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My dear Jack, it’s about being concerned for each other, being committed to each other’s welfare and progress. Every marriage has a potential history embedded. And things will play out over the years. There’s the very fact of the marriage itself but then there are all sorts of things that will go on in individual lives. For instance, she has her work and you have yours. Different things happen at work. If you love her you’ll support her to succeed at what she does, just as she owes you support too.

It’s important your wife is fulfilled in marriage. And that can mean fulfilment in her professional career. If you stymie her happiness, it’s coming back to hit you like a boomerang. And you know sometimes stuff happens at work – people being envious of her, people trying to frustrate her, etc. Her greatest cheerleader in life has to be you. After all, you’re going to be the greatest beneficiary of her success. The higher she earns the bigger the family purse. Even the birthday gifts she buys you will be better and more qualitative. You stand to gain the most. You’re supposed to be her best friend. You have to be there for her, always. And that requires inconveniencing yourself. You sometimes have to go over your threshold, over and beyond. When she’s down, it’s to you she should turn. She ought to have that assurance that you’ve got her back always. It should be indubitable, and something without need of verification. It’s not something you do, it’s who you are to her. You’re her rock, you’re supposed to be. It’s why marriage requires a certain emotional capacity, as well as elasticity. When things don’t go as well as they should, say at work, be there for her. Especially knowing she’d do the same for you. That’s what friendship is all about. That’s what marriage is all about.

A marriage is covenanted friendship. A marriage is resolute commitment to someone, the giving of one’s life to a partnership. And when there’s that partnership in a marriage, miracles happen. There’s the power of binary agreement – two people being in agreement. It’s a potent force with unimaginable power. It’s full of possibilities and it’s limitless in dimension. That potency of binary power is native to marriage. In fact, some will say the heart agreement between two people is a spiritual quantity, and it is! And so in everything try and come to an agreement. Avoid disagreements. One chooses to support President Trump, one chooses to oppose him… At least agree even on that. It’s an agreement! You see, when you agree, the chances of a third party causing disequilibrium in the marriage becomes reduced. It’s when there’s no internal agreement that an external factor has a chance against the marriage. There should be some non-negotiables in your marriage. Your love for each other for one. It should be non-negotiable. Your fondness for each other should be another non-negotiable. Wanting to stay with each other should be yet another non-negotiable. As is supporting each other; it should be a non-negotiable quantity as well. Nothing should trump these non-negotiables. She must always be your No.1 and you, hers.

The natural course of life is entropy – degradation. Things just tend to degrade, spin into chaos. The principle of entropy is why we die and decompose. It’s why food stinks. It’s why iron rusts. It’s why you must take effort to preserve and maintain your marriage. It takes effort. You can’t have too many friends in life. You can have many acquaintances but not many friends. And that’s because of the nature of friendship. I’m talking friends not Coke buddies, or movie buddies. Friendship requires a certain level of commitment. It credits the account first before any consideration of withdrawal. Conceptually, the closest friendship you can have is in your marriage. You’re totally exposed to your partner. Your partner knows you inside out, accepts you matter-of-factly. You’re just you to her. And so the basic ingredients necessary for a strong bond in your marriage are already there. You just need to operationalise.

Proximity breeds relationship. It’s unfathomable that one can be in marriage and not have a relationship with one’s partner. That’s torture. The amount of energy needed to stay in such a marriage is unimaginable. And the energy is drawn directly from inside your being. It’s why a bad marriage can break people down. But friendship eases things. Think of it as some sort of recharge unit. Friendship makes things easy in marriage. And you know for some time I’ve been emphasising the need for you and her to be friends, to remain friends. Otherwise, you’re going to be expending energy going through rites of marriage. Even a goodbye kiss will require energy. You need to address the drift in your marriage fast, before entropy takes total control.

Marriage is a daily effort. Love is a daily act of friendship. Friendship is the daily vitamin complex of marriage. Our insecurities breed in us the need for constant affirmation. And we all need constant affirmation. Affirmation comes in different languages. Sometimes it’s a kiss, sometimes it’s a commendation, sometimes it’s a hug. Sometimes it’s a touch, sometimes it’s a compliment, and sometimes it’s the tucking in of the label of a dress… And sometimes it’s that look in your eyes. We all need constant affirmation. And so determine how you’ll affirm your wife daily. It can be as simple as a text or an emoji. Why don’t you send one to her now!

Your mentor, LA

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Tags : Marriage, conflict resoulution, Emotional commitment, Commitment, Genuine love, Appreciation

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