My dear Jack, you shouldn’t be careless with your marriage. Your wife is at an emotional inflection point and you’re not even aware. That’s careless. Yes, I know you’re working so hard to take care of the family but if you lose the family, what’s the point? If you keep going this way you’re going to get blindsided by life. You’re setting yourself up for a nasty surprise. I know you love her but you’re not paying attention to those things we spoke about.
You see, to a woman expression of love is as important as the love itself. She knows you love her but it’s not real to her because it’s not expressed. And you better learn to express love to her regularly. She needs that affirmation. Of course you can’t understand this. You’re not a woman. But the moment you said “I do”, it’s assumed you do. The cracks that eventually break up a marriage can amazingly start manifesting at the very start. It’s why you must pay attention to what’s going on with your wife’s feelings and emotions. It’s very important. If those feelings build up into a strong case, hell will be unleashed at some point. It’s a matter of time. Think of a volcano gently rumbling and nobody pays attention. Someday, it’s going to boil over and destroy lives. It’s why you take those emotions seriously. She won’t always be right about those emotions but you take them seriously. You defuse dangerous feelings in marriage by addressing the subject matter, collaborating to find a solution. It’s important she feels you’re paying attention to her, that you’re mindful of her emotional needs. Yes, you’re providing material support, which is all good. But she has emotional needs as well.
She needs affirmation. Affirmation, affirmation, affirmation. You better get that word sunk in. It’s why you say “I love you” a thousand times. It’s why you hold her. It’s why you back her. It’s why you stand up for her. It’s why you defend her in familial territories. It’s why you send texts during the day telling her you love her. It’s why you’re careful about being too friendly with females who can give her fears and complex. It’s why you let her know you’ll be working late so the mind doesn’t get agitated with imaginative rumours. Affirmation is very important to a woman. It’s why you tell her she’s beautiful. It’s why you compliment her dressing. It’s why you help her with that zipper. It’s why you drop her off at the salon and pick her up thereafter. It’s why you buy her those gifts, send them to her office. And so when she’s complaining you don’t remember her birthday it’s not so much about the day but affirmation of love. You’re telling her she’s special on a special day. It’s the official globally recognised day of affirmation. The wedding anniversary is also the official globally recognised day of affirmation. Valentine day is also the official globally recognised day of affirmation. I hope you get the point. She wants the world to know you love her and you can bet her friends will ask for what you got her, and what the plan is for the day. And so she’s either going to lie on your behalf, or she’s going to be embarrassed if you got her nothing. Pain is the word not sadness. And such pain you can’t understand or recognise as a man even if it’s wearing red. As a man you’re not wired to understand these things. It’s why you do them dutifully. A wise man does.
Let me tell you how it works. She’s going to open a charge sheet against you. She’ll start documenting incidences. By the time she gets to three incidences your marriage is entering dangerous arena. Why? Because a pattern is emerging and motives are going to be imputed. Frustration will set in. Every incidence from then on is a reinforcement of pattern. Reinforcement leads to anger and desire for retaliation. Depending on her character and where she’s at, she’s going to try and hurt you where it hurts. Unfortunately, for your psyche as a man you’re going to try and be solving the wrong problems. And so when she says she doesn’t want to go with you to that family function, you’re going to be trying to solve THAT problem. But that’s not the problem. You’re dealing with after effects of reinforcement. It’s why couples must not hold grudges. It’s deleterious to the health of a marriage. Grudges destroy marriages. And you don’t want her holding a grudge against you. She’s going to hold you responsible for the state of her life. And so if she’s not satisfied with her job she’ll hold you responsible. Of course you can’t understand that but that’s how these things work. It’s why you don’t get careless. It’s never about the birthday but always about something deep and visceral, something you can’t understand. And so when the troubles begin, you’re going to be perplexed. Trying to find a solution can destroy your health. Better to be wise. You don’t want Satan entering your home.
Why don’t you just set her birthday on your phone diary. Let it remind you a week in advance a least. It’s actually economically cheaper if you start planning the day a month in advance. Then you can order things cheaper. Then you won’t be under pressure. And you’ll know what she wants if you pay attention to her. Chances are she’ll have been dropping hints, sometimes for months. You see, she is intuitively capacitated to discern what you really need. You’re not. You have to work it out. But if you pay some attention to her you’ll know what to get her for her birthday. It’s emotionally cheaper if you get her what she really wants. What YOU want can only be extra. And so all that thinking about getting her lingerie… It’s okay but remember that’s what YOU want. What does she want? The only way to beat that is to get her something so outstanding everything pales beside it. I understand you feeling it’s almost like work. But if you make her happy, you buy her heart and loyalty. And a woman’s love and loyalty is a phenomenon. You want her in your corner. She’ll give you her life. So stop complaining about what it takes. You don’t want to deal with contra facts trust me.
It’s not too late to get her that birthday present. Just send an accompanying note of apology. Affirm what she is to you. Remember the magic word always – affirmation, affirmation, affirmation. I wish you guys the best in your marriage.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com
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To a woman, expression of love is as important as the love itself. Click To Tweet