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Read Letter

Rushed Considerations

My dear Jack, you can’t know someone in the space of two months. It’s just impossible. There are layers to humans. It’s therefore not advisable to make a marriage commitment to someone in a space of just two months. You hardly know the person. That’s not saying marriages contracted within two months can’t work, it’s just that the success of that marriage is largely dependent on the inherent character of the people, as opposed to adequate knowledge of partner.

You have to understand people present themselves according to objective. And so if a lady desires to marry you she’ll present herself accordingly. Which means she’ll show interest in your interests even if your interests don’t interest her. Her objective is to show you she likes you. She’ll show you care and concern because the objective is to show she’s caring and loving. People present themselves according to objective. It’s therefore not what that person does when she’s with you that matters, it’s what she is outside your presence that counts. If she’s very considerate and caring around you but rude and self-centred beyond you, better believe the latter. That’s the person. You need to gather information on who the person is when she’s not with you. That’s the real person. Whatever she is around you is designed for your consumption. It’s to influence your thinking, impression and decisions.

We’re fundamentally who we are. And so if fundamentally she’s a nasty person but acts all coy around you, go with your knowledge of the fundamental to make a decision. It’s the fundamental you’re eventually going to live with. And that’s how people get nasty surprises, why it seems a partner changed right after marriage. The person never changed you just bought into an act. And people can keep an act going for long, until they achieve their objective. If you’re observant you’ll see the mask drop once or twice. When that happens believe what you see.

Some people are fundamentally kind and loving however. It’s who they are and you can see it in everything they do. It’s what they’re about. Kind and caring people tend to be selfless and considerate. They’re also sacrificial in their approach to relationship. They watch out for their partner, put their partner first. May you be lucky to date such. But some people are fundamentally selfish and self-centred. It’s always about what they can get, what they can extract. They think in extractions. For such people, a relationship is a demand and supply equation. They’ll never expend their resources on their partner. If they do, it’s all calculated.

There are those who are calculating in everything. Everything they do is a calculation. There’s always an objective, a premeditated plan. They can’t think out of that paradigm. That kind of erodes sincerity and honesty in a relationship.

We all want sincere affection not calculated affection that is measured out in tea spoonfuls, and when there’s a dollop, there’s concern. Calculating people tend to watch what you do to determine what their response will be in a relationship. They’re very calculating. No sincerity whatsoever.

On the nasty end of the character spectrum are three tiers. There are those that are vindictive. There are those who are wicked. And there are those who are evil, just pure evil. You’re not going to have a loving relationship with a vindictive, wicked or evil person. Everything they do will reflect character. The tender mercies of the wicked is cruelty. You don’t want to be in a relationship with a vindictive, wicked or evil person. You can’t afford to offend them. Unfortunately there’ll always be offences in a relationship. You’re bound to offend your partner one way or the other. Married to a vindictive person there’ll be episodic lashings, severe episodic lashings.

These character traits are not immediately obvious to us for many reasons. For one, the negatively resourced partner is trying her best to present a good front. It’s almost like masking. You can’t see through her nature because a mask is applied.

The second reason we don’t easily apprehend character is because our desire blinds us. That vision produced by our desire becomes an ideal we focus on, it’s all we can see or feel. We’re living in a delusory world. Feelings are powerful. The daydreaming of love can blind you to character. And when you’re in that mood the particular person of interest is just a variable. Can actually be anyone. That’s how much the feeling of love can blind. The gratitude of even finding someone you feel is the right person will blind you to presented facts. You’ll explain everything away. You’ll feel your character can handle any negative in your partner. And that’s a lie. If you’re dating a cantankerous person for example, you may feel it’s going to be okay in marriage since you always do the apologising, even when she’s clearly in the wrong. Until you get into the marriage.

The third thing that blinds us to people’s character is the physical attribute of our love interest. Someone can be so attractive we’re ready to negotiate away peace just to have proprietary rights to that beauty. It inflates the ego, confers boasting rights. You must know yourself enough as a man to know you can and do get carried away with beauty and attractiveness.

Women tend to focus on beauty while men are prone to attractiveness. It’s why men and women can’t agree on whether an actress is beautiful or not. It’s not as if beauty is not powerful to men but attractiveness is stronger for men. It’s why men make certain gaffes of affection. A man can be attracted to poisoned chalice. Attractiveness is powerful. Some of it is based on pheromones, some on personality, some on confidence and poise… It’s hard to pin down exactly what the constituent elements of attractiveness are and in what quantities. And some people are beautiful and attractive at the same time, but both qualities don’t always domicile together.

I’m just saying be real with yourself as a man. Attractiveness is quite powerful. Acknowledge the fact. And so the forces, internal and external that hit you as a man when you’ve just met someone you like can be overwhelming. The fact of a woman being interested in you can send you into apoplexy, or induce verbal incontinence. But don’t ever forget that attractiveness is instant but character is revealed. It’s why you don’t make a marriage commitment in two months. That’s a bit rushed. Very rushed. In time you’ll know. In time you’ll discover. In time we reveal who we really are. It sometimes takes a crisis or disagreement to reveal who we really are to our partner, especially when our partner is in trouble.

You have to be wary of women targeting you. As a good and generous man you’re a legitimate target. Same thing goes for women, especially successful women. There are guys who target successful women. You have to come to an objective analysis of the character of your love interest. You can’t do that in the early heady days. And there’s a lot you need to find out. You should at least wonder about motivation. You want someone who truly loves you.

This may sound weird but there’s that knowing on the inside of you if someone truly loves you and cares about you. It’s not an external knowledge, it’s inside. There’ll be that nudge of assurance in your guts, almost like something clicking with a dull thud. When you know someone doesn’t truly love you, you shouldn’t go into marriage with that person. The person may be after you for ulterior motives. It’s why you don’t allow your desperation to choose a spouse for you. You’re most likely going to take a rushed decision. You shouldn’t marry desperately. You’ll make compromises that resurrect themselves after marriage. And you in particular have to be careful about being set up with pregnancy. You’re well-connected, doing well financially and therefore viable husband material. Don’t let anyone rush you into marriage. Work with your own timetable, not someone else’s calendar. Which is what sometimes makes a relationship between a younger man and older woman difficult. There’s the issue of timetable. She may be fully ready and he’s not. Which of course leads to frustration with him. He feels rushed, she feels frustrated.

Bottom line, don’t rush into marriage. It’s contracted by the utterance of “I do” but is not invalidated by saying, “I don’t.” There’s a contrived process involved, and it’s sometimes protracted.

Be a little wary about this woman rushing you for marriage. You’ve only just met her. Yeah, it makes you feel wanted as a man, especially considering the fact she’s attractive, but you need to be wise. Why the rush?! Even if she’s the most wonderful person in the world, it’s still good to know each other before marriage.

As to those other issues you raised I’ll answer them later. I need to go.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Don’t allow your desperation to choose a spouse for you. Click To Tweet Attractiveness is instant but character is revealed. Click To Tweet People present themselves according to objective. Click To Tweet
Tags : Life partner, Marriage

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