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Read Letter

She Doesn’t Want You

My dear Jack, you’re obviously not who she wants. She’s holding out for someone. But like they say, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush, so she maintains relationship with you but won’t promise marriage. She can’t make such commitment because you’re not what she wants. You’ve been dating for a year now and she won’t talk marriage – not even preliminary bits. And she’s told you she’s not promising marriage. Maybe you both need to sit down and define what exactly this relationship is.

Obviously, you both have different ideas about the relationship, different visions. And when a lady tells you you’re not compatible with her but still goes out with you, you might want to consider the possibility you’re an interim gap-filler. You know, at the Oscars there are those employed to occupy the front seats until the stars arrive. That’s because they don’t want the hall to look empty on TV. Once the stars show up, they evacuate the seats. These gap-fillers are well dressed by the way. Well, it seems you’re a gap-filler – until he who is expected comes. You have the honour of being an interim pleasure-administrator.

Given all this, you might want to be careful about the amount of investment you’re pouring into the relationship. It’s a risky bet, very risky bet. If the kind of guy (or the guy) she wants shows up, you can be sure you’re history. So you need to ask yourself if you should keep pouring in your resources and emotions. On top of all that, she’s also told you she’s not sure her parents will accept you. She’s doubtful. And so she’s made no commitment to you and she’s hinted you her parents won’t accept you, that your credentials and prospects are doubtful. Exactly what then are you doing together? If she loves you she won’t be telling you things like this. She’ll be thinking of how to make her parents accept you. In fact she’ll have told her mum. It would seem from her words that she’s not even mentioned you to anyone in the family. And you’ve been dating for how long now, a year? You must be a heavy gambler if you keep investing in this kind of relationship. Perhaps you should scale it down to mere friendship. Or you should also consider leaving the relationship for good and go look for someone who wants you and cares about you. She doesn’t want to marry you. That’s the simple analysis.

Learn to accept obvious facts. When she breaks with you and you cry, she’s going to remind you she warned you. And she did warn you, didn’t she? You can’t marry someone who doesn’t want you. You shouldn’t want to marry someone who doesn’t want you. It’s important the person you marry loves you. Don’t let anyone downgrade the importance of love in marriage. Love is very important.

If you take the risk of marrying someone who doesn’t love you, knowing the person doesn’t love you, you can’t cry about no love in the marriage. You never had it. And why would you want to go into marriage with someone who doesn’t love you?! You might as well marry off the street. And love is not just feelings. There’s commitment, there’s sacrifice, there’s identification. The feelings are like feedback on the interests of your heart. Perhaps you hope the love will come in the marriage. It may or may not come. But what if it does not come? Marriage is way up there among the big decisions in life. You don’t want to gamble with marriage. You can get really messed up. It’s hard to describe the trauma of a bad marriage to a young man. It can’t be described. Just avoid it. One way to avoid marital trauma is not to marry someone who doesn’t want you. Don’t marry someone who sees you as a last resort either. You’re not wanted, you’re not loved, you’re just last available option. You’ll be treated accordingly.

Rejection is awful to a man. Men don’t want rejection. It’s why some won’t even bother to ask a woman out. They’re afraid of rejection. If you consider toasting rejection horrible then imagine the horror of your wife rejecting you in marriage. She’ll barely tolerate you. No matter how wonderful you are, how responsible you are, her rejection will still hold. Such rejection makes a man wonder about his worth, brings consternation. Your spirit will be crushed. You won’t and can’t understand how your wife can reject you as a person despite your qualities. And that rejection will spill over into every area in marriage – sex, going out, discussions, identification… She won’t identify with you. She will gossip about you to her friends as if you’re some third party, talk derisively of you, invent baseless accusations. When your wife treats you like a third party the pain goes deep. She will distance herself from you, treat you with emotional aloofness. It’s the picture of a nurse in gloves handling the putridity of a surgical cut off. And it’s easy for her to have an affair if she’s so inclined. You don’t count, your feelings don’t count. You will live separate lives though you’re married, with a few intersections here and there – the ones life mandates. She won’t celebrate your successes and you will suffer in silence, try and rationalise bad behaviour. You will wonder why your achievements are a problem.

How do you explain all this to a young man wanting to marry someone who doesn’t want him? He can’t dimension it, can’t see ten, twenty years into the future. He’s only dealing with now. All he’s thinking about is, she says she won’t promise me marriage. He won’t realise that’s a loaded statement with a lot of prophecy in it. Go for who wants you. Marriage is too intimate for unwantedness. You will suffer proximally. Because she can’t help herself about her reaction to you, she’ll become callous. She’s also dealing with the fact she’s realised she’s in marriage with a man she doesn’t want. She will hold you responsible for her unhappiness in life. That’s a problem you can’t solve. What’s the solution? The taking of your life? And so if you insist on pursuing this lady despite her attitude towards you and you do succeed in getting her to marry you, know what’s ahead for you.

Love has to be a two-way traffic. It must be anticipated and requited in marriage. You have a right to be loved. You have a right to affection, or why marry? And you can’t force affection. By the very nature of affection it has to be freely given, it has to be volunteered. And so when your girlfriend is exhibiting advance signs of the very likelihood of a non-affectionate marriage, you should consider your chances of happiness and wellbeing. If you can see the troubles ahead, why plunge your life into avoidable trauma? It soon begins to unfold. Five years into that marriage it will be in full bloom. You may not even get to five years.

I’m not sure this lady is taking you or your relationship seriously. You’re rightly worried. You are already wondering if she’s the right woman for you. Marriage is not something you go into with such questions. Better to be sure and certain. Marriage is a life commitment, as in you use your life for marriage. There’s no proxy system. I can’t emphasise the potency of marriage enough. Notice how some people end up bitter when it goes sour. And some people never recover. A marriage HAS to be happy. It affects your psychological wellbeing, your sense of self. You have to aim for happiness in marriage. Don’t set up yourself to be life’s casualty – a sad tale that is told repeatedly by you. And we do that when we see danger ahead and still plunge ahead like a moth drawn to fire. You must not love death.

Like I always say, I can only analyse things for you. The decision about who you marry is yours, has to be yours. After all, it’s your life and your marriage. So take your decision.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |


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Tags : Considerations, Choosing, expressiveness

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