wedding. You take a marital decision for you, not for others. If it’s not good for you, don’t go into it. You don’t go into a potentially damaging marriage because your fiancée has a wonderful mother. After your mum-in-law is gone, you’ll be left with the consequences of your decision.
It’s almost like you’re looking for every excuse to make the marriage happen despite the facts. The facts you ignore in courtship are going to confront you in marriage. The obvious facts you ignore in courtship are going to show up wearing red pyjamas in marriage. Some troubles in marriage begin right after the reception. Usually those are marriages that should never have taken place. I just think this lady is taking you for granted. She knows you’re ideologically committed to the relationship. Such an ideological stance makes you ignore facts and commonsense. And it makes one-sided demand on loyalty – only yours. It doesn’t place a demand on the other party. The other name for a stance that ignores facts and commonsense is foolishness. Many divorces are marriages that should never have taken place. Your girlfriend is on a sexual safari. But there you are waiting like a monk locked away from confronting reality.
If you do decide to walk away let her family know why. Or you end up looking like a villain. The reason she’s telling you not to disclose the truth to her family is so she ends up smelling like a rose. She’ll lie against you once you’re gone. She can’t have it both ways – eat her cake and have it. She wants to be that nice girl to her family when in fact the facts point otherwise. Perhaps this mail is that warning from God. There’s pain waiting for you down the line – regrets. But it’s your decision, like I always say. Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder |
Tags : Love, Commitment, Forgiveness, faithfulness

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