My dear Jil, to be honest with you I don’t understand why you’re walking around imagining yourself damaged on account of some past abortions. And you WERE a teenager for goodness sake! Now, of course different folks have different attitude towards abortion, but that’s beside the point. It’s done, it’s done, you can’t reverse history. You can’t keep living in regret. At some point you have to accept the past for what it is and move on with your life. Of course, there’s moral provincialism at play here and it’s largely dictated by culture and religion. That’s the reality of the society you live in. It’s a context in which abortion is treated as a definer of character and essence. The hypocrisy is that the impregnating male is not held equally responsible. And so he can’t have any residual guilt about the abortions. After all you didn’t impregnate yourself. A boy did. How come you’re the only one bearing continuous guilt for the abortions? He’s moved on. You better move on too.
Of course you were foolish to keep having unprotected sex and getting serially pregnant. It’s what gave rise to the abortions. My problem is that you consider yourself damaged and therefore ineligible for choice marriage because you had abortions in the past. That’s utter nonsense. You’ve set up yourself for a boy to date you like he’s doing you a favour. It’s like, who will marry me after my abortions? What nonsense! There are so many women who have had abortions and gone on to very happy marriages; and they married men who value them like gold and treasure them like diamonds. Why not you? I don’t want to get into all that debate about abortion or no abortion. That’s not the point in issue. The point in issue is that you’re not damaged because you aborted pregnancies in school. The conclusion you’re driving at is neither supported by logic, history, or facts of life.
Trying to “put it out there” barely a week into a relationship is not wise either. I know you’re trying to be honest and sincere but you still have to exercise wisdom. Knowing the cultural provincialism of your society, it’s not exactly wise to meet a guy and within the first week tell him you’ve had four abortions. He’ll be afraid. And why will you share such news with a guy you hardly know – a man uncommitted to you and who hardly knows you? He can’t appreciate who you are. He’ll judge you by those abortions. What you’re saying is, here I am, crucify me on account of my mistakes of youth; and please exercise caution about marrying me, I am so unworthy. What is that!
You need to be wise in life. You can’t bare intimate details of your life to someone you just met even though you hope to marry him. You’re disqualifying yourself revealing such details from your past at that stage in a relationship. The relationship has hardly begun. It’s one thing to be willing to share intimate information, it’s another for the recipient to be able to handle such information. Assess before sharing. Some people can’t handle sensitive information, they’ll freak out; and some will go blabbing. Such guys tell other boys who in turn tell other boys, and there goes your reputation. With each retelling the story develops muscles until you become a monster. The question therefore arises – at what point do you tell a guy you’ve had abortions? There’s of course the corollary: should you tell at all? You certainly can’t share such facts of your life with someone uncommitted, one who doesn’t love you. Why would you do that? If he does love you such details will be nothing to him. If he’s committed he’ll love you more, and thank you for your brave honesty. The moment for such discussion arises naturally, it’s not forced. It’s the baring of pain, the baring of the soul. It’s an intimate moment. It’s not something you casually share over a bottle of Coke. It’s too intimate and raw. It’s exposure. The only reason you share such details is because you can see the man is very much committed to you and very serious about your relationship, so much so it would seem unfair not to share such details. You’re not sharing because you’re damaged, you’re sharing because of intimacy of heart, and the sincerity of your relationship. And I’m not talking about those guys who keep a moral score sheet and are hypocritically judgmental. Those are not the kind of guys you share with. I’m talking a solid guy. After all you could have kept the information and married him without telling him. And he may never find out. But one other reason you share is because there are sometimes complications with conception and a scan will bring out the information.
Of course, the delay in conception may have nothing to do with the past abortions but at that moment your husband won’t think that way. The man will feel deceived you never mentioned the abortions. And the way men reason, he’ll start wondering what other things you’re hiding from him. He may label you a deceitful person in his heart. Some will start digging into your past. They’ll use an excavator. Of course if you dig deep enough you’ll find something. Anything is something. It’s not so much what is found but the interpretation given to the little that’s found. Don’t forget the guy is looking for corroborating evidence. He’ll find it, however insignificant or stupid. He that seeks finds. It’s therefore wise to share certain information before marriage so you’re not accused of deceit. But don’t share intimate details of your life with someone you hardly know. And if you’ve just met a guy you hardly know him. You only think you know him well because chemicals are coursing through your veins, inducing delusion.
As per the guy you’ll share with, when the time comes you’ll know. He’ll likely share reciprocal details about himself too. He’ll volunteer the information in the spirit of the quality of the relationship. There’s commitment. But if you don’t share about the abortions and the guy finds out it can easily scale into something major, especially if there’s a problem with conception. Before you know it it’s a family issue. Your life will become the subject of debate at the Code of Conduct Bureau. All sorts of people will weigh in, passing judgment. One impudent person is going to cite those details in an unsavoury manner someday. Of course, it’s not right for a man to share the intimate details of your life with his family, just as it’s not right for you to share his with your family. It’s a fundamental breach of trust. Such disposition destroys marriages. But I repeat, don’t share intimate details of your life with a man you hardly know, or a man who can’t handle information, or a man you can’t trust. You might as well go on Twitter.
Now, those guys you told about your abortions and who took off, none of them could have been the right man for you. Or they wouldn’t have taken off like Olympians. They didn’t want you, they wanted someone else. We all make mistakes. All of us made mistakes of youth. It’s just that in life some mistakes outweigh others, but we all make mistakes. May God save us from ourselves. As you grow older you’ll look back and see your life-defining attempted mistakes – stupid mistakes of youth that could have altered the trajectory of your life. Some will shake you to the bone. Nonetheless you shouldn’t allow a mistake of youth to define your life. You fight for your life, its potential.
Now, one would expect a guy who impregnates a girl four times and asks her to abort each time to marry the girl. But as you’ve learnt sex is not always commitment. And so the inability to recognise a fake partner can be consequential. There’s bound to be disappointment, and this after an inordinate commitment of life resources including critical years of your life. But you’re not damaged because you’ve had abortions, the guy who wants to marry you will marry you, sometimes because of it. At least there’s proof you’re fertile. Stop seeing yourself in mercantile terms. You’re not some damaged good. Your sense of self matters as you approach a relationship, any relationship. You must have a sense of worth. I’m not talking about pride or stupid arrogance. I’m talking about your intrinsic worth as a human. The man who wants to marry you must value you. You don’t go into marriage as a product of a regime of devaluation.
Stop thinking less of yourself because you made a mistake of youth. Who didn’t! Unless angels; but we’ve also learnt that angels made mistakes. Satan was an angel. He miscalculated. That a man rejects you doesn’t take away your worth. He may just not be appreciative of substance or quality. And his taste may be compromised. I would have thought a very sincere woman is to be desired and appreciated. Sincerity is critical in a relationship. It softens a relationship. It’s a portrayal of a good heart. Same with honesty. Dishonesty breeds distrust in a relationship; and when it’s unnecessary dishonesty it’s a pointer to character and values. If your boyfriend can’t handle the reality of your past he will struggle with it in marriage. Be sure to marry the man who can.
Stop crying ok? Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com.
You need to be wise in life. You can’t bare intimate details of your life to someone you just met even though you hope to marry him. Click To Tweet Dishonesty breeds distrust in a relationship; and when it’s unnecessary dishonesty it’s a pointer to character and values. Click To Tweet