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Read Letter

The Exam

My dear Jack, well, I can still say Happy New Year, can’t I? We corresponded last, last year. I do hope the year began very well for you. Sometimes, things start lugubriously. But the pace will soon pick up. Just resolve to be a better version of yourself irrespective of the mistakes you’ve already made this year. Don’t let them weigh you down. The year is too young for you to already be giving up on yourself. And thank you for the kind sentiments in your mail. I’m touched.

The question you asked made me smile, a bit. That question your girlfriend asked you – it’s a classic. And I hope you really understood the question. It’s a question you have to answer right. You need to understand women-speak. It’s quite different from men-speak. Sometimes, you have to ask yourself what is she REALLY asking. Inexperienced young men can’t see the nuances, they just take those kinds of questions at face value.

She asked you, “What gave you conviction I am the one you’re to marry?” Now, on the surface that sounds like a GCE exam question and I hope you didn’t answer it like someone taking entrance exam to secondary school. If you did, you’ve definitely failed and you have to creatively invent an opportunity for resit. When a lady asks you that kind of question she has an answer in mind, and she expects you to get it. That question is a security question and you don’t even have to answer it. Just lay out your security narrative. You see, such questions don’t just pop out of the blues. It’s coming from somewhere and you have to quickly scan your brain to know where it’s coming from.  Women hardly ask questions out of context. Browse your brain through yesterday’s events or any proximate event. Perhaps you met your ex yesterday and told her about it. Perhaps your sister showed up and affectionately laid claim to you. It may also be that someone told her she’s lucky to have you, or some lady made a pass at you at a party and you were clueless. That question is coming from somewhere. Such questions are event-based. It may even be your announcement of promotion at work prompted an insecurity. Something triggered that question. There’s a chain of thought and meditation that prompted it.

It’s wise to address the security (and exclusivity) question. It’s something you’ll have to address all your life. Because she loves you so much it’s quite natural for her to want to keep what is hers. And she needs regular guarantees. And so you answer such a question not just with words but with deeds. Make sure you address the issue. Unattended, such security issue can fester into marriage and eventually break up a marriage. True! She’ll become threatened by your achievements and advancements, and even associations. Of course it’s unreasonable but the fact remains it’s potent.

She may not be able to help herself if she’s feeling so insecure. Everything she does and says will be dictated by those insecurities and you’ll be perplexed. You’ll keep on answering the issue like a GCE exam question not knowing it’s a security guarantee challenge. And you’ll be exasperated because no matter what you do you can’t seem to satisfy her. She may end up punishing you for not being able to answer such a simple question, and to be honest with you the consequences can be dire. Of course, not all women are the same and there are local variations, but no matter what, you have to answer the security and exclusivity challenge.

There’s a reason polygamous marriages have certain internal challenges. People who demand relationship exclusivity are being forced to accept inclusivity. And the competition in a polygamous marriage can turn vicious, the children becoming collateral damage. “Thou shalt have no other affection competing with me,” is a woman’s mantra. Cram it! Of course, you may not fully understand how your job or sister can compete for your affection with your wife but the rule is the rule: No competing affection. She has to be your soul, your friend, your buddy, your confidante, your sounding board, your go-to, your queen, your castle, your advisor… If you agree she’s all these, she’ll give her life to you in its entirety. She just wants your personal guarantee for that level of commitment. There’s nothing like a woman’s love. The extent she can go to defend you is unimaginable. But she demands your exclusive loyalty and affection in return. It’s why she’s deeply pained when you do something fundamentally disappointing, like cheating on her.

In answering that question, I hope you didn’t tell her you had a dream in which an angel appeared and spoke to you she’s the one. You have failed the exam. Or that while you were under a mango tree, an apple fell and a sudden realisation came to you she was the one. Again you have failed. Tell her what she means to you instead, how you’d rather not have any other. Tell her how in the journey of your life you just have to have her as your companion, why you can’t imagine existence without her. Tell her you want to protect her always, care for her; tell her how you want the two of you to be together till the end of time. But tell her you’re not perfect, that you’ll make mistakes. But that those mistakes can’t change your love for her. That you won’t intentionally seek her hurt, even if it does seem so. That your motivations will always be pure towards her. Tell her you’ll do your best to make her happy, work hard to care for her and the kids, do your best to provide security for her. Tell her she means the world to you and you don’t want to do without her.

If you talk in this vein you’ll be answering her real question. But if you start talking about convictions like someone taking a course in philosophy, you’ll fail. You have to practice saying this in so many ways, repeatedly. And let your gifts say it. It’s why you sacrifice in buying gifts for her. Love entails sacrifice. It’s why it’s unwise to buy her the same gift you bought someone else, or a lesser gift. Be wise. She always has to be No. 1 and there can be no two No. 1s. It’s that simple.

I hope the foregoing has been helpful. Now, did you pass the exam?

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

There’s nothing like a woman’s love. The extent she can go to defend you is unimaginable. Click To Tweet
Tags : How women think, Appreciation

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