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You Can’t be Life’s Victim

My dear Jil, my question to you is really quite simple: Do you want to be life’s victim? Of course what he did to you was despicable, and I still don’t understand why guys do that. Why string a girl along and with very active lies build false hope in her about marriage, knowing fully well you plan to marry someone else? It takes a certain kind of lying capacity to string two girls along with the promise of marriage, actively taking marriage steps like visiting their families, and yet have no intention of marrying one or either of the girls. It takes a certain kind of character. It’s appallingly selfish, abominably unnecessary and most destructive. Such behaviour guts the life of the victim. They become life’s carcass, the flesh eaten off their soul. These things destroy other people’s lives – emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes financially and socially. That’s not something one should be responsible for.

The only explanation for that kind of behaviour is evil. It’s the only rational explanation for actively stringing a girl along with false hope, all the while planning to wed another girl. And it’s worse when sex is involved. In some instances, the only reason the girl agreed to sex is because she assumed she was sleeping with her future husband and so sees nothing amiss. Kind of like fast-forwarding events. The girl is thus exercising extreme faith as she throws caution to the wind, secure in the vocalised promises and actions of her so-called boyfriend. The kind of bitterness generated by these sold false hopes is unimaginable. The bitterness goes deep, festers on the inside, spreading through organs. Such bitterness is like bile that’s split in a chicken being dismembered. The whole flesh is tainted with potent bitterness. Some women have been tipped over the rail from such false promise of marriage. They plunge into waters from a great bridge of hope, an illusory bridge made of cotton candy. The lie just shatters something critical in them – shatters something in that part of human anatomy we know nothing about. Some have been known to run mad.

The irony is that the man responsible is often oblivious to the wreckage he has created. He can’t see the shattered porcelain of the girl’s heart on the floor behind him. The human heart is made up of porcelain. It gets easily shattered. It’s why we need to guard our heart. But these guys just move on with their lives. They go on and marry who they desire without as much as a glance backwards. And something deep goes dark inside the woman. The candle dims, life’s vitality is sucked out. The energy reduces in such women though some then power the system with quiet rage and anger. Those who cannot get angry enough, the light in them, their flame becomes afraid of the breeze. It’s constantly under threat of being snuffed out. And so my immediate concern is not the guy who did this to you; it’s you. I’m worried you’re becoming an animated carcass – a mere bone structure with sap.

You have to determine whether after having suffered from matrimonial proposal duplicity you want to move on with your life or not. It’s a decision you have to make because that decision will pretty much determine a whole lot of things in your life going forward. The issue is not a debate about his rightness or wrongness – it’s not about the judgment of the morality of his action. The issue is you – whether you’ll allow this guy’s duplicity destroy you. If you don’t make a qualitative decision about moving on with your life after such a terrible disappointment you will become your life’s prisoner – you can’t escape from yourself. I’m not saying you shouldn’t grieve over the disappointment. You should! If you don’t feel pain, you must be truly extraordinary – a non-human, probably a cyborg. But grieving has to come to an end at some point so you can face the rest of your life. You’re too young to let one disappointment determine the rest of your life. You’re too young to surrender your life to the pain inflicted by another, especially one who has since moved on with his life. Don’t you worry about him. Life has a way of sorting things like this out. And very artistically. Life is interested in justice. Those who live by the sword invariably die by the sword. And not all swords are made of metal. But he’s no longer your concern since he’s moved out of your life. Don’t let his residue linger. No point wishing him evil either or praying for him to have a horrible marriage. You will tie yourself down with such emotional loci. You’ll tether your life.

And stop wasting your life waiting for his marriage to crash so you can marry him and claim back what was rightfully yours. And anyway it’s not wise to claim such a man after such horrendous duplicity. You’ll open yourself to future abuse. He has a major character deficiency marriage can’t cure. You must not allow one man’s character flaw determine the hue of your life. YOUR values must define your life. Please don’t allow this man’s character deficiency turn you into life’s exile. He’s done enough damage as it were with the false promise of marriage. Such men see themselves as “smart.” They consider such ruse smartness. They get the hopes of girls up and then dash them from the heights. What they call “smartness” is actually lack of values and character – insensitivity to a fellow human. “Smartness” without values creates crookedness and lack of character. And what a heady brew this guy concocted. He’s a local brewery engaged in the fermentation of lies. Once intellect is not denominated with values you get crookedness and deceit. Of course, there are consequences for such “smartness.” The first casualty is trust. Character soon becomes unsavoury. It will always attract birds of identical plumage. The unfortunate thing though is that sometimes the innocent get slaughtered in the scheme.

You need to be wise in life. You need to learn to pick up clues, understand nuances and shades. You need to learn to read character. Don’t deceive yourself when emergent facts paint an unflattering picture of the guy dating you. Character is everything. Pick yourself up and move on. It takes a resolution. It requires determination. Time is a great healer, but we must want to be healed. Without a desire to be healed time becomes a memory bank of pain. Put him behind you. Burn mementos. There’s no point keeping things that remind you of him. You’ll break down with memory. And you have to have great faith about your future. You have to believe you’ll meet a worthier man. Your best revenge is a maximised life. Maximise your potential, concentrate on attaining success. Amount to something substantial. With or without him your life has immense worth and value. Don’t ever forget that. A good man will come. You have to believe that. Faith attracts qualities and material quantities. Don’t ask me how it works. It just does. Faith attracts qualities and material quantities. We’ll talk again soon, okay. Stop crying. Wash your face, put on some nice clothes and go out with your friends. There’s more to life than disappointing guys.

Your mentor, LA.

For related letters, search for KNOWING WHEN TO PULL THE PLUG, CUT YOUR LOSSES, WONDERFUL AMNESIA, FORGIVENESS, ANGRY BLACK WOMAN and JIL, MOVE ON! at http://stepheni6.sg-host.com.

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© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

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Tags : heart break, broken-hearted

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