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My dear Jil, there comes a point we must stop digging ourselves in, in a relationship that’s no relationship. If you keep investing emotionally and materially in a relationship knowing your love is not requited, you’re digging a hole. There’s that point in this kind of relationship when we need to cut our losses. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. We’re talking years of life investment. But we can’t keep digging ourselves in, fooling ourselves we’re collecting clay to make bricks to build a relationship. The deeper the hole we dig, the more we’re caked in mud, and the more we disappear from view.

It’s the equivalence of self-burial – this digging of hole, digging yourself in. Cut your loss. If you’ve dated a guy for three years and it’s so obvious he has no intention of marrying you, you should cut your loss. If you don’t cut your loss, he will visit extreme pain on you when he marries someone he’s barely met. And the signs are there this guy has no intention of marrying you despite dating you for three whole years. He has refused to introduce you to any member of his family. Nobody in his family knows you exist. Yes, you’ve introduced him to YOUR family but that only proves YOU want to marry him not him you.

You have to be worried about someone you’ve dated for three years who introduces you as “friend”, not “girlfriend”. So you were just “friends” all those three years of exclusive affection and attention? And this guy has neither regard nor time for you. He doesn’t even return your texts or calls regularly. “I’m not the chatty type” is not an excuse not to at least acknowledge a girlfriend’s text. He’s sending you a message. This is what is called a grudging relationship. The guy barely wants you but doesn’t want to lose the fringe benefits. It’s like, “If you want it keep working for it, but I’m not going to do anything to encourage you.” That’s a terrible attitude to confront. It’s frustrating and debilitating. You don’t know what to do. But that’s also the attitude of a guy who takes you completely for granted. He knows you’re wasting your time. And when he’s finished using you, he’s going to dump you. But lest we ascribe this guy’s behaviour to the entire male species, it’s not! Not all guys behave this way.

The pain in all this is that you’ve put in all this effort and you have nothing to show for it. But maybe you should be thanking God. You don’t want to marry a guy who tolerates you. You don’t want to marry someone who has no regard for you. That’s the crushing of self-esteem. And it may just be that this guy has no regard for women in general. He may be a misogynistic cultural ideologue. Whatever it is, you shouldn’t be in this relationship. You’re going to be stranded. You know you’re not going forward, that you won’t be moving forward with him and that can be frustrating. There are those moments we need to come to terms with apparent facts. There are things in life that can’t be redeemed. Your emotional and physical investments in this relationship qualify. There are emotional investments that yield no interest. Investing in the wrong guy won’t yield you gain. The more you try to salvage something from this relationship, the deeper the hole you’ll dig. Until you’re emotionally numb. And when you’re emotionally numb in a relationship, that’s not a good place to be. It can swing either way. You may not just care anymore and that means you can do anything in anger. Or you may just have absorbed too much pain that you go into grief, crying bitterly on the inside. Or you’re just paralyzed and immobilized. You just can’t move a finger. And the guy thus has license to keep treating you bad.

Cut your losses Jil. There are times we need to cut our losses. This is one of them. It comes from acknowledgement of what’s staring us in the face. Yes, you may feel bitter and hollow but it’s better to walk away. The relationship is going nowhere. An appreciative guy will come – that guy who’ll make you feel like a woman, who’ll value your person and efforts. This guy is probably going to regret not marrying you. You’ll soon see. Sometimes, it takes losing someone for some people to appreciate the value of someone. The vacuum of your absence will soon be telling. Things he took for granted will now become apparent. So don’t worry.

Devote your life strength to a deserving person, an appreciative individual. With the right man you won’t feel lesser. A relationship is not supposed to take away our sense of worth. A relationship is supposed to enhance us, increase us, and increase our happiness. Happiness is very important in a relationship. Don’t trade it. Opposite is depression. What love does is that it bundles happiness into the package. So you’re happy you feel cared for. You want someone who considers you special, not someone who sees you as a tolerable irritant. When you text and he refuses to reply, yet says you’re not bothering him, that in itself is bothersome. My take is that he’s grown tired of you and needs to move on. But in the meantime he wants to keep enjoying the benefits. It’s so obvious he doesn’t want to marry you. He’s said so in so many words with no words. There’s his body language. He’s conveniently not at home when you offer to visit. He’s hoping you’ll get the message. Funny thing is, if you cut off he may then call you some day. And that’s because he needs you. When that happens, be resolute about moving on. Or this guy will keep you running on a treadmill. A treadmill is motion with no distance covered. Some relationships are like that. And you’ll keep burning energy, wasting life’s resources; time in particular. That’s what a treadmill relationship does.

I’m sure your parents are already asking questions by now. They don’t know you’ve not been introduced to his family. Stop digging the hole Jil. Cut your losses.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

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Tags : Emotional commitment, Emotional, Choosing, abuse, Worth, How men think

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