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Read Letter

Grand Design

My dear Jil, don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a programme called Grand Design. I think it’s on BBC Prime. Cable. It’s an architecture programme – beautiful, lovely houses on a grand scale. Creative architecture, mostly modern. These are not your run of the mill stuff. These are incredible houses – the type you’ll want to live in. Tasteful. Non garish. Well, I liken your unfolding relationship to grand design, or shall we call it grand deceit.

Your boyfriend is a very inventive individual. He’s spurn an elaborate architecture of deceit. Interesting deceit. Unfortunately, your life is a raw material in this elaborate architectural scheme. The life of the other girl as well, and she’s pregnant. She’s got limited education, as you’ve gathered but she’s very street savvy. Smart, especially given her age. They’ve obviously been together for some time. You’re the new person on the scene. You’re the third party, the proverbial outsider. He’s trying to pull a fast one on her knowing she’s not public relations credential for him though great in the sack. Your educational level fits the public image he wants. And so your boyfriend has come up with this elaborate scheme in which he continues to sleep with her but marry you. Of course you can’t see that because you’re besotted and blind to the obvious. Choose to be.

He wants to use you to dump her so he buys time to marry you. Then he goes back to her. He’s not planning to leave her. Oh, no! He wants to still be with her. They’re each other’s poison – veritable hemlock. There’s something raw and crudely attractive between them. There’s a nativity of vulgar passionate lust. She’s not unattractive as you can see. Just that she barely has primary school education. That’s terrible PR credential. He can’t introduce her in certain circles. His parents won’t consent. He knows this. She’s a coarse indelicacy. So why not keep her on the side but lustfully go after propriety and social class through you? That’s his thinking. You didn’t even know this girl existed. He never gave you any inkling. He was amorously ambidextrous. Because she felt her position threatened she concocted her own scheme and got pregnant. And now, he’s behaving as if keeping her on the side but being married to you is the new normal. This is not a case of wanting to eat your cake and have it, this is about opening a confectionary. Try and imagine what your marriage to this guy will be like. You’ll be inside but she’ll be outside. Only he’ll be more into her than into you. He’ll sleep with you obligatorily – has to produce “legitimate” kids; but his real passion would be her. She’s not going anywhere. He’s her entree into a certain world, and definitely her bread and butter. Besides, she can claim native rights, after all, she got there before you. You’re the new bride. She’s your hostess. In her world, she considers herself married to him. In her culture, a mother is a wife. All that registry stuff is mere formality. She’ll continue to trouble your marriage. As far as she’s concerned you’re all in a glorified polygamy. And if she can see you off, she will. She wants him exclusively. It’s one of those improbable love stories fuelled by sex.

So this “wise” young man is going to create two families – one on the inside, one on the outside. What a great wisdom! He’s not thinking of course. He’s seduced by his lust, blinded by sex. His appendage is thinking for him. And he somehow thinks he can pull off this grand scheme, you know, make it work. If only the women will cooperate. To get you on board, he tells you it’s over between them. (If you believe that you must believe in aliens). And he’s going to tell you he made a mistake, wants to start a new life with you, and that you should forgive him. But what he really wants, what she represents is the acrobatic possibilities of the raw energy of compelling sex, the spending of soul. The very foundation of your relationship is an elaborately crafted scheme of half-truths, untruths and true lies. God gave us the power of projection. It’s how we get to “see” the future based on a set of facts. It’s not about imagining the future. Projection has a greater certainty about it. You can “see” the future. Given the facts of this relationship, I want you to project what your marriage will be five, seven years into the future. Can you see yourself stuck to a very selfish husband whose real wife is outside, a woman who’ll never let go? The sex and the child are her claims on him. Besides, she knows him better than you. He trained her to fit the image of his lust. He started with her when she was very young, introduced her to predatory sex. All she’s ever known is him. The circumference of her world is his life. The dimensions are his lust. And so she’s miles ahead of you in the nativity scene. She’s better suited to him, better adapted to him.

As far as her parents are concerned he’s married to their daughter. They know him, he’s visited them. They’re merely tolerating your relationship. As far as they’re concerned he’s already married their daughter. He impregnated her. Heaven help you if the whole thing doesn’t turn diabolical – the chances are high. If you guys are starting to fight for no apparent reason, if he’s uncontrollably angry with you, can’t seem to dial down his anger… If he feels like something is stoking his furnace, amplifying your disagreement from outside of his control… That can be very symptomatic of voodoo and if you’ve been experiencing his inexplicable anger, you know what you’re up against. The natural follow up question from all this is, what are you doing in this triangular infrastructure of concrete deceit? What are you doing with this kind of guy? Shouldn’t you run for your life? Don’t you know it’s your life and your future that’s at stake? You’ve gotten yourself into a deceitful scheme just because you want to marry. You KNOW you’re not going to be happy. Why would you wilfully plough on, into something that’s going to devastate your life and decimate your dreams? Are there no other men? Why this sort of fellow? He’s mastered the technical engineering of deceit. If the foundation of this relationship was crafted with deceit why do you imagine the superstructure will be made with sincerity? Can you build truthfulness and sincerity on a foundation of grand deceit? That will be some architecture! There are men you ought to run from. A very deceitful, selfish and self-centred individual is one of such. But if you believe you can change him, prise him from the other girl and somehow create matrimonial Eldorado… All I can do is warn you. It’s your life after all!

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

If the foundation of this relationship was crafted with deceit why do you imagine the superstructure will be made with sincerity? Click To Tweet
Tags : cheating, abuse, addiction, juju, the other woman, Worth, Courage, How men assess women, Sincerity, Emotional, Choosing

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