My dear Jil, I’m so sorry for the state of your marriage. It’s rather unfortunate that things have turned out this way. It’s one of those mistakes in life, and you already acknowledged you made a huge mistake. You made a mistake marrying him. And now it’s become an abusive relationship. He’s taken to battering you. That takes the issue to another level entirely.
The battering will affect you on two levels. First there’s the physical pain and trauma. He’s trying to beat you into submission. He’s employing the use of pain. Those wounds will heal, can heal. But psychological wounds don’t heal easily. This man is battering your subconscious. There are women who keep having nightmares from all the battering they received in marriage. Wife abuse is horrible. It makes you fearful and defensive. It either cows your spirit, or raises your defensive antennae so high you can’t relate to people easily. Then there’s that fear. Abuse instils fear into you, and there are two types of that fear – defensive and offensive. Fear is a tormentor.
I wouldn’t want to tell you to stay or pack out but in my head I’m thinking, if this were my daughter I’m coming with a van to pack her luggage. Wife battering is terrible. I’m surprised your family hasn’t prevailed on you to end this marriage. This man is going about damaging you unrelentingly. A more compelling reason for you to act is the fact you’re now worried for your life. Once your life is threatened you should get out of a marriage. Unless of course you’ve found the formula for resurrection.
You shouldn’t stay in a marriage that threatens your life. And in these kinds of situations death can come so easily, and so unexpectedly. It’s totally out of your control. One deranged instance of rage and you’re gone, killed. His remorse isn’t going to bring you back from the grave. And you shouldn’t confuse his remorse at murdering you for repentance or expression of love. He might just be regretting he’s going to be hung. Don’t listen to those who insist you must stay in an abusive marriage. They’re not the ones being battered. They don’t bear the wound. Trust me, if it’s their daughter the story will change. It’s always like that. Easy to theologise when it’s not proximate to you.
Please don’t say you’re staying in this abusive marriage for the sake of the children. My mummy loves me but she’s dead is an oxymoron. And one of your kids is too young to know or even understand what’s going on. The one under five can’t register a memory. You’re not staying for him. Children watching their mother being pulverised by their father is not an ideal family portrait. It’s horrible home video. Being constantly exposed to videography of your mother being beaten up by your dad cannot be salutatory to healthy upbringing. It does something to the psyche. You don’t want your boys thinking it’s okay for a man to batter his wife. And you don’t want your daughter thinking so either. Or taking a hardened position on men and marriage.
You shouldn’t joke with your life. A man who batters his wife is a potential murderer. And we don’t want to experiment with your life to see whether he can withhold himself from just killing you. Who knows when he’ll cross the green line! Your death terminates all your hopes and dreams. And the hopes and joys of your parents. Don’t stay in an abusive marriage. No one who leads his daughter to the altar wants to escort her to the morgue. If you die from this marriage even your parents will suffer.
You shouldn’t go into a marriage young, fresh and vibrant, full of life and sap, and exit it prematurely in a cold and unfeeling wooden casket. That will break the heart of any parent. It will either get so broken that it renders your dad comatose, or it will make him want to seek revenge. Yet nothing can bring you back from the dead. Which is why I’m surprised your parents have allowed this to go on. They’re probably of that old school that once you’ve gone to “your husband’s house” you shouldn’t come back home. Which means they expect you and your husband to resolve your issues. But such philosophy is laden with assumptions. A lot of assumptions. Those assumptions don’t envisage a daughter will be fearful for her life in marriage. Once a marriage descends into abuse the marriage moves from civil union to civil war. There are always casualties in war.
I know you’re worried about your kids, and wondering how you’ll survive. He’s banned you from working. But those things will be sorted out when you make a resolution. Are you saying if this man does not exist you won’t take care of yourself and your kids? Exactly! You can’t keep subjecting yourself and your kids to such an abusive culture. That’s a horrible environment to bring up kids. Unless you relish becoming a news item leave this marriage before he kills you. Call your parents and let them know what’s going on, not with a bid to resolution but for their support about your leaving. As per your kids the worst that can happen is you distribute them to friends and family. It’s an interim measure till you sort things out. If you have to move back to your parents’ house, do. Until things are sorted out. But keep a safe distance from this abusive fellow.
The main thing you need is a job. Start looking for a job now. If business is your inclination start thinking of how to raise some capital. You just need to start. There’s always a way out of a horrible marriage despite the challenges posed from starting all over again. The way out for you shouldn’t be through the corridor of the mortuary.
There are many support groups for abused women online. Search for one and join. If you’re fearful join under a pseudonym. You need a support group. And you can report to the state. Law enforcement agencies will be deployed. But you also need therapy. You need to see a counsellor or therapist. Being battered for so long does enormous damage to the psyche. It will either age you, make you tired, or turn you into an animal. If you can’t afford a therapist go to a church for counselling and support. And I’m not talking about those churches with ideological aversion to quitting a horrible marriage. You can’t convince marriage ideologues you need to get out of a dangerous marriage. They won’t listen, can’t even understand. They have a jaundiced frame of reference. It’s your life. Do everything to guard it. Don’t go for death certificate because some people imagine divorce must not be condoned. Who made them approving authority for death sentence? If you have to raise money to see a therapist do. You need healing. The healing of the soul takes time.
Go to your children’s school and let them know what’s happening. Talk to the principal. Tell the school you’re trying to work out issues concerning the children’s tuition. Explain the situation to them. Dealing with an abusive husband after separation can be very tricky. Some fight viciously for the custody of the kids. Contact your lawyer and apply for custody immediately. You can be sure he’s going to try and use the kids to punish you. You should get ready for that.
You have to explain things to your kids. They’re not dumb. Talk to them as adults not idiots. Your marriage situation has hastened their growth. Constantly talk to your kids. Carry them along. Straighten out the concept of fatherhood in their mind, and how a man ought to treat a woman. Yes, it’s going to be tough. But children appreciate such situations. How many adults have you heard giving praise to their mum for being strong through the years. And don’t go into regret mode. Just move on with your life. You made a mistake, you made a mistake. Wishing you had not married him won’t solve anything. That’s past tense. You married him, move on. Take back your life from him. Don’t submit it to a murderous husband.
