Register here

Register using an email address

Terms & Conditions

Already have an account? Login here

Register using a social network


Login using your email address

Keep me logged in
Forgot your password?

Login using a social network


Read Letter

In Conclusion

My dear Jack, I present a few nuggets from my letters to you this year. Here they are:

  1. It’s wise to address the security and exclusivity question in a relationship. It’s something you’ll have to address all your life. Because your woman loves you so much it’s quite natural for her to want to keep what is hers. And she needs regular guarantees.
  2. Words mean a lot to women. Say what you mean, mean what you say.
  3. Security is important to women. She must FEEL secure in your relationship, and BE secure. Or she’s going to be doing things out of fear.
  4. If you lay a foundation of sincerity in your relationship you’ll both be richer for it. It’s about trust. Trust is important. It’s very hard to trust an insincere person.
  5. You can’t marry someone who doesn’t want you. You shouldn’t want to marry someone who doesn’t want you. It’s important the person you marry loves you.
  6. The reason girls are turning you down might be because you’re going after girls beyond your means. There are levels in life.
  7. A wise man does not take that which is precious for granted. If you see your partner as someone to be exploited you will depreciate grace.
  8. A wonderful relationship is a miracle of life. The odds are stacked against it. Once you come to realise wonderful relationships are miracles of life you will cherish who you have, not just what you have.
  9. Don’t treat as common those who care for you. Don’t disparage genuineness of affection. You will lose, find yourself holding unto nothing. You don’t bargain genuine affection by withholding affection. That’s a terrible foreign exchange transaction.
  10. It takes a combination of wonderful happenstances to bring two people who fit each other perfectly together. Life has to work hard to achieve these miracles.
  11. Your first and most important allegiance in marriage is allegiance to your partner.
  12. Faith thinks of possibilities. If you keep looking at impossibilities, keep meditating on difficulties, you won’t achieve. You will give up readily, never see a way out.
  13. Authenticity builds trust and predictability. It is a measure of confidence in oneself, the expression of comfort in one’s skin. It is about being. If you want your girlfriend to trust you and repose faith in you, be authentic. Just be yourself. That’s confidence.
  14. A spirit of accusation does not bode well in a relationship or marriage. It is prosecutorial.
  15. There are things you drop for the sake of peace and continuity in a relationship. You shouldn’t humiliate your partner. Doesn’t mean you don’t know the truth. But wisdom says drop it and let it slide.
  16. You have to work on your controlling nature. You’re too controlling. You’re suffocating your partner. You can’t control life. There are too many variables. You’re puny, and you’re a creature of time.
  17. Clarity on what you want in marriage will save you from transgressing your marriage vows. You can deal with temptations easier because you got what you wanted. You’re not in search of what you don’t have.
  18. Marriage is a very personal thing. It’s your decision. Has to be your decision. It’s your life.
  19. Don’t go through life carrying unforgiveness in the ventricles of your heart. That’s a heavy burden for the soul. You’re going to become mean and vindictive. And you’ll be dangerous with power.
  20. The idea of a woman is not one-dimensional. A woman is not defined by her domestic ability.
  21. If you take a utilitarian approach to relationship matters, defining women by their usefulness to the service of your needs, the women you date are going to feel used.
  22. Date a woman who fits your profile – one whose cultural outlook matches yours. If you’re conservative date a conservative, if you’re modern date a modern. Makes relationship easier.
  23. Consider your wife’s disposition, inclination and convenience when your relatives request to stay over at yours for vacation.
  24. Your matrimonial decision can’t just be based on ameliorating your physical loneliness. You have to consider other factors.
  25. Marriage is not a six month program. The calendar stretches unimaginably into the future. It consumes your life. You want to make sure you marry someone who loves you. Be sure the person you propose to marry loves you.
  26. It’s important you study the makeup of your woman, and that you work with that knowledge. When a woman bares her soul to you you’ll find a level of sincerity that puts a heavy onus of responsibility on you.
  27. Beauty is not enough to sustain a marriage.
  28. There’s no secret to hustle. If a hustle has a secret you ought to beware. Anything beyond faith, discipline and application should have you worried.
  29. What you should be looking for in a relationship is wholesomeness. You don’t want physical parameters to blind you to what’s truly important. Character matters. That’s not saying physical beauty doesn’t matter. But it soon wears thin with over-familiarity in marriage.
  30. If you set too low a bar for yourself you won’t challenge your capacities. You must believe in things you cannot see if you want to be an achiever. The journey of attainment is a journey of faith.
  31. If you’re too much in a hurry in life you’ll botch your future.
  32. If you want to succeed in life you have to focus.
  33. Your wife will make emotional demands on you. She’s going to demand your attention, demand your support, demand your listenership, demand your money, demand your emotions… You’re in it for life. Adjust your thinking.
  34. Women have a peculiar system of logic. It starts at the last incident and ignores historicity. Which means if there’s an issue and you ignore her the issue is NOW the ignominy, not the original issue! Her narrative starts at the ignominy. It ignores the original cause.
  35. Success is not TOTALLY dependent on our efforts, doesn’t totally boil down to it even though we play a big role in the outcome of our lives. There are opportunities that will come you know absolutely nothing about – what we call “lucky breaks”.
  36. Manhood is tied to responsibility. A man is responsible. He’s responsible to his family, he’s responsible to his employer, he’s responsible to his local community, and he’s responsible to society.
  37. A man takes decisions, a man is decisive. Which means he’s ready to take responsibility for the outcome of his decisions. It’s what manhood is about. You take decisions, you bear responsibility.
  38. Accomplishments matter to women. A woman will go for a guy with a clear path to accomplishment, a guy who seems more focused and more determined to succeed.
  39. No one makes it and just folds his hands. You work harder. Achieving success is one thing, maintaining success is another.
  40. Success is never an accident. You must be prepared to put in the effort.
  41. Don’t let anyone rush you into marriage. Work with your own timetable not someone else’s calendar.
  42. Marriage is potent, very potent. It’s not something you mess around with. It’s woven into the very fabric of your life, is synonymous with your being. Its energy is derived from the core of your life.
  43. Whoever you marry must be able to relate to you as a human not a financial resource. You have emotional needs – you need care, affection and attention. You need a partner, you need someone to share with, and someone to bond with.
  44. You can’t realise a vision without critical capacities. There’s drive, there’s intelligence, there’s patience, there’s perseverance, there’s fortitude… A whole lot of capacities are needed to realise vision.
  45. Learn perseverance in life. Too many people give up too early. You can’t give up on your life. Yes, discouragements will come but you must avoid feeling sorry for yourself. It’s an urge you must fight.
  46. As a man you must learn affirmative speaking. You have to affirm your love for your woman regularly, in words and gestures and deeds. You have to have the patience to do that. You must develop emotional capacity for that.
  47. You shouldn’t expect perpetual help from those who have helped you financially in the past. You can’t turn yourself into a finance invalid.
  48. Becoming successful is a process over a period of time. Most of that time is spent in obscurity. It’s when you burst out everyone notices you. But you were existing all along.
  49. Your motivation is a life and death situation – the death of your dreams is a possibility. It also means you must never give up. You go farther, you fight harder, believe stronger.
  50. You have to learn to treat people well. If you keep treating people anyhow you will create a lot of pain and hurt in your wake.
  51. You can’t treat your wife anyhow, you shouldn’t take her for granted. Your wife is a vehicular transportation system of graces and favors. You want your wife happy. You want her joyful. The happier she is the more happiness she can give you.
  52. It’s hard to claim another member of the opposite sex as your best friend when you’re in a relationship. Your partner won’t accept it. She’s supposed to be the one because she’s the one and only.
  53. Marriage answers the loneliness question. It’s a credible answer to it. You can have all the achievements in the world and still feel lonely, in need of a partner. Achievements don’t substitute wife.
  54. Sort out your finance before you go into marriage. Have an income. Finance is major, major in marriage. A lack of it produces enormous stress in a young marriage.
  55. The essence of a quarrel in a marriage is to bring about a spirit of agreement, a spirit of understanding, better knowledge of each other. That has to be the end goal.
  56. You can’t be lazy and hope to get ahead in life. That will be unfair on those who burn the midnight oil. Life is particular about maintaining a sense of justice when it comes to hard work and opportunities.
  57. Don’t joke with whatever opportunities you have. Note that opportunities don’t always look like opportunities. Opportunities often come disguised. The future sometimes dons an invisibility cloak.
  58. What parties disclose to each other during courtship is very dependent on the character of the individuals, their worldviews, the depth of relationship they share, the degree of honesty and sincerity, as well as their personalities.
  59. You can’t reverse history. It’s best to just accept your girlfriend’s sexual history and concentrate on what attracted you to her. You came into her life later than her past.
  60. You can’t know everything about your spouse before marriage. Marriage is a revealer. There are situations that will only arise after the wedding.
  61. The potency of marriage lies in the fact its basic raw material is your life. It does not use third party resources. The parties have to donate their lives.
  62. Courtship shouldn’t commence in marriage.
  63. A man must have discipline in life. A man must learn to put a knife to his throat like Solomon said. A man must learn self-denial. Without discipline a man will create problems for himself.

© Leke Alder |

Your first and most important allegiance in marriage is allegiance to your partner. Click To Tweet Don’t let anyone rush you into marriage. Work with your own timetable not someone else’s calendar. Click To Tweet


Tags : Dating, Marriage, end of year, nuggets

Post Your Comments Here