My dear Jil, the problem some people have, which tendency you’re exhibiting, is that they don’t want to take responsibility for their lives. You must take responsibility for your life, and one critical area you have to take responsibility is in the area of marriage. “X told me not to marry you” is actually as bad as “Y told me to marry you.” You’re not taking responsibility for your life. And so when you push a critical decision like your choice of marriage partner to me I have to push back. You’ve got to take responsibility for your life.
Whoever you choose to marry you’ll live with. No one will be in that marriage with you. So take responsibility for your peace and long-term happiness. All I can do is give you guidance. All I can do is share principles with you. It’s up to you how you apply those principles, or whether you even apply them.
Your philosophy of life influences your marriage decision. Your self-esteem also has a great bearing on your choice of marriage partner. The lower the sense of self the more amenable to rubbish dished out. A low sense of self makes us voyeur on inanities, makes us self-celebrate nonsense. Which is why you’re happy you’re “the main chick” to this gentleman. You must have negotiated yourself down to accept such honorific title from yourself. Of course when you marry you’ll convert “Wife” into a chieftaincy title as well. Then you’ll be saying you’re “the wife” in the face of onslaught of multiple side chicks. My most hearty congratulations to you on your self-appointment as “main chick” in a polyamorous complex. Congrats!
Of course I don’t expect you to complain he’s chasing other women after your marriage since you’re “the main chick” now. You can’t be the main the main without other contenders. And so we should expect the pattern to continue. I also want to assume you’ve negotiated away fidelity in your relationship and eventual marriage. Main chicks must accept infidelity as a matter of course. The title assumes partner infidelity. Again we expect this to continue in marriage. You’re like a woman in a harem who’s happy she’s the toast of the moment. Until the man brings in another toast of the moment. Then you’re toast.
You have enough warning about this guy so you can’t complain in marriage. You can’t say you were beguiled or that you weren’t in the know. You’re indeed his enabler. When he has messed up and down he comes to you bearing a token, telling you you’ll always be his main chick, and of course you feel special. He gives you verbal junk in exchange for the most important components in a relationship – fidelity and trust. It doesn’t occur to you that such a man at some point will soon tire of your boring willingness to accept whatever he throws at you. You’ll be boring. He needs constant excitement.
In all honesty do you see your marriage to this man lasting ten years? In all honesty do you see yourself happily married to him? By calling yourself the “main chick” you’re proclaiming your limitless capacity to accept serial and compounded infidelity even in marriage. Do you honestly have that capacity? Or you imagine, as many have attempted before you that you can contain and control his wild oats capacity after marriage? Do you honestly imagine you can contain this gentleman? Aren’t you by this designation, “main chick” making a life time subscription to unhappiness and heartache after marriage? When you become the laughing stock in town let me see you celebrate yourself as main chick!
And why does your boyfriend need to give you money at the end of every month? What’s the idea behind it? Doesn’t that erode something? Why are you collecting monthly stipend from him? I can’t understand that. Occasional presents, yes, but monthly stipend? Doesn’t that gratuitously misdefine you?
This boyfriend of yours is an acting big man. He’s spending wildly above his means. He’s actually borrowing to finance a lurid and torrid lifestyle. How does that even make sense! And knowing that he’s borrowing money from work you still keep taking money from him. Don’t you realise you’re collecting credit facility. You’ll repay in marriage. As it is he can’t balance. He’s spent his salary for the next six months in advance. And on what? Nonsense! This guy is not just a marriage risk, he’s a finance risk as well. And so are you. How’s he going to pay back the loan? And the loan you took from the loan he took, how are you going to pay back? Do you even intend to repay? Isn’t such gift a carrot that makes you pay no heed to the hide whacking your behind? People have been known to stay in unhealthy relationships attached to carrots – inconsequential gifts they can buy for themselves. All because they want to be considered special.
You imagine you’re dating a rich boyfriend but in actual fact you’re dating a pauper who wildly spends above his means and has no sense of financial responsibility. By the way, he sends money to different girls every month. This guy is both sower and parable. One can reasonably assume he’s sleeping with all those other women he sends money to every month. In other words, he’s divvying up his salary for tenured sex. Boy, you really chose a man to marry!
This guy borrows money to impress girls, lodges girls in hotels on borrowed funds. Is he trying to re-enact the story of the prodigal son? Only unlike the prodigal son his father is not rich. The prodigal son blew his father’s fortune, he didn’t borrow to have sex with girls. In other words your magnificent boyfriend is consuming his future on wanton lust. He applies for loan for rent, ostensibly to make preparation to marry you, bundles that with his housing allowance and goes hotel hunting for torrid sex. There’s thus no movement towards your marriage. The rent is gone, spent on other chicks to which you’re the main chick! And your boyfriend is an inveterate liar. He’s got to be given all his commitments to many women. And when you catch him preparing to sleep with yet another woman you cry all day. I don’t get it, I thought you were the main chick! Why are you crying? The guy has even graduated to sleeping with prostitutes. Are you the main chick to those prostitutes as well? Not sure the prostitutes think they’re in competition with you.
What foolishness has assailed you? Don’t you have adults who can knock sense into you? You’re embarking on a terrible adventure dating this guy. This gentleman is going to graduate into fraud with his spending profile. He works in a financial institution but doesn’t seem to know the difference between credit and personal money. He spends both ingratiatingly. He doesn’t know the value of money. If you earned it, you don’t blow it anyhow. Why? Because you earned it.
This guy can’t handle money. It’s so obvious. What’s going to happen when you marry? Can’t you see debt coming out of every orifice in your body when you marry? The borrowings will be uncontrolled. Your then husband will be seeking to plug many fleshly channels. He’s going to dissipate his earnings. It’s up to you whether you want to go into this sort of marriage. But you’ve had a fair warning.
He earns well for his level but he’s frittering everything away. He doesn’t have any savings! Most of his income goes on debt servicing and carnal recurrent expenditure. Why don’t you talk sense into yourself? The auguries don’t look good about this union. Shouldn’t you be concerned about your health too? This guy pokes anything in skirt, trousers or wrapper. And he lacks discretion. It’s why he broadcasts all those spendings. It’s why he broadcasts his salary on social media. He needs to impress. If he thinks he’s an achiever at this level I wonder what his definition of achievement is.
But I don’t think he’s the problem, I think you are. You need to examine your own values and your sense of worth. You imagine yourself the “main chick” but for all you know there’s another girl somewhere harbouring the same delusion. It’s a fake exclusive title. There can’t be anything exclusive about it. As main chick, you’re in some undeclared competition with rivals you’re not even aware of. The rules of the competition are not even defined.
It’s really up to you. It’s your life, it’s your future. But I do wish you common-sense. This is a common-sense issue.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com
A low sense of self makes us voyeur on inanities, makes us self-celebrate nonsense. Click To Tweet