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Read Letter

Dangerous Emotions

My dear Jil, I’ll advise you learn not to incubate ill feelings in your relationship. It can be dangerous in marriage. Why don’t you just call your partner, sit down with him and discuss whatever the issue is? The longer you leave an issue the more it festers. It’s like a pore fungus in a culture dish. It’ll just keep growing and multiplying. And when emotions are layered on a perceived offence you have something serious and potentially dangerous brewing.

What you don’t want is to find yourself constantly meditating on how to hurt your partner for something he did wrong. That’s another gear entirely. Meditating on a wrong will make you start seeking retaliatory opportunity, or you’ll start to feel oppressed. Either can be dangerous in marriage. You shouldn’t let anything build up or pile up in your marriage. If you can’t forego it, discuss it. You may just find out that it’s not as serious as it seemed when you discuss it with your partner; that he didn’t mean it the way you see it. He may even mean well in doing what you deem an offence against you. He might not have meant harm, might be full of good intention. But when suspicion is already embedded in a relationship, everything will be interpreted in the light of that suspicion. You also don’t want to develop a suspicious spirit. That has no limits. It climbs over the barrier of marriage and spills into other relationships.

When grievances pile up in marriage, it can lead to dangerous places. Those piled up grievances are like a keg of gunpowder. All that’s required is a trigger and anything can cause imbalance in the energy system to create fission. The danger in piling up issues and pain is that it can lead to temporary insanity. Humans are not as emotionally stable as they like to imagine. Emotional and mental pressure can create a blowout. It’s what leads to those cases of partner murder. Something triggered a temporary insanity and someone just went berserk. Two minutes of that insanity can create unimaginable carnage – the type history will never forget. It gets circulated on social media and broadcast on TV. It’s a hurricane that wipes out families completely. It will keep hunting the children of the union. In some instances, the children have had to change surname. The old name is too much reference material.

If before marriage you see dangerous traits in your partner don’t discount it. You may not come out of the marriage alive. There’s always a sign – an occurrence, an event, a statement… There’s always some warning. Only we sweep the warning under the rug of our objective. If for example a man is taking you out on a date and while driving someone crosses him and he displays very violent temper that’s a clear warning to you. It’s the other driver today, it will be you tomorrow. He has to channel that temper, that raw emotion. Such things are often taken out on a proximate party.

If a man can’t handle his temper, you may want to think twice about being locked up with such a person in marriage. It can end up disastrous. Same with a woman. Some people just become Hulk when they’re angry. And Hulk does damage – unreasonable and unjustifiable damage in the pursuit of minimal objective. Of course Hulk soon calms down and becomes Bruce Banner. You can’t reconcile the two personalities. One is rational, calm and loving, the other thick headed and green, with a fetish for carnage. We all have a Dr. Hyde hiding there somewhere in our Dr. Jekyll. A constant practice of emotional balance tempers the Hyde in us.

Unreasoning anger is never justified. There’s no justification for dangerous display of anger, especially in a relationship. A hot temper has the potential to incinerate lives. Raw emotion can be a blow torch. Yet life is not barbecue.

Temperament makes us repulsive. For one’s sake there are people one should run away from. If you subject yourself to the license of a temperamental person, in time you soon start changing through reaction. It’s either you’re going to be cowed and become afraid of him; or you’re going to attempt to stand up to him and become who you’re not.

Temper does not respect familial relationship. Ever watched an edition of Orange County Chopper? You see father and son go after each other, sometimes throwing chairs. Temperament just wants to have its way. It’s disrespectful. Many times temper is fed by a desire for dominance, or a desire for exclusive recognition and love. And when there’s a perceived taking for granted, there’s a hot flash. Only that in that hot flash, a marriage can be completely burnt to the ground and all that is left is charred remains. In some instances, you still see the embers glowing after the damage has been done, one party is still simmering with smoke… It’s some sort of justification. Don’t let any man drive you that far. Don’t let any man put rage in you. If it can’t work, better to walk out than kill someone. Once you cross the line with murder, you can’t ever go back again. The line is crossed. It’s a sacred line. Life is sacred.

Relationships can exist without rancour. The hallmark of a good relationship is not fight. I’m not talking about ducking issues or avoiding confrontation on issues in marriage. You’ll find out that with maturity a lot of issues in marriage are really no issues. Many times it’s our petulance on display. But for marriage to be rancour-free both partners must believe there’s no need for fight in the marriage, that things can easily be resolved through communication.

You must be willing to entertain the other person’s point of view, respect the other person’s point of view. There must be mutual respect. Respect your partner. Don’t ride roughshod over him with your will and desire. That can also prove dangerous to a marital union. After many rides he may just wake up one day and decide he’s taken enough. Same applies to women. A man ought to be careful about riding roughshod over his woman. When a man oppresses his woman so much she bears it all in silent pain he may not realise the whole thing is building up pressure. Then comes the explosion. It’s that explosion that makes people wonder how a quiet and gentle soul can be capable of something as heinous as murder, or capable of so much damage. Pay attention to the feelings of your partner in marriage. Feelings are powerful. That you can get away with something in marriage doesn’t mean you should make a habit of doing it. You may just be incubating an unequal and opposite reaction.

We must seek to understand our partner, mind their fears, pay attention to their feelings and wants. But if you’re insensitive in marriage many things will pass you by. You won’t smell the gas building up pressure in your home. And then Gbam! Some people have lost their lives being insensitive in marriage.

Don’t drive your partner to the point of un-care. That’s dangerous territory. No one knows its geography. Don’t take your partner for granted. The cup may be close to full and you don’t know the size of the cup.

Make it a habit to constantly talk things through. I’m not talking about trying to be right. I’m talking about basic expression. You must want your marriage. If that’s missing, all things are possible. You don’t want a devil may care attitude in your partner in marriage. Lessons show parties drive themselves to that point. Think on these things.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

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Tags : Emotions, expressiveness

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