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My dear Jack, this is a casus belli situation. In case you don’t know what “casus belli” is, it’s a Latin expression meaning an act or event that provokes or is used to justify war. Perhaps you don’t realise it but you’re turning this issue into casus belli – a provocation scheme or justification for war. You’ve already had a discussion on the issue, drop it! The answers you got may not be adequate but they’re a reflection of your girlfriend’s portrait of you. She’s fessed up but you’re still driving the issue as if you’re a criminal investigation department interrogator following leads. You’ve got the answer you need yet you insist on humiliating her into a full scale confessional.

So she spent some time with her distressed colleague after work and didn’t disclose it to you. Couldn’t disclose for obvious reasons! But you’re reading too much meaning into an innocuous situation. Now you’ve got her angry with your drive for a full “confessional”. It’s not as if she’s interested in the guy. The guy was down and she just wanted to help. They’re close at work. If you keep at it, you’re going to lose her to the guy. You’re going to drive her into his arms. There’s already a platform for empathy and care.

There are things you drop for the sake of peace and continuity in a relationship. You shouldn’t humiliate your partner. Doesn’t mean you don’t know the truth. But wisdom says drop it and let it slide. And when you drop it, the other side knows you consciously dropped it. There’ll be relief. But when you hold on to an issue like a hyena’s jaw and you keep gnawing at it, you put off your partner – drive her insane. And when she’s angry, she may just decide you’re not worth it. You are in essence accusing her not only of unexpressed allegations but of the possibility of an allegation. A spirit of accusation does not bode well in a relationship or marriage. It is prosecutorial. You’ve discussed the issue. As far as she’s concerned, it’s resolved. Why turn it into an ongoing investigation? Even if you’re proven right, then what? How right can you be losing your relationship in the pursuit of a thought crime?

You need to look into your sense of security. The truth is, you can’t fully monitor her. If she wants to cheat on you, she’ll do it right under your nose and you’ll be none the wiser. You have to mind that controlling tendency. At this rate you’re going to start monitoring her calls, texts and even facial expressions. If she takes a call and she’s smiling, you’re going to be wondering who’s at the other end. You’re going to end up a monitoring spirit at this rate. It’s really quite simple: if you don’t trust her, don’t date her. Unless you want to turn yourself into an investigative bureau. There are men who send private investigators after their wives. Note however that by the time you’re doing this, something is terribly broken in that relationship. It’s called trust.

Let me tell you how it plays out. If she wears a pair of beautiful shoes or dresses special, you’re going to be suspicious. If she carries a nice handbag you’re going to start wondering who bought it for her, calculating the cost. If she says she wants to travel, you’re going to start wondering who’s sponsoring the trip. If you agree to meet at 6 and she shows up at 6.10, you’re going to wonder where she’s coming from. If she puts on the slightest weight, you’re going to start wondering if she’s pregnant and for whom. If she says she’s going to see a friend, you’re going to start wondering who the gentleman is. If there’s a get together at work, you’re going to wonder who’s really getting together. If a call comes in and out of politeness she leaves the room to answer the phone, you’re going to start putting two plus two together to get seven. If she changes her perfume, you’re going to rev your olfactory capabilities wondering why the change. If she picks interest in football or any other sport for whatever reason, you’re going to wonder who’s influencing that decision. If for whatever reason she can’t pick your call at a moment in time, you’re going to get suspicious and begin making incessant calls. If she buys a new car, even on company loan you’re going to wonder who paid the difference. If this is your state of mind regarding your girlfriend and you’re doing all of these, you’re a monitoring spirit. It’s full-time employment.

In a good relationship, trust is automatically credited; it’s not a loan. You’re planning to spend your lifetime with this woman. How are you going to live for decades with someone you don’t trust? You’ll give yourself hypertension. You can’t keep interrogating your girlfriend like she’s in a detention centre for economic and other crimes. That’s not healthy. Chances are you don’t want to marry the kind of girl you can monitor and control incessantly. It’s why you’re dating her. Your girlfriend is a corporate exec. How are you going to monitor her at work? Are you going to resume at her place of work every morning? And you can’t be analysing everything she says like you’re a data application. We all give inaccurate statements about situations. It doesn’t mean we’re lying. We may not just be paying enough attention to details. And this monitoring thing smacks of joblessness really. The amount of energy required to monitor her is rather much. If you can’t trust each other, it can’t work. Relationships are built on trust. Trust is assumed. If both of you are playing each other, it can’t work either. Relationships thrive with sincerity of heart.

You have to work on yourself on this control thing. You’re too controlling. You’re suffocating your partner. You can’t control life. There are too many variables. You’re puny, and you’re a creature of time. The only way to totally control your girlfriend is to destroy her will. But she’ll no longer be the girl you fell in love with.

As we seek to change our partner we ought to bear in mind we may not want to date the outcome. It’s in your interest your girlfriend has independent judgment. You’ll need that analytical ability in situations in your life. But if you smother her and destroy her will, note that you’ll still not be satisfied. You’ll not be satisfied until you totally kill something in her. You’ll then be dating a shadow of the girl you were attracted to. That’s what being controlling gives to us. You date a ghost. If you persist in this path however, what can anyone do? But you’ll lose the girl. You’re going to lose the girl one way or the other. She either walks out on you, or your controlling nature will so dominate her she’s no more herself. Either way, you lose her. A word is enough for the wise. Fools need paragraphs.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

For related letters, search for CAMOUFLAGED DISTRUST, SINCERITY and YOU LOST HER at

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