Come on Jack, you don’t do that to your girlfriend! It’s humiliating and manifestly unwise. You can’t compel your girlfriend to be friends with your female friend. It’s an asinine demand. You’re going to start a civil war. Women are territorial. Your girlfriend naturally claims her territory. And in case you don’t know her territory is you. That includes all your associations, the parameters of your physical movement, to the exclusion of any predator or pretender.
If both your girlfriend and female friend don’t get along fine that’s a reality you have to live with. And it’s a reality you had better approach with caution and wisdom. Your female friends ought to respect your girlfriend. If they won’t you’re going to find a serious fight on your hands. A gauntlet will be thrown down: it’s either she or them. How are you going to choose? Both sets of relationship are valuable. It’s going to be difficult to choose. But you have a female friend who’s behaving like a potentate. She obviously has some political leverage over your relationship. It’s why she’s posturing to your girlfriend. Part of that posturing lies in the fact she predates your girlfriend. She was there before her, had known you before her. And you had the effrontery to tell your girlfriend to go apologise to her for asserting her territorial hold over your affection. How?! It’s rightfully hers. The logical question to ask is, if you so love this other lady why don’t you just date her instead of your girlfriend?
It’s hard to claim a member of the opposite sex as your best friend when you’re in a relationship. Your girlfriend won’t accept it. She’s supposed to be the one because she’s the one and only. Your girlfriend will never accept she’s subordinate to another woman when it comes to you. If she’s forced to accept it you’re going to give her grief. Terrible consequences have been known to ensue from these types of situations. The fact that you and this other woman have been intimate only makes matters worse. Essentially your ex-girlfriend is oppressing your girlfriend with your active connivance. There are situations you don’t create in a relationship. There are situations that are untenable. This is one of them. Your girlfriend is feeling insecure in your relationship. Because she’s invested so much in the relationship your body movements are giving her fears and palpitations. She’s not sure of you. She’s not sure of what you’re incapable of. She doesn’t and can’t trust this woman.
As it is your girlfriend is the third party in your relationship. She’s external to the relationship between you and this other woman. In other words she’s outside of her own relationship looking in. She’s a third person. You and your bosom female friend are essentially having dinner and she’s sitting next table watching you both. To compound the situation both your girlfriend and this other lady work in the same office. They see each other every day. And to make it worse you confide the facts of your relationship to this woman. She’s weaponised that fact and she’s using it against your girlfriend. This thing you have set up… You’re going to create major problems. And the nature of the problem is unending.
These two women are essentially at war now. Someone has to win, someone has to lose. That’s the nature of these wars. And you’re denigrating your girlfriend. You seem to treat her as second class to your female friend. What are you doing?! If you’re so besotted with this other woman marry her. Why drag your girlfriend into this? There are things that should never be and you’ve invited trouble into you relationship. Without proper management this matter will trouble your marriage. Your girlfriend will never feel secure as long as you maintain this attitude. You’ve given her cause to believe you prefer your friend to her. You’re making the stupid mistake of a young man who wants to eat his cake and have it. You need to determine the direction of your future. Is it with your female friend or with your girlfriend? Which is the partnership?
I keep telling you, you can’t eat your cake and have it. Not without sleight of hand. You’ll need to perform magic. Don’t drive this girl to suicide. You’ll regret it forever. There’ll be a huge blot on your conscience. Nothing erases that kind of blot. Solomon put it succinctly when he said a murderer’s conscience will drive him to hell, don’t stop him. Due to all your machinations your girlfriend is feeling unwell. She’s suffering from depression and panic attacks. You can’t cope with the consequences of what you’re setting in motion. Civil wars always have casualties. You don’t shoot artillery in a closed environment. That closed environment is your relationship.
Granted it’s not easy for you to just cut off from this other woman as your girlfriend demands… I recognise that difficulty. She’s something to you, fills a friendship gap in your life. But given the circumstances there must be respectable distance between your female friend and your girlfriend. Their lines should never cross. Your girlfriend knows if push comes to shove you won’t have her back. She knows you’ll back the other woman. That’s not a good feeling. And you’ve demonstrated it. It’s driving her nuts, exacerbating her insecurities. You have a duty to make your girlfriend feel secure. It’s a moral obligation. And it’s practical wisdom. If she swings the other way the earth cannot bear her fury. You’re pushing her to the wall. And it’s like you’re taking her for granted. That’s always a mistake in any relationship. You’re assuming you can do whatever you like and she’ll always be there. That’s a lot of assumption.
The way this thing is, nothing good will come of it. And you’re too young to handle the conflagration you’re setting up. A young man should not be dousing his relationship with petrol and playing with matches. Emotions are highly inflammable. Let your lady friend keep off your relationship. Let her respect your girlfriend. She won’t like to be treated the way you’re treating your girlfriend. You’re working so hard to destroy your marriage before marriage. And you’re making a foolish young man’s mistake. You shouldn’t be setting up this kind of situation.
You need to sit down with your girlfriend and give her assurances. You need to keep this other woman out of your conversations. She’s become a trigger of unhappiness and insecurity. I know men don’t see things in a particular way, and indeed the man’s point of view on issues is quite different from that of a woman. But what if the roles were reversed? What if SHE maintains very close relationship with her ex? What if SHE told her ex all the things happening in your relationship, passing on intimate details, including her disappointments in you? Can you see it now?
If you want to have a happy marriage you lay the foundation in courtship. The work of happiness in marriage does not begin inside the marriage, it begins at courtship. Security is important to women. She must FEEL secure in your relationship, and BE secure. Or she’s going to be doing things out of fear. She’ll go through your phone because there are those fears. If she has no primacy in your heart why want to marry her? Why subject her to second class citizenship of affection? You need to be a wise young man.
A word is enough for the wise. I have written you paragraphs because you’re behaving unwise.
