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Read Letter

He Leaked My Nudes

My dear Jil, you’re about to nail yourself to the cross and you shouldn’t. We all make mistakes, each one of us without exception. Yes, some mistakes are more terrible than others; but we have to just accept our mistakes and live by the consequences sometimes. Of course that’s not easy but you must determine to live it down.

You dated a lout thinking you were dating an honourable guy. You gave him extreme trust. Nothing wrong with that, except you gave your trust to a wrong party. The guy is a pig, pardon my expression, but that’s literal, literary and metaphorical. He’s one of those who’ll rather wallow in dirt. It’s his natural habitat. You shouldn’t have taken those nudes with him. His loutish nature doesn’t mind exposing even himself when you refused to yield to blackmail. He’s also in those pictures. See why he’s porcine? But it’s done it’s done! You’re not the first in this situation, you won’t be the last. Yes, people will talk, but they soon move to other distractions.

Travel out for some time until things diffuse a bit. You’re not the worst sinner. Everybody sins. Some are just unfortunate to get exposed. It all boils down to the foolishness of youth. Those on Big Brother have done worse and they live it down. Use that as your paradigm. You shouldn’t take your life because of this lout. That will not be right. He’s had his moment, don’t give him eternity. The man that will love you will love you despite that mistake, even for it. Anyway the whole thing will soon fade from non-stubborn memory. It’s a matter of time. There are enough problems in life to keep us occupied. And what can you do? The mistake is made. Live the rest of your life. Don’t let that mistake define how far you go in life. Take it on. You shouldn’t live in shame the rest of your life.

You can even choose to take it head on by advocating on the issue using your personal story. If you’re consistent and feisty about the subject matter, society will applaud you. You can create a movement. When society sees you fight back they will support you. He’s the one who should be ashamed for violating trust, not you. And if the nudes linger in certain memories, what can you do? It’s not your hard disk or random access memory. It’s the problem of those retaining the data. But you go ahead and make the most of your life. Choose to become somebody he will regret treating badly.

A loving guy will come. There are men who don’t even care for such. There are men who see past the foolishness of youth and go for the loving woman before them. When a man truly loves you such things won’t matter. He’ll defend your honour and be proudly your husband. There are men looking for women who will trust them implicitly, because of the kind of men they are. They themselves are trustworthy. Ten, twenty years from now when you have become accomplished, who will care about some nudes? So you made a mistake of youth, so what? Live it down! Face your life.

There’s nothing wrong with trusting a man. Just make sure it’s the right man. Make sure he has values. It all boils down to nobility. Trust becomes misplaced when you give it to an ignoble man, a man without values. A man without values can’t understand the word, “trust.” He’ll treat it like a pig does expensive jewellery. Going forward don’t date a guy you can’t trust. It’s unnecessary exposure. Trust is demonstrated by character. You will know a trustworthy fellow by his comportment and affirmation of values. There are things he won’t do, there are things he can’t do. He holds himself up to higher standards. He’s noble.

A trustworthy fellow will rather swear to his own hurt than seek to hurt you. Your secrets are safe with him, even after break up. He’ll value your friendship and memory, cherish the moments. With or without marriage that trust will subsist. He won’t change character. It’s him. He’ll always have regard for you, preserve memories of your role in his life. But a loutish fellow? He’s all about himself. He’s very selfish and self-centred. He’ll view you more as a conquest. In a relationship, he’ll seek to use you. A lout has no shame. There are no boundaries. He’s capable of all sorts. He’ll betray even his friends. He thinks only for the moment, never thinks about the future.

A lout’s loyalty is limited to now. And it’s limited to what he can get. If your fortune changes he abandons you. A lout is exploitative. All he thinks about is what he can get from you, what he can take from you, not what he can give. Once you’ve had sex with a lout your value deflates. And he’ll treat you as such. You’ll see it in his attitude. Next. And a lout is manipulative. He’ll tell you the proof of your love for him is sex and taking care of him. He never has any responsibility towards you. It’s all about what he can take from you.

There are guys that are not worth your love and affection. It’s wasted on them. They won’t recognise value in red attire. And so you have to be careful who you bestow trust and affection on. Not everyone is worth it. Trust is about character.

Get on with your life. The worst has happened hasn’t it? The pictures are out. You have to be brave about it. Concentrate on the things that matter. Don’t let this guy consume your life. Truth is, the whole thing is neither here nor there anyway. Not for your generation. Doesn’t mean you should distrust every man. Not all men are loutish. There are many men with solid character who are looking for exactly what this guy threw away. And he’s just vindictive. Can’t bear losing you. All the benefits are gone. No more borrowings for example.

This will not change your parents’ affection for you, or your sisters’ affection. They know you. You made a terrible mistake that’s all. You have to learn how to pick up yourself in life. You’re still going to make other mistakes. When you make a mistake, acknowledge it and move on. Don’t dwell on it. Just move on. There’s more life ahead of you than behind you. You’re young. You have mountains to conquer, terrains to traverse, rivers to wade, hills to scale. Concentrate on the future not on the mistakes of the past. Who hasn’t made a grievous error he or she later regrets? Yes, it’s painful to make those mistakes but we move on. Move on with your life. He that is without sin let him cast the first stone. Life is bigger than the social locality your accuser occupies. No one can make a travesty of your future if you refuse to allow. They can try but they won’t succeed.

Don’t let this guy determine your future, or determine where you can or cannot go, who you can or cannot talk to. That’s giving a lout too much power. He doesn’t understand life; he doesn’t realise as he tried to brand you he branded himself. Nobody will trust him again. And he’s the one full of bitterness. Don’t let him fill you with his substance. Fight back by going after your future. Don’t let him fill you with bitterness and regret.

So what do you say to that other guy who’s been interested in you since secondary school? Seems like a decent guy. He’s solid, has always been there for you as a friend; you know he cares about you and genuinely wants you. And he’s not fooling around. He seems unfazed by all this. Even with all the drama he’s still making protestations of love to you. This is a solid guy! And he’s got a good job. He’s going somewhere obviously. Seems like he’ll make a good dad to your kids. If he wants to date you despite everything I think you should give him a chance. It may or may not work out but at least give him a chance to take you to dinner. That he’s inviting you out in the circumstance is an affirmation of your womanhood and character. Tells you those who care, care. And those who don’t care a fig don’t care a fig about what this guy did! It will pass. As do all these things. There are worse incidents in life. And the victims survived. You’ll survive. Give it some time.

As per your mum and dad just call them and tell them you’re sorry. Their love is constant. You’ll always be their girl. The parents will sort themselves out at Ikoyi Club. It’s not going to go down well in those circles, what he did. Someone’s going to confront his parents. There’s going to be passive confrontation too. It’s going to be accredited to his upbringing.

Sit down and write out your life goals. That should be your focus now. And go after those goals with all you’ve got, just as you did when you got your scholarship.

It doesn’t matter. That’s a phrase you have to get used to in life. And it won’t matter if you hold on to that phrase. Life will acknowledge.

We’ll talk again soon. Let me know how you’re doing.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

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Tags : ashamed, nudes, leaked nudes

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