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Read Letter

Darius Complex

My dear Jil, you probably haven’t heard about Darius Complex. It stems from ancient history – a king in ancient times who arrogated to himself God-like powers. The name of this king was Darius. For thirty days everyone was supposed to pray to King Darius as if he was God. You weren’t allowed to pray to any other deity. Everyone had to supplicate Darius, king of Persia for all their needs in those thirty days. He was in effect acting God. Of course if you lived in Ancient Persia at that time and you worshipped God, the advent of this “Man-God” must have been alarming. That’s where “Darius Complex” came from – it’s about a human taking absolute authority over another person’s life.

Unfortunately, your boyfriend suffers from Darius Complex. He wants to exercise absolute power over your life. These are some of the symptoms of Darius Complex – this is how it progresses: First, your boyfriend tells you you’ll have to stop working once you marry. He begins to prep you. Something about taking care of the kids. Or he tells you you’ll have to resign from your corporate executive position to take up minding a small shop after marriage. Every time a call comes through on your phone, he wants to know who’s at the other end. (He also monitors your texts). He operates like the Secret Police in defunct Soviet Union, or like the State Security Service (Stasi) of East Germany. He monitors all your movements, investigates your browsing history. He’ll demand for the password to your phone. He wants to know about every purchase you make, especially items of clothing and jewellery – and who bought you what. On your birthday, he wants a register of all those who sent you gifts – especially the opposite sex. Every male you’re close to must be registered with him. He vets for approval. If he calls and you don’t pick up, he reads serious meaning into it. Your phone cannot be on silence. He’ll even test-call to assuage his suspicions, right after he had just called. It’s some intelligence game. If you go out, no male must seem friendly with you. Even females will be subject of interrogation – in case they’re poisoning your mind. If he calls the house and you’re in the bathroom, trouble! “Why didn’t you pick up your phone?” He wants to know. Who was with you? He’ll lay foundation for asking you to resign from your job on the premise that what he earns can take care of both of you. You’re dealing with a control freak essentially. He suffers from Darius Complex. And so he becomes the “God” who will supply all your needs according to his riches on this earthly plane.

Many times such people are men of means and power, yet not everyone who suffers from Darius Complex has means. There are also people of limited means who insist on absolute control of their girlfriends’ lives, just like some rich folks. It’s all insecurity. They try and limit the aspiration of their girlfriend for fear of being overtaken by her. Sometimes, these relationships are contracted when the girl was young or still in school, and hasn’t started earning. The guy would already be working and so has economic advantage over the girl who’s still in school.

Though to be honest, there are women with Darius Complex too. They totally emasculate their man in other to control him. They can insist the man resigns from his work to join them in their business. It’s the same control agenda. But here’s a simple fact you must reconcile yourself to if you proceed to marriage: he’ll control every aspect of your life. To buy even undies, you’ll have to appeal to this gentleman. You’ll have no discretionary income. He’ll make sure to drain your bank account. You won’t have a penny to your name so you can be totally dependent on him. If he’s poor he may insist on “joint” account with the aim of draining your savings. If you decide to opt out of the marriage, it will prove difficult. You’ll have no means. He controls the purse strings. To give money to your parents or sister you’ll have to supplicate him, ask him for it.

Here’s the irony: these rules don’t bind his own sisters. His sisters are independent women with independent means. They’re not totally dependent on their husbands. That means all these protocols were especially formulated to control and regulate you – make you totally dependent on him. He’s the type who’ll ask the domestic servants to spy on you, monitor your movements and associations, and report on same. And you won’t be able to go out without permission. You won’t be free. Basic rights will become privileges.

Jil, these things are already evident to you but it’s up to you whether you want to acknowledge what you can clearly see. The reason your heart is afraid as the wedding approaches is because you already know what you’re getting yourself into. Why don’t you take some time out and go and think before you commit your life to this man. Be sure of your decision. Go away for two, three days to sort out your thoughts. Determine whether you’ll be happy in this impending marriage. You lose your moral right to complain afterwards if you marry him and you’re unhappy. You already know the kind of man he is.

Your parents don’t know him, can’t know him the way you do. He’s generous to them. Your parents thus have a different picture from you. That’s understandable given their circumstances. What they see is his generosity, they’re not thinking about your happiness; can’t understand your fears. That a man is good to your parents doesn’t mean he’ll be a wonderful husband to you. A wonderful son-in-law is not always a wonderful husband. They’re two different fields. And he knows what he’s doing. He’s controlling the narrative with your parents, painting a good image of himself. If this man is temperamental, then you even have to be extra careful. If you disobey him he may physically abuse you. People with Darius Complex disdain challenges or opposition. He’ll make you rue the challenge. You can’t go into marriage afraid of your husband. You ought to feel confident in his assurance of love.

The marriage is going to become crude at some point. I don’t want to spell that out but think of that period every month. Will you have to beg him to buy stuff for even that? What if he decides not to give you the money? Of course if you’re okay being totally dependent on him that’s your decision. Nobody can argue that with you. But if you want a career and marriage, I’m afraid this is not the man for you. He sees them as mutually exclusive. Though I wonder why he doesn’t just go for a woman who desires no career, rather than trying to convert you. Those are some of the paradoxes of life. But the simple truth remains your boyfriend is very insecure. Let me know what you decide.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

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Tags : possessiveness, Superiority complex, Compatibility, Considerations, Jealousy, Control, committment

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