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Read Letter

You Don’t Know What You’re In For

My dear Jack, I’m not sure you can handle what you’re getting yourself into. Someone needs to advice you. The issues in your relationship are not small – your girlfriend cheats on you, gets drunk, has suicidal tendencies, and it’s a semi long distance relationship. How are you going to cope? Each of these issues is a major in itself not to talk of all four together. How are you going to handle all four at once? Each has the capacity to break any relationship.

I don’t think you understand what it means to marry a drunk – the issues involved. Why don’t you ask around? Then there’s the fact you’re in different states, separated by a thousand kilometres. Means most of your relationship will be conducted by phone. Such a relationship has to be strong. Distance doesn’t make the heart grow fonder, it gets it frustrated. Even a relationship separated by a few kilometres has its challenges. You’re dating a woman with no allegiance to the concept of fidelity – in a long distance relationship! When a relationship is long distance extra effort must be put in. There has to be compensation for the distance, or you’ll grow miles apart (pun intended). Courtship shouldn’t commence in marriage. If short distance relationships can suffer knowledge gaps imagine the knowledge crevice in a long distance relationship.
You can’t know everything about your spouse before marriage. Marriage is a revealer. There are situations that will only arise after the wedding. You can’t even know enough about yourself before the wedding. You’re not yet in a marriage context so certain issues will not arise. In a marriage context you’ll discover new things about yourself – how you’ll react in certain situations. Your bachelorhood can’t give you full picture of yourself.
Without a doubt the most worrying issue in your relationship is your girlfriend’s suicidal tendency. She has serious things to resolve. She NEEDS to see a psychologist or psychiatrist IMMEDIATELY. If you truly love her you’ll point her to one. She keeps threatening suicide but you keep seeing it in an emotional context rather than a psychological context. You’re joking with fire. Seems you’re too young to appreciate certain things in life. You imagine if she kills herself you’ll just move on with life. It doesn’t work that way. It will affect you massively. May haunt your life.
Of course it’s possible she’s using the threat of suicide as emotional ploy to keep you. But how would we know! We can only determine that after the fact. This threat of suicide seems a present continuous threat. It will continue in marriage. Your marriage will be under a dark cloud. You’ll be afraid of any imbalance. When suicide is a constant threat in a relationship you may just decide to call the bluff and it turns fatal. How will you handle that! You don’t want to come home from work and see your wife dangling on a rope by the neck. I hope that paints a vivid picture for you. You better know what you’re doing dating this woman. In plain language your girlfriend has issues. She has major baggages. Get her help. You’re not the help she needs. She needs professional therapy. She needs to see a doctor of the mind – a psychiatrist or psychologist.
You’re inflating your sense of importance thinking you’re what your suicidal girlfriend needs. She needs medical attention. You’re not a doctor. You didn’t study psychiatry. I suspect you’re suffering from messianic syndrome. You imagine you can save this woman. That may even be the appeal. And it may be you’re so desperate to have a girlfriend. She might have been the only one who agreed to date you. But marriage is a very serious business. It has a huge impact on the outcome of our life. It will colourate your life, determine its quality and flavour. The potency of marriage lies in the fact its basic raw material is your life. It does not use third party resources. The parties have to donate their lives. And so your marriage is not someone else’s story. It’s the story of your life. You shouldn’t waste your life in devotion to senseless pursuit. You can already see major issues in this relationship, even without the threat of suicide. Why do you want to volunteer your soul for emotional annihilation?!
There may be an underlying factor in your girlfriend’s issues. And it may be that the drunkenness is unconnected with the suicidal tendency. We can’t know because you and I are not psychologists. I read law. The thing about issues like this is that they tend to run deep. The problem may be coming from her childhood. Again you can’t know. And so you’re veering into the great unknown in this relationship. You’re essentially flying blind. God help you! And it may be the sex driving you. You don’t want to lose that benefit. I understand. But when you have a bad marriage the last thing that will cross your mind is sex. Ask those with bad marriages. They hardly sleep together. You want to take on a heavy emotional burden and you’re ill-equipped for it. You’re just a young man. That level of burden will break you.
Let your girlfriend sort out her issues first before you dive into consideration of marriage. These are deep problems you listed. You don’t even understand the issues. A drunk is mentally and emotionally incapacitated to take on the responsibility of marriage. A drunk is an embarrassment manufacturer. Ask kids whose fathers are drunks or kids with drunk mothers. And a suicidal drunk? That’s another level entirely. You’re barely able to cope with starting life yourself. How are you going to handle her and her issues? You don’t want to use your youth solving other people’s lives. It’s a waste of youth. You can’t solve people. And this is not the first time she’s cheating on you. You had written me about her once. She’s done it before. You’ve been here before. You imagine because she told you about it, that that confers a halo of penitence? You imagine that makes her a good person, that she must love you with a raw passion to confess. But all she’s doing is reaching out for help. She’s crying out for help. She’s lost control of herself. Point her in the right direction. Direct her to a psychologist or psychiatrist. There’s still that suicide issue.
As men we sometimes go after gothic desires. We become obsessed with dark women. These are frightening and mysterious pursuits. It’s like that Anthony Banderas thing in Original Sin. He went in fervent pursuit of a con artist in a labyrinth of darkness. She ended up ruining him and turning his character. The scent of darkness can do that to us – make us desire dark passion. It can make us follow the muskiness of a woman like a hound after blood. But it never bodes well. Our carefully constructed lives can end in shambles. Once values are messed up entropy sets in. I suspect your pursuit of this lady is influenced by a movie you’ve seen, or a novel you’ve read. Recognise art for what it is. Leave it in the cinema. Movies are movies. Don’t pattern your life after the dark desires of a writer. I know you can practically smell her where you are and it’s a bit difficult wanting to break from her. But all that stuff is in your imagination. The reality confronting you is different. She will break you. In her state she can’t hold a relationship. You will suffer emotional needs in this relationship. She’s not in a place to give you what you want. Because you’re in messianic mode you defined the relationship by what you can give. Which is okay if the relationship were healthy. She on the other hand has defined the relationship by what she can extract from you.
You can’t keep voyeuring on desire to do good in hopeless relationship situations. Your life will be spent without recompense. She knows she’s being selfish and wilful. Which is why she’s using the threat of suicide to hold you bound. Essentially you’re being blackmailed. But how’s a relationship going to be satisfactory when it’s one-sided? You’re in a one-sided equation. She demands, you supply. She threatens, you do long jump towards her. Sit your girlfriend down and tell her she needs help. Tell her she needs to see a psychiatrist or psychologist. She might be depressed or worse. But if you decide to play the salvation card better be ready to go to Golgotha. Your crown will be made of thorns, you will be stripped naked, your robes will be marked with blood.
Now of course what you decide to do is really up to you. It’s your decision who you marry. It always has to be your decision. But you should take a wise decision. I’m not sure you’ll make much progress in your relationship with this lady unless she resolves those issues. They’re huge.
I’ll defer my answer to the other question you asked. This is more critical.
Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder |
You can’t know everything about your spouse before marriage. Marriage is a revealer. Click To Tweet
Tags : cheating, Choosing a partner, complicated relationship, suicidal

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