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Read Letter

The Ship Has Sailed

My dear Jil, it’s unfortunate, and I quite empathise with your situation but that ship has sailed. You’ll have to accept the reality. He’s gone! Another woman has him now. Prized guys don’t hang around for too long. You were late in appreciating his worth. He waited on you for two years! That’s a long time for a guy to be waiting for a response. But he wanted you and so he persisted, patiently, hoping you’ll come around. He was just hanging in there. You never said yes, and you never said no. His fate was hanging in the balance, his future suspended. It’s a credit to his character and conviction he hung around for so long. Which was kind of a technical rejection. Rejection hurts. Not many people can take it, but this guy persisted. After two years he probably just gave up, believed you’ll never say yes. And so when this other lady showed specific interest he did what any reasonable guy in his position would do. He asked her out. He was under the pressure of shame. Everyone kept wondering, asking what’s going on, some mocking his faith. The other lady saw what you didn’t see on time, though some will say what you refused to see. She saw value in him and grabbed him with both hands.

There are stories like this, from both sides of the aisle. There are also guys who don’t appreciate the worth of a woman until it’s too late. By the time they do a better valuer has come along. Same thing happens with girls. A girl may not appreciate the value of a guy until another woman enters the fray. And then she begins to scramble. But if the other woman is a keeper he’s gone! May God give us the grace to appreciate worth and value. It’s a tragedy otherwise. But he’s already planning his wedding to this lady. There’s really not much you can do. And you’ve spoken to him. It’ll be hard for him to leave her. That only happens in movies. At some level he’s wondering at you though. He’s asking himself why you did all that – treat him with ignominy for years and now he’s moving on you suddenly want him. He’ll be a trifle annoyed.
Truth is, there are those who value a relationship only after they lose it. It’s sad but true. And so as much as he liked you (he probably still does), there’s nothing he can do. Men want to be appreciated. That lady appreciates him. He’s staying with her. It’s not always wise to assume a man has no option but you. There are always options in life. And another woman can materialise from nowhere. Same goes for guys. Another man can materialise from nowhere and take the girl. I suspect the reason she quickly went for him is because she’s been with a guy she gave her all and who treated her badly – a guy who didn’t have half his qualities. She probably didn’t believe her luck, couldn’t believe guys like him still exist. He’s everything she’s always wanted but never believed she’ll come across. And so when she met him she moved fast, made it known to him she likes him and wanted him. Probably went into hospitality mode immediately. Carpe diem. The guy too couldn’t believe his luck. Here he was begging a girl to date him without a response for two years, and here was a woman who really liked him and wanted him. He felt good. With you he had wondered if he was biting more than he could chew, and now suddenly realised someone actually wanted him, that he had value.
Sometimes we think we have so many options in life because of persistent interest in us from different quarters; we get lost in the euphoria. But if those options are not even qualitative they’re false options. All those attention you were getting from guys prevented you from seeing the proper worth of the guy. Flirtations can blind. And sometimes we take our time on simple decisions believing we have all the time in the world when indeed life has other ideas. You can’t enjoy the attention game so much you lose sight of your objective – to pick a partner. When you see what is right for you take a decision and leave the game to others.
You made a mistake no doubt. However the lessons are of great value. If you don’t learn from this experience another heartache will load. So learn your lesson and move on. Accept the reality and move on. If you don’t you’ll start wishing them evil, which is wrong. You may start wishing there’s some fight and they split up. That he’ll then come to you. You may even imagine worse, like wishing her death, possibly in an accident. That’s a horrible thought and you should kill it. You shouldn’t wish people evil. It’s evil. You need to move on. Once the ship has sailed it has sailed. Leave the port. If you don’t make a qualitative determination to move on you’ll be stuck. The thought of what you missed will immobilise you and congeal the flow of your life. You’ll become a dark shadow. You’ll start going over what could have been, start imagining what your wedding would have been like, and the honeymoon, getting pregnant, having a baby, naming the baby… That’s not healthy. Some people get stuck at this juncture for life. They can’t move past the missed opportunity. They live in regret and bitterness. May even blame the guy though they know he carries no blame. You can’t and shouldn’t do that to yourself. You need to move on. It will hurt initially and your pride may even get in the way, but move on.
And don’t go comparing yourself with the other woman. It’s pointless. If you’re prettier so what! He’s made his decision. And you’re only looking at pictures. A picture doesn’t always show the full picture. To compare your look to hers is to assume her look determined his decision. Most likely not given the circumstances, though might have been contributory. What makes a guy go for a girl is often a combination of factors, some so arcane even the guy can’t figure it out. It can be as “stupid” as the way she sounds on the phone. Some people have phonic attraction. It’s not just sound. The audio frequency probably triggered something linked to a pleasant memory. There might have been a character on TV he likes and she sounds just like her.
Attraction is very complex. Sometimes a guy goes for a girl just because she wants him. You’ll be shocked how easily a guy can fall for a girl who wants him and makes it plain. No manipulative convolutions. It may be her sense of fashion. A guy may go for a girl because she reminds him of something on Vogue cover! You can’t believe that can you, but these things happen. And it may be her cultural exposure, the fact she’s culturally literate and well-travelled. He may go for her on account of that. She may not be that pretty but the cultural literacy compensates. And it may be the fact she’s capable – someone who takes charge, sorts things out. That may intrigue a guy, make him go for a girl. Especially if he lacks such capacity. And it may be the famed cooking skill. Not sure of the veracity of the touted expression, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It’s strange anatomy obviously but who knows.
And it may be that he figures she’ll pass muster with his family. Some people need family approbation so much they’ll choose a girlfriend based on that. And for all you know he might have gone for her because of her kindness. She might have been kind to him, so kind he wants that kindness permanently in his life. Kindness is attractive. A disposition to karma sutra possibilities can also generate interest. Being real. There’s the chance of fulfilment of all those secondary school fantasies. Every man is unique. The facts of his conditioning make him unique. History is a cauldron. It cooks us. Our personal history and the history around us produces us.
I’m just saying don’t yield to destructive self-recrimination. Self-destruction starts on the inside. The virus is in our thoughts and imagination. Let it go. Accept you made a mistake. Determine you won’t make a similar mistake again. In other words, you’ll grow up. Put yourself back together. Stop crying. There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Better to go to the store and buy a new pint. And now you have to do the right thing. Wish him the best in his marriage. Wish him happiness. It says a lot about your character. He’ll be relieved. You’ve set him free.
I won’t say go for the wedding. That’s taking things too far. Besides you may not be able to handle it. It’s tough. And we don’t know how the bride will feel. And it’s awkward. But we rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. That’s good heartedness.
Who knows what will happen tomorrow, as in tomorrow. For all you know there’s another wonderful guy eyeing you. He might not just have summoned the courage to come up to you. So open your eyes and give him courage. Guys can be so scared of rejection they keep proposing in their thoughts and never talk to the girl. There’s a reason rejection is called a nail. A smile from a woman can make a huge difference to a guy’s courage. Stop crying, ok. Your man will come.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder |
Sometimes we take our time on simple decisions believing we have all the time in the world when indeed life has other ideas. Click To Tweet
History is a cauldron. It cooks us. Our personal history and the history around us produces us. Click To Tweet
Tags : Moving on, Dating, Rejection

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