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Read Letter

Vindictive Purposelessness

My dear Jack, our matrimonial desires are sometimes regulated by our circumstances. As a young bachelor for example two of your most pressing issues will be loneliness and the need for proprietorship. By proprietorship I mean the desire to have someone you can call your own. Your loneliness will make you vulnerable to anyone who’s available. You’re thus prone to any woman who makes herself available in time and attention. You have to be careful about being fated by your situation, allowing your future to be determined by temporary conditions. Your matrimonial decision can’t just be based on ameliorating your physical loneliness. You have to consider other factors.

There are two dimensions to loneliness – there’s physical aloneness and there’s loneliness of the soul. Loneliness of the soul arises when we don’t have someone who gets us, when we don’t have someone we can talk to, someone who can reason with us, has same cultural exposure. If you base your matrimonial choice on ameliorating just physical loneliness you’re bound to have regrets. That’s because the loneliness of your soul is not addressed. When it comes to the issue of loneliness of the soul, all sorts of factors come into consideration, including the temperament of your interest. It’s hard to date a very temperamental person. It’s just hard. The person is like a match box. The relationship will always be threatened by emotional arson. Many times though that temperament is coming from somewhere, from something unresolved in the life of the person. And sometimes it has to do with self-esteem – a feeling of not being appreciated, being underrated. It can be historical as well – coming from a past relationship or from childhood.

Dating a vindictive person is even tougher. It’s a spirit that seeks to injure the other party for a perceived wrong. It’s borderline wickedness. With a vindictive partner there’ll be tit for tat and tat for perceived tit. The response will be incommensurate to whatever the “wrong” is. And when the party has no good opportunity to deliver an injury she will incubate and nurture the pain and resentment. Until an opportune time arrives. If you mix that concoction with pride you have a very potent brew. That relationship can’t work however you try. You’re going to have a lot of pain. And so you can’t base your matrimonial choice on just the fact you’re feeling alone and therefore go for whoever is available. You still have to check if the available person is right for you. And you can’t base your choice on just physical parameters. That’s always proven short-sighted. You have to consider temperament and spirit as well.

If the person you’re considering dating is vindictive, retaliation will be the order of the day. And it will be amped retaliation – of a certain order of magnitude. In marriage, it’s dangerous for parties to seek to injure each other emotionally. Disputes will always be escalated. No one will be looking for amicable resolution. The spirit of retaliation will hold sway. The couple will become injurious to each other. Offences will be stored until opportune moments – moments considered most auspicious for carrying out emotional injury. It’s a matter of time before that kind of marriage dissolves into vindictive purposelessness. That’s a euphemism for wicked aspiration. Avoid a partner with vindictive spirit.

Based on the foregoing, I will ask you to re-examine your considerations. The first lady will prove a difficult partner because of her temperament, the second will injure your soul. She’s vindictive. You can’t afford to cross her. She’s going to seek to wound you, attack your most vulnerable spot.

Sometimes, we’re confronted with two choices that are really no choices but we imagine we must make a choice from the two. No. There’s a third option. It’s called no choice. It’s best to wait for the right person. Marriage is not a six month program. The calendar stretches unimaginably into the future. It consumes your life. You want to make sure you marry someone who loves you. Be sure the person you propose to marry loves you. Love is a euphoric concoction that sweetens the inner belly.

When someone loves you, you have a knowing on the inside of you. You know it’s not a commercial arrangement – as in what can I get out of this kind of arrangement. That’s not love, that’s a transaction. Love thinks of the other person, gives consideration to the other person. Love cares about the other person, genuinely. There’s sincere affection. Love watches out for the other person, defends the other person. Love gives to the other person. Love just gives. Love is proactive concerning the other person, thinks ahead about the welfare and happiness of the other person. Love wants the other person to be okay. Which is why I doubt a vindictive person can truly love. He or she will be thinking of doing injury to the other party for perceived slights. That can’t be love. God help you if the vindictive partner has low self-esteem. There will be incubation of offences, which will lead to emotional lashings. Those lashings will be like lightning strike – highly unpredictable and random. It’s because angst is incubated. The cup became full and poured over. A very tiny cup for that matter.

The danger of basing a matrimonial decision on mere fulfilment of physical loneliness is that once you marry, the loneliness is assuaged. Now you’re faced with the marriage. You must consider temperament and character when it comes to matrimonial pairing. You can’t satisfy a temperamental person in marriage. It’s not about you it’s a state of mind. That angry state of mind is a constant. Most times it’s just simmering under.

A vindictive person is seeking political leverage in a relationship. The relationship thus becomes a hegemonic contest. In order to gain short term control there must be wickedness. You need passive peace in a relationship. You don’t want to have to constantly worry about the wicked capabilities of your partner.

You have to think long term when you think of marriage. You can’t afford to be short-sighted in mentality. If your partner has a disposition you have to ask yourself whether you can live with that disposition in marriage. If she’s temperamental can you survive that temper on a constant basis? You have to ask yourself. What you choose to ignore in courtship has a knack for showing up in marriage. And some people don’t want to change. It doesn’t matter your forbearance, or what you say or how many counselling sessions you have. Some people enjoy their negative disposition. It gives them power. You’re wasting your time trying to change such people. You’re wasting your life. And so you can’t use your life to sort out other people’s lives. That’s a messianic complex you’re taking on. You don’t marry someone with a view to changing a person. Life bears witness it’s a fruitless marital endeavour. We are who we are. As long as a person is an adult, life assumes he or she is old enough to make determinations about his or her life and character.

And so if you deem neither of these two ladies good for you why don’t you wait for the right person. There should be no compulsory choice concerning marriage. Your decision making shouldn’t be compulsive either. So take your time in choosing the right partner, someone good for you. If it doesn’t fit don’t force it. I hope this clears things up a little.

Your mentor, LA


© Leke Alder |

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Tags : Loneliness, Choosing

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