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My dear Jack, learn to say those two words, “I’m sorry.” When you’re wrong simply say, “I’m sorry.” Don’t try to give reasons for what you did. If you hurt your partner just say “I’m sorry.” And don’t try and sweep things under the carpet. People do that. They do that by trying to be nice instead of addressing the issue. You know you did wrong, address the issue, apologise, and ask for forgiveness. The more hurt you inflict the more you need to apologise, until the hurt is gone. Show remorse. You have to learn to treat people well. If you keep treating people anyhow you will create a lot of pain and hurt in your wake.

You can’t treat your wife anyhow, you shouldn’t take her for granted. Your wife is a vehicular transportation system of graces and favours. Even the scriptures declare that fact. You want your wife happy. You want her joyful. The happier she is the more happiness she can give you. It’s why we buy those gifts. It’s why we write those cheques. To make her happy. A spirit of unforgiveness is condemnable. So is a spirit of pride that knows not how to say, “I am sorry.” And you’re not a man because you put your wife down. That’s a very poor method of increasing stature. You don’t grow any taller. When you put your wife down publicly you leave with a reputation of having a proverbial marriage. Everyone will remember the incident. When the other couples get home they’re going to discuss you and your marriage. And they will align with your wife. In other words what you did to her was counterproductive.

Learn to appreciate what you have. A “good wife” presupposes there are bad wives, just as a “good husband” presupposes there are bad husbands. You have a good wife. Cherish her. You have a woman you can trust, implicitly. Don’t take that for granted. You know you have taken grace for granted when you seek to rubbish an extraordinary gift. If your wife is extraordinary be thankful, be grateful, let her know, show her love, affirm her. Let her know she’s special. Let her know you cherish her, that you don’t want to do without her. Same thing for her. If she knows she’s got a great guy she ought to show it, say it, and affirm it. Love is a two-way traffic.

Denial of a fact does not extinguish the fact. If everyone cherishes your wife but you wonder why you’re the wonderment. Same thing for her. If you’re cherished outside but she treats you anyhow that’s not wisdom. What we disparage we tend to lose. What we refuse to acknowledge we’re not entitled to. In law, you cannot contest the jurisdiction of a court to try your case and then seek relief from the same court. It’s a contradiction in terms. When you really think about it, this marriage thing is not difficult. It’s just two people living together in love and harmony. How complicated can that be? Isn’t it better to be immersed in a loving environment than in a caustic, acidic setting? A couple creates its own happiness in marriage. A couple also creates its own hell. What a wonderful concoction love and peace is.

Maturity alters a course of action in marriage. It removes all retaliatory disposition. If you see yourself as older and wiser there are things you won’t do in your marriage. Marriage assumes you’re older and wiser. Sometimes it’s best to sleep over an issue before embarking on a course of action. Your mind will be clearer the next day. And there are things you let slide in marriage, like in life. You don’t go after everything. It’s like when people lie to you and you know… It’s not every lie you confront. There are times you hold knowledge with wisdom. Same thing with some issues in marriage. There are things you let slide. Some fights are not worth it. No one functions optimally at a constancy in life. Life has pressures. It de-optimises us. Don’t expect peak performance always from your spouse. There’ll be emotional inconstancy. Seek to understand. That’s maturity. When you’re mature you seek to understand. You put yourself in the other person’s shoes, try and see things from their perspective.

Don’t waste your energy trying to control your spouse. It takes a lot of effort, too much effort. Isn’t it better couples submit themselves to one another in love? Besides you’ll create a state of siege in your marriage. There’ll be hanging accusations, unspoken allegations. Think those folks who call you on the phone and begin conversation with railing accusation. How do you feel? When someone who never asked after you starts a phone conversation with the accusation you don’t ask after her you know how you feel about such. Before you do anything rash ask yourself if an older, mature you will follow that course of action. Maturity is everything in marriage. Maturity perseveres. Maturity understands. Maturity seeks to understand. Maturity seeks wisdom. Maturity does not speak anyhow. Maturity does not seek retaliation. Maturity does not try and prove a point. You must be mature in marriage.

The issues you’re having boil down to lack of maturity. Marriage assumes you’re mature. An immature person should not handle a potency like marriage. Marriage is high potency stuff. It has capability to determine the outcome of a life. It determines wellbeing and happiness. It dictates the trajectory of life. Sometimes it’s best to swallow your feelings in marriage. If you go by feelings all the time you’ll do great damage to your marriage. That you FEEL like saying terrible and discouraging stuff to your spouse doesn’t mean you should. In the heat of emotions we feel all sorts. A disagreement is not an excuse to say terrible things to each other. There are things that should never be introduced into a marriage. There are words that should never be said. There are lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Parents are not fair play in a disagreement. Even if you have a point to make there’s a wise way to go about it. Your primary focus should never be to hurt your spouse. Give it a day and you’ll wonder how you could have thought of some things. Give it a few months and you’ll likely have forgotten. Time erases transgressions in our memory.

Work out your marriage.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Love is a two-way traffic. Click To Tweet Denial of a fact does not extinguish the fact. Click To Tweet Marriage is high potency stuff. It has capability to determine the outcome of a life. Click To Tweet
Tags : Maturity, how to treat your partner, handling issues in marriage

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