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Read Letter

Knowledge That Passes Understanding

My dear Jack, the concept of a woman is most intriguing. For you to appreciate her you have to step out of that relationship and look at her like a scientist.

A woman is capable of a certain level of loyalty because her emotions are bound in her decisions. Men lack that level of capacity. Which is not saying men can’t be loyal. It’s just that a man’s loyalty is based on a different set of criteria – self-interest and principle. It’s wholly rational. But a woman’s loyalty is different. If she’s with you she’s with you. For the most it takes actively pushing her away, or doing something very hurtful to do away with that loyalty. And so when a woman hitches her wagon to a man, it’s a rather serious thing. Ask any father who does not want his daughter to marry a particular guy. What I’m trying to say is, if you have the loyalty of a woman it’s something to be cherished. It will take much more to get that sense of loyalty from a man. That’s just the way it is. And you can see it in employment scenarios, in religious institutions and orders etc.

When a woman loves a man it’s an all-in proposition. She invests herself. It’s why separation can be difficult and ill-treatment awful. It also explains a certain capacity for endurance. A woman is decisive that way when it comes to relationship. It’s all in, unless her heart is not in it. Even when the boat is sinking she’ll hang in there, hoping for the best, believing for the best. Unless of course it was a quid pro quo transactional relationship. It’s also what makes a woman susceptible to deceit in present continuous tense. And sometimes she won’t even accept obvious facts. A woman thus goes into a relationship in faith. That faith has the character of religion. It’s why she can be sacrificial. Once she believes in you she will sacrifice for you.

Now, what you do with this knowledge is up to you. But there’s the other side, the side you don’t want to see. If you keep treating her badly you’re going to hurt her badly. If you don’t appreciate her enough she’s going to walk out. She’ll feel taken for granted. She’ll feel you don’t know her value. A woman has a pretty good idea what her value is in a man’s life. She invested voluntarily. How many unappreciative men have come home to find the home empty… The woman has moved out. At first they try to brave it but the gap between then and now just keeps yawning wider and wider. She’s no longer there as go to. And those things she used to take care of without fuss or announcement begin to rear themselves. The men soon realise that woman they took for granted was a general manager who kept things going in their lives and at home. She was the silent engine.

It’s important you study the make-up of your woman, and that you work with that knowledge. When a woman bares her soul to you, you’ll find a level of sincerity that puts a heavy onus of responsibility on you. If she puts trust in you that weight of responsibility grows heavier. Some are very careful about reposing trust at first. But as you prove consistent and reliable the trust is given. Some are controlling and in seeking to guard their heart against pain seek to control the relationship and its dimensions. Only that life is too big and humans too puny to regulate the dimensions of life. And so controlling the relationship only breeds more insecurity and challenges. A lot depends on where the woman is coming from, her background, her past experiences, especially from previous relationships. Her parentage too. These are very critical factors you need to acquire understanding about.

Let me give you an idea of her “logic” on a number of things. Those from very stable and sheltered homes tend to want that standard for example. Especially if they had a very responsible father. If you don’t live up to that standard there’ll be internal exclamations. The father is the standard. You’re supposed to conform to that standard. And so she expects you to display the kind of values her father displayed. Which is not necessarily bad. The difference will be your personality. On the other hand if the father was completely irresponsible, she’ll expect you to be a radical departure from that standard. You don’t do things that remind her of her father. If her father was delinquent concerning obligations, don’t be surprised if she takes umbrage at you not paying the electricity bill on time. Truth is, you’re reminding her of what she doesn’t want to be reminded of.

Then there’s that insecurity. You can’t wish that away. You must come to terms with it. And levels of insecurity differ. It’s why she needs constant assurance. The more predictable you are the more assurance you give. That predictability is better anchored on principles. Think of a man being accused of stealing at work and the woman swears without hearing the facts or talking to the husband that he can never do it. Such a man must have been principled and consistent with his principles. His values must be solid. That’s what makes her swear allegiance without knowledge of facts. She needs a degree of predictability from you, and I’m not sure she can articulate it like I’m doing right now, deconstructing it but she needs that predictability. That predictability can be something as constant as when you close from work, or when you’re at the country club. If there’s any deviation from norm it’s advisable to inform her so she keys it in. Women don’t like surprises, except birthday celebration and engagement surprises. It’s why they ask all those questions. It’s why they rely on intuition.

She’ll also want to know the things you value. For example she may find it comforting that you value your family. You see, such values bring a degree of wholesomeness to a marriage. It brings stability of heart and confidence in social gatherings. And it makes her invest in that sector of the marriage more. It’s one more sure thing about you.

The bottom line is, the more responsible you are and the more responsible you prove yourself the more the stability of your home. And you need stability at home as a man. You need peace. You can’t function otherwise. Many overtime workers are men staying away from home for as long as they can. Some spend overtime in taverns.

Of course the routine of predictability can prove boring to a marriage. You do 8-5, drive home in traffic, eat knackered and get ready for the next day… Then the cycle repeats itself. Saturdays are spent quietly with Arsenal, Man U and Man City or whatever club is your flavour. The routinization can make a man feel locked in at times. This has side effect. Which is why you plan family vacations, create a me sanctuary at home, and create time to think… It’s why you spend time with the Boys at the country club… Just to break the monotony. Some men are better adapted to routine of course. A lot depends on personality, emotional and cultural temperament. Between you and your spouse, do what’s best for you. Craft what works for you. Seven Steps To A Successful Marriage might work for some. But not everyone. For some people it’s too much of conformity and routine.

It’s wise to spend time cogitating about your marriage, thinking about your partner, getting insight on her likes and dislikes, her fears and nature… So you know what’s important, so you know what to do and how to be with her. A wise man meditates on his marriage.

It’s important to know your partner, as in know your partner. It’s an inner knowing not a surface reality. Then you can act from a deep place, a place of understanding. As you meditate on your marriage you will have certain depths of understanding, gain insight on how to quell those fears she has. You’ll understand what makes your marriage work.

You can’t let life happen to you. That’s a place of helplessness, and hopelessness. You strive, you work hard. I hope this proves useful.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

The more responsible you are and the more responsible you prove yourself, the more the stability of your home. Click To Tweet
Tags : Appreciation, Sensitivity

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