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My dear Jack, ever heard of the word “tergiversation”? The word “tergiversation” means evasion of straightforward action or clear cut statement. You’re tergiversating concerning this young lady. You’re evading the question of commitment to her and you’re not straightforward concerning her status. You’re like the octopus. You’re polluting the water with inky blackness to facilitate escape.

You’ve got to make up your mind about who you want to date. You’re dating two girls essentially. Someone’s going to be disappointed. There’s even a possibility both will be hurt.  When it pleases you, you suspend one relationship and activate the other. When there’s an issue in the activated relationship you reverse course. You’ve been dating this other girl for five years now. Why don’t you make up your mind what you want. Do you want her or not? The longer you leave that decision the worse things are going to get. You forget you’re dealing with somebody’s life and hope. In not being definitive about the relationship you’re stringing the young lady’s life along. There’s a high possibility you’ll dash her hopes. Then you have this other young lady. Apparently you started dating her two years ago without breaking with your on again off again girlfriend.

As far as your original girlfriend is concerned the cycle of breaking and getting back together is norm. That’s the reality she’s known. Your protestations of love never diminished. But over the past two years you’ve secretly introduced another woman into the mix. For the past two years therefore you’ve been dating two women, like you’re some alternating current. And it’s most unfortunate you have a utilitarian approach towards women. It’s why you cross-compare what your alternate girlfriends can do for you. You’re like the chess master, masterfully moving two lives across the chequered board of life.

And your scheme was in cruise control until your sister started making threatening phone calls in support of your original girlfriend to your new girlfriend. Even worse your original girlfriend is now threatening the other girl for trying to snatch her man, not knowing it was all your design. The girl is innocent. Why are you then surprised your new girlfriend challenged you. Your phone has all the evidence. You have current photographs of you and your old girlfriend. Those photographs are not shy about intimacy. What is troubling is that you told your new girlfriend those photographs of you and your old girlfriend mean nothing. So what means anything to you!

You’re childish and immature about your approach to the whole thing. You’re joking with women’s emotions. That’s volatile and combustible material you’re playing with. You’re right there in the middle feeling cool about the fact two girls are vying for your affection. But the 16-wheeler trailer you’re in has a “Highly inflammable” sign on it. You’re not a light switch. Why is your relationship on today, off tomorrow and on the next day?

But here’s something you’re apparently unaware of: the exposure of your double-dating has absolutely gutted one of the two girls. At the rate you’re going you’re going to make someone very bitter. Please stop equivocating. Just make up your mind who you want to date. Learn to commit.

You’re never ever going to get the perfect woman. There’s nothing like that. But you can get the perfect woman for you. The quest for the perfect woman is a non directional quest. But the quest for the perfect woman for you has direction. The computational dynamics of getting the perfect woman ensures it’s a non attainable quest. There are too many parameters and variables. But the computational dynamics of getting a perfect woman for you has limited parameters. So it’s attainable. It’s tied to your wants and desires.

If you continue to take a utilitarian approach to relationship matters, defining women by their usefulness to the service of your needs the women you date are going to feel used. When a woman has put a lot of effort into a relationship and nothing comes out of it she feels used. More so when demands were made on her. I think you think this relationship thing is a joke. I don’t think you realise what you’re playing with. You’re embittering two women.

Of course it plays to your ego two women are vying for your affection, but what you’ve managed to do is confuse yourself. It’s why you can’t make up your mind who to stick with. You’re confused. You’ve managed to confuse yourself. The two girls are equally confused about your actions. On the one hand you have a woman who’s invested five years in you. On the other hand you have another woman who’s poured in her emotions for two years believing your relationship was exclusive. Your family wasn’t even aware of the new girl until late. It’s why your sister is threatening the other woman. She thinks she’s a recent phenomenon. She doesn’t realise you’ve been with her for two years.

You’ll have to learn something called contentment in life. You have to learn to make do with what you have and be grateful for it. At some point the search for a partner must end. It can’t continue after you’ve made a choice. Or else choice means nothing. Doesn’t mean you won’t meet a woman more beautiful than your wife after marriage; but you’ve made a choice, stick with it. Remember there’s nothing called the perfect woman. Who determines the parameters? Just as there’s nothing called the perfect man. Who defines the parameters? Needs are subjective. What we deem best for us as per marriage partner comes from a combination of facts, exposure, histories and cultural conditioning.

The definition of beauty varies from culture to culture, and it varies from demographic subset to demographic subset. What is critical to one demography may not be critical to another. What you should be looking for in a relationship is wholesomeness. You don’t want physical parameters to blind you to what’s truly important. Character matters in a relationship. That’s not saying physical beauty doesn’t matter. But it soon wears thin with over-familiarity in marriage. The things that titillate us often obey the law of demand and supply. When we don’t have access to something the value is high. Once we have constant access the value decreases. But character is not subject to those vagaries. It tends to be constant. You want to watch for character when choosing a spouse. Character matters. Values matter.

The values of your spouse will determine many things in your marriage. Faithfulness, hard-work, discipline, honour, respect integrity, honesty, contentment, sincerity… These are critical values in marriage. Once you subtract values from life the rules of life become predatory. You’re not exhibiting good values concerning these women. There’s no honesty, there’s no sincerity of heart, there’s no honour, there’s no nobility.

I’m worried about this lack of values not just with respect to these two young women but also in terms of other aspects of your life. You’re being duplicitous. That duplicitous capacity is not just applicable to the case at hand, you’re in danger of duplicity becoming you. But the world calls duplicity “smartness.” And therein lies the problem. Lack of values is not smartness. It’s still coming back to haunt you. If you go about life deceiving people you’re sooner or later going to reap what you sowed. At some point the deceiver becomes the deceived.

We don’t call things by their proper names anymore. Yet a thief is a thief, a liar is a liar, a duplicitous fellow is a duplicitous fellow. It’s really up to you what you want to become. But we become without knowing especially when values are absent.

Don’t breed false hope in a woman. Just make up your mind what you want. Stop hanging lives in the balance.

Think on these things.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

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Tags : double dating, the perfect woman

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