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Either/Or

My dear Jack, this thing is not an “either…or” scenario. It’s not compulsory you choose either lady as wife. Let’s think through. Take the first lady. She is an inveterate liar you said you can’t trust. She’s only interested in you because her gamble with the guy she went after didn’t pay off.

She detoured to you after her hopes were dashed. She had thought the other guy would marry her. She was stringing you, dating two of you at the same time. That’s the implication. She was just collecting money from two sources, giving you false hope in lieu of the money. That lady has no character whatsoever and I’m surprised you’re considering her as a marital option. Like they say, she’ll show you pepper! You can’t trust her. She lacks regulation, has no scruples. Her idea of

She detoured to you after her hopes were dashed. She had thought the other guy would marry her. She was stringing you, dating two of you at the same time. That’s the implication. She was just collecting money from two sources, giving you false hope in lieu of the money. That lady has no character whatsoever and I’m surprised you’re considering her as a marital option. Like they say, she’ll show you pepper! You can’t trust her. She lacks regulation, has no scruples. Her idea of relationship is obtuse and irreconcilable to harmonious marital prospect. When guys begin to consider the inconceivable it’s often because they’re carried away with sexual attraction or physical attributes. The lust for her physique is making you immune to common sense and rational consideration of prospect of peace and harmony.

Besides, she doesn’t love you. She only wants to be “Mrs.” She just wants to marry and carry on. You’ll be a slave to her whims and she’s going to ill-treat you once the marital door is bolted. She’ll throw the key away. If you know how deterministic marriage is you won’t even dare to consider such a woman for life partner. She’s going to hurt you badly. And you have a delicate nature. Don’t go for what you can’t afford emotionally. You can’t afford this lady, even financially. She’ll play you. She’s street smart. And she knows she’s mushed up your senses with her wiles. It’s why she dared to return to you in the first place. You shouldn’t gamble your life on such a person. You shouldn’t be considering a life partnership with such a person. In marriage you stake your life. It’s why a bad marriage can send you to the gallows. And some bad marriages have sent people to the asylum. Marriage is that serious. You don’t mess around with it!

As per the other lady, clearly, you can’t abide her educational standard though she has good character. That poses several challenges – cultural and social. They will become issues. They’re already issues for you. For one, you’re going to be embarrassed about her in public. You’ll be afraid to introduce her. She’s going to be culturally incompetent. Formal dinners will be difficult prospects for you. You’ll never be sure she won’t embarrass you cutlery handling wise. You’ll be in trepidation every time someone invites you for dinner. Besides, her poor education will show through in conversation settings. Either she’ll have no idea what is being talked about or she’ll make an embarrassing gaffe trying to contribute; or tune off. Education is not about passing exams. It’s about development of the mind and character. Education is as much about culture as it is intellectual development – the ability to present a rational viewpoint. Unless you’re the kind of man who’s okay with a huge gap in education, having an uneducated partner will not work. And the educational gap is not issue for you, you won’t have raised it in your mail to me. Are you going to keep hiding your wife? There are all those Old Boys’ dinners you have to attend. What are you going to do? And it’s not her fault. She’s what she has, which made her who she is. She’s uneducated, plain and simple.

You’re going to get irritated with the poor woman. Buying clothes may prove daunting. She’s not exposed enough. Unless of course, you want to devote time and energy to educating her on such things; but you must be ready to deal with a history of embarrassment. The marriage may not survive that history. And she won’t understand why you’re irritable with her. She may sense the truth but won’t understand. She’s putting in her best for you. She’ll do those things mechanically. She can’t really understand social nuances. There are cultural staples she can’t appreciate. In fact, you don’t have an educational gap between you, you have an educational chasm.

Some marry women of low educational standard for the purposes of control, though they soon learn things change. What they’re really seeking is a culturally conditioned woman who grew up within a certain cultural context. Some of those relationships work and some don’t. Why is outside our purview. Quantitative longevity is not the proof a marriage works; it’s the quality of the marriage. The quality of a marriage guarantees its longevity. If a marriage is good it will last. That a marriage “lasts” doesn’t mean the marriage is happy or good. I’m just trying to say, don’t use those other marriages as validation for this kind of marriage. We really don’t know what’s going on in other people’s marriages. We just make assumptions. That a marriage appears happy doesn’t mean it’s happy. May be Photoshop. There are many seemingly happy couples who can’t stand each other. They’ve just mastered public relations.

It would seem tribal identity matters to you. If not, you wouldn’t have specified the tribal identity of either woman in your mail. In which case, you better marry what is culturally convenient for you. Not sure you’re comfortable marrying from another tribe. Marriage always boils down to personal choice. Even when others choose for you it’s still your choice. When people choose a spouse for you, it just means you subcontracted your choice. It means those people are your filtration and quality assurance system. They’re your consultants. Just know you’re going to be in the marriage alone, not with the marriage committee. So you have to make your own choice and assume responsibility for your choice. That’s the way it’s always been. You shouldn’t choose either of these two women if neither fits.

There’s a third option – wait for the right person. Marriage is not something you rush. Unless you’re a Rushian. Take your time and choose the right person for you. There’s no prize for hasty decisions on marriage. I hope this helps.

Your mentor, LA

There’s no prize for hasty decisions on marriage. Click To Tweet
Tags : Compatibility, Sincerity, Considerations, Choosing, Education, Deception, abuse

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